I hate life.

110 pages and 2 thesises later, Schmitt is back on the books. Don't expect anything until the hangover passes.

p.s. Al Horford is a bitch.

Poop is higher paid than Beckham.

Ha ha, poop joke!

In a recently published list compiled by "knowledgeable insiders," David Beckham was listed as only the 44th highest paid player in the world, earning just $142,000 per week (a meager $7.2 million). Coming in first was Brazilian striker Kaka, who has one of the most unfortunate one-word names in soccer history. Between 1st and 44th were guys who love hookers (Cristiano Ronaldo, notably) and several names I have never heard before and don't care to ever hear again (Sol Campbell? Harry Kewell?).

The figure is misleading though, as Beckham earns a percentage of ticket and marketing profits directly from the Galaxy, and with endorsement deals earns approximately $50 million from the Los Angeles Galaxy alone. Meanwhile, Taylor Twellman, the league's 2005 MVP and one of its top players, mades a staggering $181,666 in 2006 before getting a raise to approximately $350,000 in 2007. While new rules have led to higher salaries for star players in the MLS, their top 10 best paid players combined will make less this year ($15,885,000) than Stephon Marbury is getting paid to sit at home and lure interns into his SUV ($20,109,375).

Your parents led you down the wrong path athletically, son.

So what is the lesson learned here? Don't play soccer in America. Hell, I wouldn't even have watched the World Cup if I didn't have a belligerent Mexican roommate. While it must be nice to be earning a 6-digit salary for playing a game, wouldn't you much rather be earning a seven figure salary for being mediocre at a game where all you have to do is swing a bat (I'm looking at you Adam LaRoche, Kevin Millar, Aubrey Huff, Sean Casey, Richie Sexson, etc).

Keegan Bell to leave Vanderbilt; AJ Ogilvy's Awful Smell to Blame?

Alex Gordon takes this shot without hesitation. God, I'm going to miss him.

Freshman point guard Keegan Bell, a rotation player for the Commodores this year, will leave Vanderbilt at the end of the semester to finish out his college career elsewhere. Vanderbilt failed to disclose where Bell would go, or why he was leaving, but experts speculate it was related to the fact that he had to live with a 6-10 Australian who looks like he smells awful.

All the great centers smell horrible. Olajuwon, Ilgauskas, Laimbeer...

Bell had been a three-star recruit out of high school and would likely have taken on an increased role in 2008-09 with the departure of guards Shan Foster and Alex (Fucking) Gordon. Suddenly, a team that did nothing but shoot 3-pointers has no three point shooters. This puts much more pressure on Stallings as he attempts to lock up Oregon guard Brad Tinsley to replace Bell as token white guard on the court.

This also makes Vandy's rotation dangerously thin, as Ogilvy, starting PG Jermaine Beal, and backup PF Darshawn McClennan are the only returning players to have seen more than 11 minutes per game this year. While the team is adding at least 2 more 4-star recruits (Lance Goulbourne and Steve Tchiengang), and a top-150 redshirt center (Festus Ezeli), it looks as though 2009 will be a rebuilding year for the Commodores. My projected record? 18-0 at home, 0-13 on the road/neutral.

Let the Festus era begin.

In happier news, guard/savior Shan Foster was named a 2nd team All-American by the AP, and will face off against AJ Graves, Drew Neitzel, Chris Lofton, and others in the NCAA 3-point competition on Thursday. It will mark the last Thursday that I actually watch something other than Lost or The Office until summer starts.

If you got all four Final Four teams correct you need to grow a pair.

Floyd Mayweather to Fight Basketball Failure

Getting chokeslammed into the hearts of redneck America.

Floyd Mayweather, seemingly determined to shift his legacy from "greatest pound for pound fighter of all-time" to "Rickey Henderson-Style Circus Sideshow", will wrestle Paul "The Big Show" Wight at Wrestlemania XXIV this month. The move is a controversial one, as Mayweather stands to either follow in the footsteps of Muhammad Ali (referee at Wrestlemania I) or Mike Tyson (referee at Wrestlemania XIV). However, unlike the other two, Mayweather will be actually wrestling, which seems like a ridiculous idea for a successful athlete who currently holds multiple boxing titles (Ali and Tyson weren't active boxers at the time of their matches).

Mayweather will take on former Wichita State center Wight, who at 7ish feet, 441 lbs, outweighs his opponent by nearly 300 pounds. Adding to the danger factor is the fact that while Wight is seemingly in better shape than he has been in the past 5 years, he hasn't wrestled in a WWE match since 2006.

Let's think about this. The Tennessee Titans banned Pacman Jones, a player that they have no intention of retaining as anything but trade bait, from wrestling in TNA during his year-long NFL suspension. All he was allowed to do was show up on camera, occasionally acting as though he'd just been attacked mysteriously off-screen.

Mayweather, who is not suspended from boxing, has plenty of money, and is arguably boxing's best hope at a revival against the rise of MMA, is fighting seemingly because he can't find more constructive ways to quell his boredom.

Mayweather-Hatton. The most romantic weigh-in since
that time George Foreman fought Leroy "Cuddles" Jones.

What's worse is that Mayweather couldn't win over the WWE fans, a group so fickle that they'll support a corpse-raper like the Big Boss Man so long as there's someone slightly more evil around for him to punch. Mayweather, despite following the time-tested WWE script and throwing money to the crowd, was unable to garner any support and as a result was turned into the bad guy for his face-off with Wight, who supposedly will now be turned into the sweetest 7-foot giant you've ever met. Sort of like Gheorge Muresan.

So unless the WWE has some ingenious plan where Mayweather is disqualified for saving big breasted hookers and kegs of Natty Light from a sinking ship and giving them to the fans, he's not going to make any headway with the rest of America. And for a man who is known for making it rain over strippers/hookers/white chicks, clearly the money is not an issue. So Mayweather has no good reason to be a part of Wrestlemania other than as a wrestling fan, and possibly to join the ranks of Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali - a group that he seemed destined to join regardless.

