Aluminum Gold: Volume Three - Regional Beers

Iron City - Ah, a taste of Pittsburgh. They’ve even put it in aluminum bottles to make it more authentic. Just like the city, it peaked in the 1970s, but still can entice naive college students with its aesthetic qualities. It carries on a rich tradition of being unable to let go of the past. Unlike Pittsburgh, it tastes a lot like carbonated butter. The perfect beer for watching a 10-1 Pirates loss.

Rating: Defeated.

Genesee Cream Ale - A product of the Genesee River in upstate New York, Genesee Cream Ale is a direct effect of what pollution has done to America’s waterways. Evidently, cream is one of those words that have different meanings in different places because I could have sworn that I tasted soap, but no sign of anything "creamy".

Rating: Mislabeled.

Sam Adams Light - What a time to live in Boston. They come out with Sam Adams Light, and then immediately the Red Sox and Patriots start bringing home titles. They produce a new Summer Ale and Kevin Garnett gets traded to the Celtics. In fact, rumor has is that the Patriots Super Bowl XLII loss is directly related to the failure of a Sam Adams raspberry hefeweizen beer that was labeled "even too gay for New England." Maybe if they come out with a low-carb beer alternative Dispatch will get back together. Then what will those assholes have to complain about? Huh?

Rating: Pretentious.

Old Style - The official beer of the Chicago Cubs. See Iron City.

Rating: Historically defeated.












Sierra Nevada Pale Ale - About as regional nowadays as Sam Adams, this is just a fucking mean, bitter IPA. This is the beer you drink and then lie about how good it tastes through locked teeth to look cool in front of your friends. "Sierra Nevada? I put that shit on my corn flakes, bro!" Of course, the bottle design is cool and it's available for relatively cheap almost anywhere, so both yuppies and hipsters alike can enjoy it. Congratulations Sierra Nevada, you're the new Michelob!

Rating: Pass me another Sierra, bro, I'm too drunk ride my bike to the hookah bar.

Aluminum Gold: Volume Two - Malt Liquors

Laser - In the world of malt liquors, you should generally stay away from anything that doesn’t reference some kind of fierce animal. However, the can’s design alone sets this above every other malt. One sip was like taking a bullet train back to the 80s, fueled by pure testosterone. After two 40s I remembered all the lyrics to "Two Tickets to Paradise" and "Take Me Home Tonight." It was nice.

Rating: Eddie Money.

King Cobra - Possibly the fiercest of all malt liquor logos, I was shocked to find that there is actually very little cobra in the drink itself. Instead it sports an overwhelmingly metallic taste for a 40, similar to say, licking the inside of a VCR. When robots finally control earth, this will be their beverage of choice.

Rating: Aluminum-y.

Olde English High Gravity 800 - Drinking this beer is like finding a sexually aggressive girlfriend. Even if you can handle it, it's best enjoyed out of the public eye so that you aren't labeled a freak. If you can't, you’ll find yourself curled into a ball in the corner of your shower, weeping uncontrollably. Either way, you’ll wake up the next morning questioning your manhood.

Rating: Say my name, bitch!

Colt 45 - The Mike Tyson of beers. Sure, you can laugh at it, but if you don't take it seriously you’re going to get knocked around pretty badly. It goes down smooth, but once it hits your stomach it starts rearranging shit and sucker punching your kidneys. You know who wins when you drink this? No one. What the hell was Billy Dee Williams talking about anyway?

Rating: Abominable.

St. Ide’s High Gravity - Though the name reflects poorly on it, the stylized drawing of a pit bull chewing on a can more than legitimatized this malt liquor for me. It’s got a surprisingly creamy flavor that forces its way down your throat. The can also puts its 8.2% alcohol content right on the label, so you can better understand why you just punched your girlfriend/boyfriend after four pounders.

Rating: Instigating.

Aluminum Gold: Volume One - Frat Beers

As part of an ongoing series, I'll be providing expert reviews of whatever swill I can find for under $15 per case. Consider this a crash course on wasting your student loan checks.

Pabst Blue Ribbon -

Pabst is the old reliable girlfriend that's always been there when you needed a quick fix, but was never hot enough for you to brag about to your friends. She might not look like much, but she understands what it takes to please you. What else can you say about it? It’s the official beer of 2 am desperation.

Rating: Available.

Natural Ice -

If Pabst is that old reliable girlfriend, Natty Ice is her fat ugly friend that probably has V.D.. You're never really happy to be with it and you immediately regret the decision when you’re finished. Even though all of your friends have stooped to that level, they'll never fail to make fun of you for it.

Rating: Slutty, ugly, filled with hate.

Red Dog -

This is your stepdad’s beer. Not the one who tried to be your friend, but the one with the mustache and mullet who drove a Ford Fiero. The one that used to throw his cigarette butts in half full cans. Somehow, without the tobacco, Red Dog just isn't the same. It's depressing, really.

Rating: Lonely.

Keystone Light -

Keystone advertises itself as 'never bitter.' I guess it’s pretty easy not to be bitter when you don't taste like anything.

Rating: Sterile.