Wally Szczerbiak Traded to Cavs, Vows to Show LeBron How to Use Concealer Properly

Looking good, you handsome motherfucker.

In what will likely be the biggest trade in the Eastern Conference this year, Cleveland GM Danny Ferry decided to clean up his own mess and trade away his own awful signings for some other overpaid, past their prime players. A quick look:

Cavs send:

• Drew Gooden (decent player, poor hair growth skills)
• Larry Hughes (bad at everything, should play for the Knicks)
• Ira Newble (chunky hustle player)
• Shannon Brown (impressionable youngster)
• Cedric Simmons (has taken 6 shots this year, missed all 8 free throw attempts)

Cavs receive:

• Ben Wallace (past his prime, offensively challenged big man; can finally wear headbands)
• Wally Szczerbiak (handsome motherfucker, top 5 worst NBA All-Star of all time)
• Joe Smith (worst player ever to cost a team 4 1st round draft picks)
• Delonte West (possible mutant, decent guard)
  In his spare time, Delonte enjoys guarding bridges and spinning straw into gold.
  

I'd throw in an analysis of what the other teams got, but it's clear that the Cavs took advantage of a straight-up salary team on both teams. And by took advantage of, I really mean "gave Lebron a chance of winning 1 Finals game against the Spurs instead of 0." While these players are an upgrade over what the team currently has, the Cavs are still locked into mediocrity as Ferry has settled for the best of what's left. A move at any time, pre or post Gasol with the Grizzlies would have made much more sense.

Despite that, the trade is a winning situation for Cleveland. The Cavs traded a starter and an oft-injured, overpaid rotation guy for 3 potential starters. There is always the possibility that Wallace gets rejuvenated in a new city (with the added bonus of no longer having to stifle the urge to strangle Joakim Noah) and that Szczerbiak continues to play at a high level (13 ppg, .428 3-pt shooting in just 23 mpg) throughout the season and the playoffs. I mean, he can't be any worse than Larry Hughes (37% shooting overall, 2 turnovers per game), and the only legit player they gave up was Drew Gooden.

Sczcerbiak will also fill a key role for the Cavs by entertaining James with stories of all the chicks he totally banged at Miami of Ohio, thereby providing James with valuable secondhand college experience. It's Ferry's hope that the two become roommates, and that their awkward and often hilarious interactions will help ease the blow of getting swept by the Celtics in the Conference semi-finals. Also starring Bronson Pinchot as Zydrunas Ilgauksas.

This is what body odor looks like.