Will the Big Show ruin Mayweather's undefeated record? Will Mayweather ever admit that this pay-per-view is a mistake? I doubt it on both counts.

Thanks Bill Cosby.

Pictured: Certain virginity, bitter nights of bunk-bed dry humping

Bill Cosby, in an act of benevolence which will surely erupt in a flamewar on some chat room, donated a live Terrier to become Carnegie Mellon University's first living mascot. And now, the university is giving students the chance to name the poor dog. Why Cosby would give a live animal to a university he has no affiliation to is still unknown, but it's rumored that the dog contains smallpox and the Philadelphia native is attempting to systematically destroy Pittsburgh.

None of this would be so bad, but the four naming options available to the public (alumni evidently are not invited) are:

• Andy/Andi
• Skibo
• Scotty/Scottie
• Heart

along with with a grassroots movement to name the dog Chia, after a student whose parents presumably hate him soooooo much. I'm not sure that I could have thought of four worse names for a dog. They might as well be pestilence, war, famine, and death.

In our efforts to help out the one time Sugar Bowl participants (1939 - TCU 15, Carnegie Tech 7; TCU was awarded an additional 8 points after Sammy Baugh boxed and defeated an Australian kangaroo for his alma mater) we've come up with our own names for candidacy, which we feel will be a better fit for the university.

• St. Anger
• Asian kid
• Asperger's
• Virgin
• Kid Loneliness
• Creeping Death
• Uni-wheel, the dog that unicycles to class EVERY DAY
• Compulsive Masterbator
• Pokemon
• Butterface
• Antisocial failure
• Belligerence
  

Feel free to vote or write in your own in the comments section. We'll have a final verdict in the coming days. Also, feel free to comment on the fact that a school filled with Korean kids is adopting a live dog as its mascot. You don't see Wisconsin carrying a glazed ham to all their games. Just sayin'.

Country fry that and we'll talk, Wisconsin.

WHADDYA GOT THERE, NUMBERS?: NO HUMAN WILL EVER PICK THIS TOURNAMENT CORRECTLY

This in addenda to the Washington Post's article covering the futility of picking this year's Sweet Sixteen.

Offering a million dollars for a complete bracket is a safe marketing bet by ESPN that stirs up considerable interest with very little risk. There are 2⁶³ = 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 possible ways to fill out a bracket given the play-in game is not counted, and only one way to win that money. If we assume that a bracket weighted with knowledge of the game improves those odds by about 6 orders of magnitude (base 2), let's say the four 16-1 gimmes and two other games, and that the 3.65 million participants of ESPN's Tourney challenge each entered a unique bracket (didn't happen, but irrelevant), the odds of ESPN paying up each year are about 0.0000000002814%, which will not happen in our lifetime, or in the expected lifetime of the human species. In fact, the odds of ESPN paying up at least once between now and 900 million years from now (when the surface of the Earth becomes inhospitable due to gradually rising solar luminosity) is only about 0.3%.

If during those 900 million years, ESPN invested their million dollars in an average mutual fund (with a nominal interest rate of 5%), they'd double their money every 14 years and have a total of 2^64285714 million dollars at heat death Armageddon. However, if the treasury was continually printing $100 bills (about 2^64285727 of them by the end) to allow ESPN to cash out their savings to actual currency (which is ridiculous, but bear with me), at a point of about 5 solar masses (1 gram per bill) their combined weight would collapse Earth to a singularity. This would happen in only about 1,416 years. This is without considering that college basketball would become a much more difficult game to play as the surface gravity of Earth steadily rose under all those dollar bills. So I think it's safe to say that we should either rob ESPN or stop this whole bracket thing sooner rather than later.

The Earth would look roughly like this in 3424 A.D.
thanks to ESPN. You, as the observer, would also die
if you got this close.

Vanderbilt Loses to Siena; Coach Stallings Saved Ignominy of Being Indiana Coach

When Jamie Graham outscores your starting backcourt...You know how this ends.

Vanderbilt, doing their best to enforce the label that they can't win away from Memorial Gym, got toasted in Tampa by MAAC powerhouse Siena, 83-62. The Commodores were led by starting guards Alex (Fucking) Gordon and Jermaine Beal, who came in to the game averaging 19 points and 8 assists combined. Against Siena, they went 2-12 from the field and chipped in 6 points and 5 assists. This put their combined production behind that of reserve guard Jamie Graham (1.5 ppg, 4 mins per game), who somehow was able to score 6 points in 10 minutes against the Saints' "smothering" defense.

To be fair, it wasn't just Beal and Gordon's failure that led to the defeat. Siena guards Kenny Hasbrouck and Tay Fisher used an apparent pact with Satan to go 15 of 20 from the field and score 49 points. Three other players finished in double figures for the Saints, who were then promptly blown out by Villanova, showcasing the Big East's superiority over the MAAC.

This is even worse news for Coach Kevin Stallings, who reportedly had been on a short list of candidates for Kelvin Sampson's old job at Indiana. After a blowout and a less than stellar away record (see previous posts, any article about Vandy basketball over the past month) he seems to be out of the running. Though Stallings would probably have welcomed a return to Indiana (he's a Purdue grad and former player), would you really want to coach any sport in the Big Ten? I mean sure it's great to get to a championship game every year, but then comes the eventual blowout loss to an SEC, Big East, or Pac-10 team and media scrutiny that accompanies it. And yes, much of the point of this paragraph is to piss off everyone else that writes for this blog.

And suddenly this is all I have left.

