As part of an ongoing series, I'll be providing expert reviews of whatever swill I can find for under $15 per case. Consider this a crash course on wasting your student loan checks.
Pabst Blue Ribbon -
Pabst is the old reliable girlfriend that's always been there when you needed a quick fix, but was never hot enough for you to brag about to your friends. She might not look like much, but she understands what it takes to please you. What else can you say about it? It’s the official beer of 2 am desperation.
Rating: Available.
Natural Ice -
If Pabst is that old reliable girlfriend, Natty Ice is her fat ugly friend that probably has V.D.. You're never really happy to be with it and you immediately regret the decision when you’re finished. Even though all of your friends have stooped to that level, they'll never fail to make fun of you for it.
Rating: Slutty, ugly, filled with hate.
Red Dog -
This is your stepdad’s beer. Not the one who tried to be your friend, but the one with the mustache and mullet who drove a Ford Fiero. The one that used to throw his cigarette butts in half full cans. Somehow, without the tobacco, Red Dog just isn't the same. It's depressing, really.
Rating: Lonely.
Keystone Light -
Keystone advertises itself as 'never bitter.' I guess it’s pretty easy not to be bitter when you don't taste like anything.
Rating: Sterile.
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