Layups? I'm Alex Fucking Gordon!

You know what? Today I'm only going to dribble behind my back. We're playing Tennessee? Bullshit. I'm Alex Fucking Gordon. I fucking own this team. These pussies can't guard me.

A double team? Time to post up. I see Foster on the wing, but fuck him. I'm the biggest 5-10 motherfucker you've ever seen. They give me an inch and I'll throw down on their asses. I'm Alex Fucking Gordon.

What? It got blocked again? Fuck. That was a foul. NCAA refs don't respect VU for shit. If the UNC mascot could walk half as well as Jeff Green did in the tournament he'd still be alive today.


Give me the ball. GIVE ME THE BALL FOSTER. I don't give a fuck how many 3s you make per game. I fucking own UT. I made Dane Bradshaw my bitch last year. I'll put up any shot from half court in. I'm Alex FUCKING Gordon.

(banks in 3 pointer from beyond half court)

Look at that. Money. Now we're only down 17. This is Alex Gordon time baby. I'm the A-Rod of college basketball. We even shoot the same average; .313. Look at Beal calling for the ball, wide open underneath. Yeah, right, douchebag. Time to drive, Red Gordon style.

What? Smith blocked it again? Fuck. That was a goddamn foul. You can't touch me. I'm Alex Fucking Gordon.

(UT, playing 5 on 4 offense, pushes the lead back to 20 with 4 minutes to play).

Looks like it's my time to shine. Chris Lofton ain't got SHIT on me.

















(Pictured: Alex Gordon. Not Pictured: Zwinky ad that seemingly accompanies every Alex Gordon picture on google.)