Georgetown loses, Ernie laments

G'town didn't even make it to the Sweet 16. I almost don't want to watch the tournament anymore. Well, that's not true, but I was sad to see them lose and no less to a team led by someone who looks like a cross between a 14 year old and E.T. With three quarters of the field watching from home I would like to consider a couple things from the first weekend:

Vandy Impressive In Just How Badly They Stank
Butler got jobbed being given a #7 seed and played Tennessee--a once #1 team in the land--to a great overtime finish in the second round supporting they were legit. As much as they were underrated, and showed it, Vanderbilt was an overrated #4 and showed it. As my colleague Schmitt would say, Vandy shit the bed...oh man did they shit the bed. Blitzed by Siena in a game that was never close. Definitely the most lopsided upset so far.

Duke--as overrated a 2 seed since Iowa State in 2001; UCLA rewarded with a cake walk
Duke showed they aren't just weak when they can't shoot, they are actually a sub-par team. Scraping by Belmont then getting taken to the house by WVU. Paulus is really wishing he took the ND quarterback gig right about now. The #2 (Duke) and #3 (Xavier) from UCLA's region are weak as those seeds to begin. After Drake and UConn screwed the pooch and bowed out early they have to beat only W. Kentucky to face either Xavier or WVU to move to the Final Four. By far they have the easiest road among the 4 #1 seeds remaining.

A pair of 12-13 second round matchups...great!!
Through close games, except Vandy v. Siena, a pair of 12s (Villanova and WKU) and 13s (San Diego and Siena) advanced to play each other. 'Nova is a good school having a bit of a down year, but played well and moved past Siena easily--making you wonder even more just WTF with Vandy. I have no idea who W. Kentucky is but they knocked out Gumbercules' national champion pick (Drake) so I'll root for them against UCLA as they scraped by San Diego.

Washington St. wakes up at halftime against Winthrop
10 of the 12 top 3 seeds made it to the second weekend. If you said only one #4 seed would be in the Sweet 16 I would have bet money it would not have been Wash. St. Since they were tied with Winthrop at half they have outscored their opponent 93-52 over 3 halves. That 52 points allowed over three halves is super impressive. They may have a shot against UNC who has decided that instead of playing defense in their first two games they would just play at a pace that neither opponent could match. Good defense beats good offense...and vice versa.

The landscape of contenders didn't change too much except G'town and apparently Drake are gone. I think UCLA and UNC still are poised to dominate. Kansas has played well, but they're really good at finding ways to fuck things up. It's ironic how Memphis has fewer losses than any team in the land and yet few people talk about them as possible champs. That trend continues here, too.

Who else got drunk and made their bracket picks?

A Vanderbilt - Xavier National Championship game? That's just crazy enough to work...

Also in the works, Cornell over Stanford (who I picked to win it all in my sober bracket), Texas A&M in the Elite Eight (...) and Pitt somehow not shitting the bed before the Sweet 16.

Fail.

This happened in one of my lacrosse games once. The defender that scored celebrated by smoking a cigarette in the middle of gameplay directly afterwards. In the world of club lacrosse, that's evidently completely legal.

Butler Rewarded for 29-3 Season, Top 10 Ranking with 7-seed

Congratulations! You get Tennessee in the Second Round!

Butler, despite playing in a weak Horizon League, put up a strong year in 2007-2008. They touted a recognizable star (A.J. Graves), a strong sense of team recognition after a strong 2007 season, and wins over bubble teams like Virginia Tech, Ohio State, and Southern Illinois. The only thing that they lacked was a signature win, as the only Tourney-bound team they played (Drake) beat them by 7 points. This however, was one of only 3 blemishes, putting them behind only UNC and Memphis in the loss column and giving them a Top Ten ranking in the final poll before the NCAA tournament.

Logically, the NCAA bracket makers decided to stick the team with a 7-seed in one of the hardest brackets in tournament history. For the #10 (#11 AP) ranked team in the country to make it to the Final Four, they'd have to potentially beat Tennessee, Louisville, and UNC in consecutive games. On the other hand, Vanderbilt, ranked #19, drew a 4 seed, and potential matchups with Siena and Clemson on the way to the Sweet Sixteen, despite the fact that their best win away from Memorial Gym was at Depaul (or Georgia, depending on how you look at them).

Really, any excuse I get to post Alex Gordon, I'll use.

While I'm not going to complain, as I'm sure I'll be crying hysterically after Ross Neltner goes 0-12 in regulation during a Siena upset, this seems like a huge oversight. Did Butler get screwed? If this was college football, we would have been praising them like we did Rich Rodriguez for setting up such an easy OOC schedule on the path to postseason play. However, since they didn't bother to put one team that looked like an NCAA lock on the schedule this season (Ohio State would be without Oden and Conley, no one thought Drake would be this good, and Florida State/Texas Tech/Michigan were all clearly going to be bad BCS teams), it looks like they have no one to blame but themselves. Now they've got something to prove, and all the cupcake teams in the beginning of their season have turned into monster games in the NCAA tournament.

Underrated? Probably. Screwed? Yes. But they're as responsible for this as the selection committee is, and they'll have to dig their way out to be anything more than a mid-major novelty this year.

Surgery hurts like I imagine that scene from American History X and that guy with his mouth on the sidewalk hurts.

Gumbercules, much love for the thoughts. I took the liberty of editing this post. For such an amazing feat of injury I just want to thank God, through him all things are possible. My actual x-ray looks like this:

I am now officially bionic with a plate and EIGHT screws holding my collarbone together. The incision for the surgery was a mere 6 inches.


The injury, of course, happened like this:


Get well soon! I have nobody to drink with.

I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG..

..but here will be the fallout after my bracket intellectually cleanses the college basketball knowledge you claim to hold:



And I'm totally going to bone that slampig as soon as she gets done talking about how sweet my bracket was. I assume churches, weekly tithing and ascendancy will come soon thereafter.

Only 3 days to go until college basketball Christmas. Or for Billy Packer, the 11 or so days where his value as a human being on this planet is supposedly justified.

