Aluminum Gold: Volume Two - Malt Liquors

Laser - In the world of malt liquors, you should generally stay away from anything that doesn’t reference some kind of fierce animal. However, the can’s design alone sets this above every other malt. One sip was like taking a bullet train back to the 80s, fueled by pure testosterone. After two 40s I remembered all the lyrics to "Two Tickets to Paradise" and "Take Me Home Tonight." It was nice.

Rating: Eddie Money.

King Cobra - Possibly the fiercest of all malt liquor logos, I was shocked to find that there is actually very little cobra in the drink itself. Instead it sports an overwhelmingly metallic taste for a 40, similar to say, licking the inside of a VCR. When robots finally control earth, this will be their beverage of choice.

Rating: Aluminum-y.

Olde English High Gravity 800 - Drinking this beer is like finding a sexually aggressive girlfriend. Even if you can handle it, it's best enjoyed out of the public eye so that you aren't labeled a freak. If you can't, you’ll find yourself curled into a ball in the corner of your shower, weeping uncontrollably. Either way, you’ll wake up the next morning questioning your manhood.

Rating: Say my name, bitch!

Colt 45 - The Mike Tyson of beers. Sure, you can laugh at it, but if you don't take it seriously you’re going to get knocked around pretty badly. It goes down smooth, but once it hits your stomach it starts rearranging shit and sucker punching your kidneys. You know who wins when you drink this? No one. What the hell was Billy Dee Williams talking about anyway?

Rating: Abominable.

St. Ide’s High Gravity - Though the name reflects poorly on it, the stylized drawing of a pit bull chewing on a can more than legitimatized this malt liquor for me. It’s got a surprisingly creamy flavor that forces its way down your throat. The can also puts its 8.2% alcohol content right on the label, so you can better understand why you just punched your girlfriend/boyfriend after four pounders.

Rating: Instigating.