Shan Foster Becomes NBA Jam Character, Awarded SEC Player of the Year

After a 42-point, 9 for 9 3-pt shooting performance (along with 3 nasty dunks!) in the 2nd half and overtime, Vanderbilt's Shan Foster was named SEC Player of the Year by the conference's coaches. Foster, who evidently traded mindsets with notorious 3-chucker Alex Gordon (see I'm Alex Fucking Gordon, Dec. 2007), simply caught fire in the 2nd half, turning the Commodores' 2nd-half offense into a game of dribble aimlessly for 30 seconds, pass to Shan, and watch him shoot.

I'm pretty sure this was a 3-pt. attempt.

Foster, who had become the team's all-time leader scorer in the previous game, was humble in victory. "This is the first game I hit nine 3s. To hit nine in a row, that blows my mind," The win kept the 'Dores undefeated at home, but continued their streak of having absolutely no good road wins, which will serve to undermine their NCAA tournament seeding (unless you count victories at Depaul or South Carolina).

Ben Hansbrough, who guarded Foster all night, could not be reached for comment. Presumably he was crying himself to sleep after resigning himself to the idea that he's become the new Eli Manning.

Foster beat out stiff competition to become Vandy's second straight Player of the Year, including MSU's Jamont Gordon (who lit up the Commodores before leaving the game in OT due to cramps), Tennessee's Chris Lofton and Tyler Smith, and Florida's Nick Calathes.

BEAVER STADIUM NOW BEST AT EVERYTHING

Per The Michigan Daily, Beaver Stadium is officially the largest capacity stadium in the nation at 107, 282 people. Rejoice! And a special thank you to the unruly handicapped who made this moment possible.

Your stadium does not look like this.

Michigan Stadium will henceforth be known as "The Quite Large House" on this blog. One remaining homosexual issue was risen again:

Engineering graduate student John Nanry said he thought the Big House "might lose a bit of its personality if it's not the biggest," but added that Penn State's Beaver Stadium already felt bigger because it traps sound better than Michigan Stadium.

Mr. Nanry, like many Michigan students on this issue, is terribly misinformed. For the life of me, I cannot figure out how a bunch of kids can be so intelligent and still think that jangling keys somehow intimidates the opponent, rather than simply appearing to be the largest assembly of salvation army volunteers in history. If you would raise your goddamn voice at the game things might be different, fellas. I can't tell you how many times I've played mute beer pong at 1 am because I left my voice in the stands. Don't think it doesn't make a difference.

With Favre's Retirement Vinny T. Has Eyes On The Prize

"Let's see...I wear black so throw to white!
Haha, another one for The Testaverdenator!"

For those doing the retiring, retirement means ending an era, allowing that what has been will no longer be. For those who have competed with an individual who is about to retire, that individuals retirement means something else. Opportunity. Favre retires holding most major records for a quarterback, including the most interceptions thrown, all-time. Looming in the shadow of that record is a curly-haired, former Heisman winner from the sometimes school most times site of illegal activity, Vinny Testaverde.

That's right, Vinny T. currently trails Favre by 21 career interceptions. While it might actually be difficult to throw 21 interceptions and still hold a job in this league, typically you'd be benched before accomplishing such ineptitude, Vinny T. has shown an admirable resiliency to such blatant measures of inadequacy. Vinny T. has eclipsed 21 interceptions in four seasons throughout his career and still manages to find a team that is willing to pay him money to run their offense. Look for Vinny T. to latch on where he can to show, once and for all, who's the boss of throwing to the wrong team. Some athletes stick around well past the prime of their careers to pad the productivity stats. Vinny T. never experienced a prime of his career and all he's got to go for is an ironic accomplishment where longevity and productivity clash. I say, play the hand your dealt, and go for it Vinny! The Testaverdenator rules!

YES YES YES YES YES

A tip of the hat to Run Up The Score who linked coverage on ex-Steelers Coach Bill Cowher visiting Penn State last week for undisclosed reasons. The seemingly eminent Penn State head coaching vacancy is the tastiest way to view this piece of information; another rumored possibility is that his daughter is looking at PSU for college.

Either way, FUCK AND YES TO ATHLETIC DIRECTOR TIM CURLEY FOR HAVING A SLEEPOVER WITH THE CHIN. JoePa was probably fussing and pouting (and eating brains) over at his house while Tim and Bill drank Yuengling and played Mike Tyson's Punch Out! until the wee hours.


Cross that one off of the life To-Do list, Tim (still left: bring back the PSU-Pitt rivalry). While I support Paterno's subtle "Let Me Die On The Field" campaign, bringing Cowher Power to Happy Valley would completely lock down PSU's western PA recruiting. I've always felt that a unification of the state would lead to a PSU national title every 6-8 years. Plus, annexing Pittsburgh would be a huge step towards destabilizing Michigan's, and to a lesser extent Ohio State's recruiting.

In related news, a Google Search this evening of the phrase "Bill Simmons sucks" returned 834 hits. "I hate Bill Simmons" came in at about half that, at 443. While I find those totals strangely low, today I am proud to add a point to both. Here is a blog dedicated to hating him.

Perspective

Samuel Wanjiru is arguable the greatest young long-distance runner ever. By age 18 he had set the world-record in the half-marathon and has since re-established the world-record twice (for a time the great Haile Gebreselaisse held the record). He has run a half-marathon in 58 minutes and 33 seconds--that's a 4:28 mile more than 13 consecutive times--faster than anyone in history and he did so at 20 years of age. Now 21, he competed in and won a marathon race held last weekend at which the winner was awarded $300,000!!! There has never been more money given to the winner of a single race. His response when asked what he intended to do with the money: buy his mother a tractor. That's right, for his single mother who has done so much for him and owns a few acres of farmland he will help repay this debt and buy her a tractor and hire someone to drive it. I don't know the conversion of $300,000 to the Kenyan currency--I'm not familiar with the metric system or any other foreign language, but that sounds like a lot. There are people in this world that have totally different ideas of what wealth means and the first thing that comes to mind when they think of what wealth can get you. It's interesting to think about.

HILARIOUS DICTIONARY ENTRIES

Don't ask me what I was doing, but I laughed at this for several minutes. Cheers to Webster's for holding nothing back.

1 result for: poofter

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  pooh pooh

  Pooh-Bah

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Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English - Cite This Source - Share This

Main Entry:	poofter
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	a male homosexual; also, an emasculated male; also called poof
Example:	Stop babying him like that! You're going to turn him into a poofter!
Etymology:	1889; fr. poof
Usage:	British disparaging slang

Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English, Preview Edition (v 0.9.7)
Copyright © 2003-2008 Lexico Publishing Group, LLC


Of course the word came from France, the country that invented poofters. I also found it entertaining that the dictionary entries around "poofter" also came off just a little bit gay, as if poofter was slowly infecting the English language. Hey poohbah, you don't want to hang around that poofter too much, it might rub off on you HEYYYOOOO. Here is one of the top Google Image Search results for "poofter":

"So, did you see the new 'Poof'?"

Lloyd released by Redskins: Dan Synder proves up to task of overpaying for underachievers, yet again!

There's a reason why I had to use a photo of
him making a catch with San Francisco.

The Redskins released Brandon Lloyd after two years of such unparalleled lack of productivity coupled with amazing financial reward. During this two year stint with the Redskins he earned ~$11 million between a signing bonus and salary. Let's get a breakdown of just how much the Redskins paid for his productivity:

-25 games "played": $440,000.00 per game

-14 games in which he actually caught a pass: $785,714.29 per game where he actually did something

-23 catches (total, over two season): $478,260.87 per catch

-379 yards receiving: $29,023.75 per yard receiving

He was able to earn all this money from a team where he was still able to do things such as:
1) Blow up at the WRs coach during OTAs--it's OTAs, easy buddy.

2) Throw his helmet on the sideline during a game--okay, I
am inclined to think this happens often, but he must have thrown it at Joe Gibbs' wife or something because he was able to get himself benched for the game that followed and from then on lost his starting position.

3) Wouldn't learn certain receiver routes and expressed his discontent with being asked to run certain routes--Mr. Lloyd, you get to "play" football for a living. I would gnaw off a finger for the abilities you have and the chance that affords to play in the NFL. Perspective.

Lloyd is probably a nice guy and if karma is the bitch she claims to be then he'll go to Philly and catch 15 TDs next season. Either way, Brandon Lloyd got a nice bit of sweet cash for doing basically nothing for two years.

Wally Szczerbiak Traded to Cavs, Vows to Show LeBron How to Use Concealer Properly

Looking good, you handsome motherfucker.

In what will likely be the biggest trade in the Eastern Conference this year, Cleveland GM Danny Ferry decided to clean up his own mess and trade away his own awful signings for some other overpaid, past their prime players. A quick look:

Cavs send:

• Drew Gooden (decent player, poor hair growth skills)
• Larry Hughes (bad at everything, should play for the Knicks)
• Ira Newble (chunky hustle player)
• Shannon Brown (impressionable youngster)
• Cedric Simmons (has taken 6 shots this year, missed all 8 free throw attempts)

Cavs receive:

• Ben Wallace (past his prime, offensively challenged big man; can finally wear headbands)
• Wally Szczerbiak (handsome motherfucker, top 5 worst NBA All-Star of all time)
• Joe Smith (worst player ever to cost a team 4 1st round draft picks)
• Delonte West (possible mutant, decent guard)
  In his spare time, Delonte enjoys guarding bridges and spinning straw into gold.
  

I'd throw in an analysis of what the other teams got, but it's clear that the Cavs took advantage of a straight-up salary team on both teams. And by took advantage of, I really mean "gave Lebron a chance of winning 1 Finals game against the Spurs instead of 0." While these players are an upgrade over what the team currently has, the Cavs are still locked into mediocrity as Ferry has settled for the best of what's left. A move at any time, pre or post Gasol with the Grizzlies would have made much more sense.

Despite that, the trade is a winning situation for Cleveland. The Cavs traded a starter and an oft-injured, overpaid rotation guy for 3 potential starters. There is always the possibility that Wallace gets rejuvenated in a new city (with the added bonus of no longer having to stifle the urge to strangle Joakim Noah) and that Szczerbiak continues to play at a high level (13 ppg, .428 3-pt shooting in just 23 mpg) throughout the season and the playoffs. I mean, he can't be any worse than Larry Hughes (37% shooting overall, 2 turnovers per game), and the only legit player they gave up was Drew Gooden.

Sczcerbiak will also fill a key role for the Cavs by entertaining James with stories of all the chicks he totally banged at Miami of Ohio, thereby providing James with valuable secondhand college experience. It's Ferry's hope that the two become roommates, and that their awkward and often hilarious interactions will help ease the blow of getting swept by the Celtics in the Conference semi-finals. Also starring Bronson Pinchot as Zydrunas Ilgauksas.

This is what body odor looks like.

Which Crappy Free Agent Will Hit the Pirates Jackpot This Year?

Take a good, long look, coach.

Are you a major league baseball player who is clearly on the decline? Were you cut by the Kansas City Royals last year but hate life without sports so much that you refuse to give up? Are bad knees keeping you from reaching even the easiest fly balls? Declining vision causing you to rack up strikeout after strikeout at the plate? Do you love fat women and cheap beer? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations! You've got what it takes to play for the Pittsburgh Pirates in 2008!

Benito Santiago, Jeromy Burnitz, Joe Randa, Chris Stynes, Raul Mondesi, Kenny Lofton, Reggie Sanders. In 1998, this wouldn't even a playoff team. Between 2002-2007 they were "veteran leadership" on one year contracts with the Pittsburgh Pirates. These players were either seat warmers for prospects that never arrived (i.e. Tike Redman and Chris Duffy) or at very least trade bait to bring back some AA prospects from teams that actually contended.

It's not your fault, Lloyd. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

While some bounced back and prolonged their careers, others essentially made PNC Park their graveyard. Many a mediocre veteran has ended their career with a whimper in the Steel City. So far the Pirates have already signed #2BestSeller favorite and Devil Rays castaway Casey Fossum and 36 year old Chris Gomez.

Here are the rest of 2008's candidates:

Doug Mientkiewicz - In the span during which this article went from "draft" to "posted," the Pirates signed Mientkiewicz to a minor league contract. Here we have a player so nondescript that his only recognizable nickname, "eye-chart" comes from his unspellable last name. Look at that tubby bastard. He'll fit right in with the Pirates, having only hit 20 home runs over the past 3 seasons; A starting infield of Doug, Sanchez, Wilson, and Bautista would have a legit shot of hitting 40 combined dingers. However, since the Pirates love Yankee castaways (Matt Lawton, Shawn Chacon, Andy Phillips) so much, expect eye-chart to be anchoring 1st base by Opening Day.

Odds of being signed: 6 to 5


Preston Wilson: He's got a horrible injury history, was just released by the Cardinals, and he had his best seasons at Coors Field. I can't figure out if this guy is a trainwreck or a perfect candidate for the Pirates rehab program. His career has basically fallen off a cliff since 2005 - it's time for John Russell to turn him into a legit 10 HR, 36 RBI, .266 avg threat.

Odds: 5 to 1


Damian Miller - The poor man's Benito Santiago. Miller was a scab player during the 1994 baseball strike, and as a result isn't a part of the player's union. Because of this we'll have to use some fake-named54 overall player in dynasty mode of MLB 2008. Of course, with Ryan Doumit's body being made completely out of papier-mache, and Ronny Paulino remembering that he sucks in 2007, there's a definite need for a veteran catcher. I like Miller's odds.

Odds: 5 to 1.


Ryan Klesko - Major injury? Check. Let go by a terrible team (the Giants)? Check. Lack of power? Check. However, after the Eye-Chart signing, there may be little room for a 5th terrible veteran as a corner infielder. However, Pittsburgh's hunting scene may be able to entice the avid sportsman, as herds of water buffalo are spotted in Southside every night.

As a final note, I don't know much about Ryan Klesko.

Odds: 10 to 1


Trot Nixon: Since his days in Boston, Trot's been the ultimate clubhouse guy. Also since those days he's devolved from a potential 30-homer guy to one that hit 3 last year with the Indians. Good locker room presence? Declining hitter? Lost defensively? Sounds a lot like our signee from two years back, Sean Casey! He's also completely incapable of hitting lefties anymore, batting just .224 against them. A platoon of him and Xavier Nady in left field would be an insult to the military community.

Odds: 20 to 1


Shawn Green - Another power hitting corner outfielder who's been moving from team to team once his career started to decline. Seeing a trend here? The Mets bought out the final year of his contract, making him a free agent for 2008. Unfortunately, he's said that he prefers playing on the west coast, which is in almost every way a polar opposite of Pittsburgh.

Odds: 35 to 1


Tony Batista/Russell Branyan: Oh, please yes. Nothing would make me happier than to see Batista's crazy swing grounding into double plays and occasionally swatting a ball into the Allegheny. Same with Branyan's ability to strike out 100 times in a season as a pinch hitter. Hell, if they gave Jeromy Burnitz a shot, how could this go any worse?

Odds: 80 to 1


Sandy Alomar Jr.: Only because he's been following Benito Santiago his whole life. Yes, I understand that he's a coach now, but I think he'd be back if we let him wear 09.

Odds: 100 to 1


Henry Rowengartner: Sure, the kid's been out of the league since 1993, but at the ripe age of 27 I'm going to assume that he can still light it up. He led the Cubs to the NL Central pennant behind his and Gary Busey's dominant pitching, and somehow willed the rest of his team (including the janitor from Scrubs playing first) to the Cubs first World Series victory of the modern era. Hell, that's gotta be worth something, right?

(Also, check out this awesome and overly long recap from wikipedia. EEEYAH!)

Odds: 200 to 1

On a final note, from si.com's Spring Training previews:

This is a major rebuilding project; in fact, the biggest concern for Huntington will be if the Pirates start 28-24 or something, which they could do based on a strong bullpen and good top two starters. The last thing he needs is pressure to contend in 2008.

Yes, God forbid they contend. Everyone knows at this point that if the Pirates are over .500 after the All-Star break, the armies of hell will swarm the Earth. Only one man can stop them. Constantine.

Starring Dave Littlefield.

Roy Williams and Coach K no longer BFF

Coach K - Slamboree 2008. It is on.

It appears Roy Williams took umbrage over remarks made by Coach K (I already spelled Mientkewicz, that's enough for today) regarding injury reports. This all started after media asked Duke about player injuries, to which K replied that it was against team policy to report on this...

"unlike other teams."

(presumably followed by media going "oohhhhh shit, it's on now!"

Roy Williams did not approve.

It's not like I'm getting a dadgum plane and flying it around to say, 'Roy fell against a wall and banged his nose' or anything, Williams said in a news conference (through sniffles and heavy breathing that disguised apparent tears). We have to do those things [talk about injuries] and everybody's hurt. But there's different stages of being hurt.

Wait a minute? Roy fell against a wall? Roy, you're only 57; my grandmother is considerably older than that, has a job that requires no physical activity and even she's still got her motor skills. On the same note though, I doubt she could handle the physical responsibility of feeding Tyler Hansborough a live goat every 6 hours.

If you're hurt and missing games, that's not exactly like having a hangnail. And so we do have some people that are getting hurt and missing games. I don't think that somebody should say we're putting it in front of the public.

Sniffle, sniffle, Roy. Who the hell cares? Aside from a loss to Duke this season, you've had the upper hand on them for a few years now. Besides, everyone knows that when you get served you don't dance back - and now it's on.


You know who wouldn't care about this shit? Pat Summitt. For future reference, she's a breeder; power is sexy.

Lose the colors and we'll talk, sweetheart.

Yarrrr, Not a Looker in the Bunch.

Where the hell do we even begin?

#2's Wide World of Sports

We here at #2 best seller are all about sports (well, making ourselves feel better by putting down other people more athletic than us is a pretty good reason to get up in the morning, too). We're all about all kinds of sports. Recently the Tour de California began (that's cycling people) and if I were a betting man I would say the surprise unveiling of Aerotrike racing may be just what cycling needs to kick start it's popularity.

Hijacking the Tour de California race course.

Aluminum Gold: Volume Three - Regional Beers

Iron City - Ah, a taste of Pittsburgh. They’ve even put it in aluminum bottles to make it more authentic. Just like the city, it peaked in the 1970s, but still can entice naive college students with its aesthetic qualities. It carries on a rich tradition of being unable to let go of the past. Unlike Pittsburgh, it tastes a lot like carbonated butter. The perfect beer for watching a 10-1 Pirates loss.

Rating: Defeated.

Genesee Cream Ale - A product of the Genesee River in upstate New York, Genesee Cream Ale is a direct effect of what pollution has done to America’s waterways. Evidently, cream is one of those words that have different meanings in different places because I could have sworn that I tasted soap, but no sign of anything "creamy".

Rating: Mislabeled.

Sam Adams Light - What a time to live in Boston. They come out with Sam Adams Light, and then immediately the Red Sox and Patriots start bringing home titles. They produce a new Summer Ale and Kevin Garnett gets traded to the Celtics. In fact, rumor has is that the Patriots Super Bowl XLII loss is directly related to the failure of a Sam Adams raspberry hefeweizen beer that was labeled "even too gay for New England." Maybe if they come out with a low-carb beer alternative Dispatch will get back together. Then what will those assholes have to complain about? Huh?

Rating: Pretentious.

Old Style - The official beer of the Chicago Cubs. See Iron City.

Rating: Historically defeated.












Sierra Nevada Pale Ale - About as regional nowadays as Sam Adams, this is just a fucking mean, bitter IPA. This is the beer you drink and then lie about how good it tastes through locked teeth to look cool in front of your friends. "Sierra Nevada? I put that shit on my corn flakes, bro!" Of course, the bottle design is cool and it's available for relatively cheap almost anywhere, so both yuppies and hipsters alike can enjoy it. Congratulations Sierra Nevada, you're the new Michelob!

Rating: Pass me another Sierra, bro, I'm too drunk ride my bike to the hookah bar.

Vanderbilt 93. Kentucky 52

Ramel Bradley Guns Up Another 3 in Garbage Time.
Isiah Thomas Just Fell in Love.

I don't really have anything to add to this, other than the fact that Vanderbilt, 5 minutes into the 2nd half, was up 55-14. That's a score more fitting for a Broncos-49ers Super Bowl than one of the greatest college basketball teams of all time. That said, there's nothing like seeing Ashley Judd cry in person. It's like someone drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa. Also outstanding was seeing Patrick Patterson almost murder someone after drawing his 4th foul. He looks like he played with matches a lot as a kid.



While Alex Gordon only put up 2 shots, the one he made was a no-look fade away three with a hand in his face to put Vandy up by 35. You can't underestimate the importance of Alex Fucking Gordon. He's the A-Rod of SEC basketball.

"Sucks to be you. R-O-T-F-L-M-A-O!"

I wanted to write something funny about Devean George being the one to nix the Jason Kidd to Dallas trade, but then I came across this and realized it had been done well enough that any further contribution would just detract from this hilariousness.

Read this...fucking hilarious

DEAR TERRELLE PRYOR

So after writing that, I felt it would be better if I contrasted Joe's inspirational quotes on team-building and honor against a legendary coach of the batshit insane variety. Here's what Woody Hayes would email Terrelle from the grave:

Terrelle,

I have no idea how this contraption works that I am using to write this message, but then I've always said, if we learn about computers, then we're in the ballgame. Paralyze resistance with persistence, so here I am typing away. At Ohio State, our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect. Recently one of our star running backs earned a falsified insurance claim, and our Heisman QB earned $500 from a booster somehow. But when you get into the passing game, you can expect that sort of thing to happen.

As you know, I live to win. After all, without winners, there wouldn't even be any civilization. The minute I think I'm getting mellow, I'm retiring. Who ever heard of a mellow winner? That's why back in '69 I went for a two-point conversion with a 34-point lead against Michigan. The referees told me I couldn't go for three.

But any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. A man is always better than he thinks, which in your case, Terrelle, would make you Football Jesus. You seem like a hard worker, but some people change, and some people change too late, and then you have a problem. Like the one we had back home in Newcomerstown when they had to give up driver's ed in the high school because the horse died.

In closing, let me point out that there's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you. And I guarantee you, if you go to Michigan, your soul will be cleansed at least four times, and possibly more, since I am Notre Dame's best afterlife recruiter.


Sincerely,

Woody Hayes
Head Coach
The Ohio State University

I am upset that I never got to watch Woody live.

He never apologized for this. Amazing.

DEAR TERRELLE PRYOR

Fumbling through the various PSU message boards, I recently stumbled across a post detailing a recent email from the head coach of Penn State, Joe Paterno, to highly sought-after recruit/prima donna Terrelle Pryor. I thought it was worth reproducing here:

Terrelle,

I'm writing you today because I sense you are confused with respect to your future. I know personally that publicity is like poison; it doesn't hurt unless you swallow it, and that the minute you think you've got it made, disaster is just around the corner. But believe deep down in your heart that you are destined to do great things. Besides pride, loyalty, discipline, heart, and mind, confidence is the key to all the locks, and you should be confident in your final decision.

If you come to Penn State, you will have to perform at a consistently higher level than others. That's the mark of a true professional, Terrelle. You need to play with supreme confidence, or else you'll lose again and again, and then losing becomes a habit; a habit that Penn State has hopefully kicked in the past two years. But, losing a game is only heartbreaking. Losing your sense of excellence or worth is a tragedy. In other words, the will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital. Penn State will teach you how to prepare.

And remember Terrelle, it's the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back. My goal is for our team to outgrow individual performance and learn team confidence so that excellency becomes a reality. And in passing, know that success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good.


Sincerely,

Joe Paterno
Head Coach
The Pennsylvania State University

---

"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!"

I don't know about you, but I think we have a shot at this kid, even though his gray matter may not be enough to revitalize our coach.

Kelvin Sampson: You're a Giant Bag of Douche

Kelvin Sampson has not only been associated with NCAA violations at his new home, Indiana University, but has also lied about his infractions. What are you good for if you can't keep your nose clean after leaving an institution at which you committed NCAA violations and then lied about doing things you were specifically told you could not do because of previous NCAA violations? Read either account below for details, but they are simple things like participating in three-way conference phone calls with recruits and being present when an assistant coach makes a phone call to a recruit when he was explicitly not allowed to do so as part of his punishment. Someone please get this guy out of college basketball.

ESPN account

Washington Post article

Ref screws the pooch with last second foul in G'town-Villanova game

Last night the 8th ranked G'town Hoyas eeked out a win against the unranked Villanova Wildcats 55-53. This leaves the Hoyas (20-3, 10-2) tied with Notre Dame (WTF?!) in the loss column of Big East play. Additionally, it removed any chance for 'Nova to get a much needed win as they currently are tied for the 12th and final tourney spot in the Big East--sidenote: the fact that not every team goes to the tournament is retarded. Thankfully, someone realized this and it will change next season with all 16 teams making post-season play.

As much as I am a G'town fan, been one since when they still used fruit baskets for hoops--yeah, I'm old, Villanova got jobbed last night. 53-53 with a few seconds left in an exciting, but super ugly Big East prototypical game and G'town plays great defense on the Wildcats holding for the last shot. Jonathan Wallance, G'town senior guard who got into their law school--ranked top 10 in the nation, picked up the loose ball and headed up sideline. With a bit of contact the ref blew the whistle, which being in the double bonus meant two free throws, with 0.1 seconds left. Wallace, a career better than 80% FT shooter nails both and the game is over.

It sucks the ref decided the game on a ticky-tacky foul when for the most part of the game they allowed a good bit of contact. The game was physical, but the last second foul was certainly not necessary. The only logical defense I can provide for the ref is Wallace steps on the sideline after the contact, something which the ref could absolutely see given his perspective. My notion is the ref called the foul because if he doesn't he felt he had to call the out-of-bounds even though Wallace going out of bounds was absolutely because of the defensive contact. It's shitty and the ref should have let the play go and the clock expire. Though the ref who made the foul call cannot be expected to know this, the Villanova guy who had the ball immediately before Wallace scooped up the loose ball definitely stepped on the end line. You make that call and it's G'town ball with 5 secs left and they can start from half-court. Maybe they hit a game winner there, maybe not. You never want to see a close game get decided on a call like that. Tough break for the Wildcats.

People We Love: Georges Laraque

"You want to do it? Square up? Ok. Good luck man."



Laraque is currently the NHL's best enforcer, playing most games simply to protect Sidney Crosby and fight random foreigners. While he's a decent player who can score as well (22 points in 2007), his clear strength is protecting the Penguins' young stars. And he's damn good at it too. According to hockeyfights.com (evidently the leading source for hockey fight win/loss percentages, likely also the only source), he's undefeated since 2005, going 27-0-2.

However, while Laraque is a competent player and consummate gentleman on the ice, he lacks the one quality that makes an enforcer truly great; batshit insanity.

Bob Probert had it - punching Tom Barasso's facemask off before attacking a player who was being held stomach down on the ice by a referee.


Tie Domi definitely had it - fighting a fan that fell into the penalty box after repeatedly taunting him:


Laraque? Well he's not quite there. Yet.

Sliced Throat Makes Hockey Relevant Again

Just like Jack the Ripper shed light upon the working girls of London, a story of slit throats is bringing the NHL into the spotlight (si.com's top story!)

Skating to the bench while losing pints of blood? The only way that this could have been more badass is if he fought a bear on the way.

Florida Panthers forward Richard Zednik is in stable condition today after a freak injury that gashed open his throat. Zednik was injured when he was clipped by the skate of upended teammate Olli Jokinen. Fortunately, the skate only sliced the carotid artery and not the jugular, somehow giving him the ability to skate back to his bench and stave off death. If there's anything I've learn from Lost, it's that eastern Europeans are basically invincible, and this just proves that point.

Did somebody kill a badger on the ice?

It took crews 15 minutes to scrape all the blood off the ice, no doubt giving the young children in attendance fodder for their nightmares for years to come. A foolproof way to turn your kids off sports in their developing stages is to show them a live event where a player nearly bleeds to death in the middle of it. Last night, Buffalo saw the birth of a thousand new Magic: The Gathering players. And even that may not be safe enough.

Well Zednik, that's what you get for playing hockey for a warm-weather city. If this game was in Florida you would have had to have prayed that one of the hundred or so fans in attendance was a doctor.