NHL All-Star Game is a Thriller, Earns as Much Press as Dana Jacobsen's Return to Cold Pizza

Congratulations! You play a sport no one cares about.

The NHL held it's all-star game last night, and with its only recognizable star, Sidney Crosby, missing due to injury, evidently no one cared. Judging by their headlines, ESPN.com has equated the game to Chris Webber's NBA return (to single handedly destroy the Warriors' chemistry) and Dana Jacobson's return to Cold Pizza after showing her disdain for Jesus at Mike and Mike's Celebrity Roast (the woman works with Skip Bayless and Woody Paige everyday; technically she's a saint anyway, I doubt God minded that much).

Of course, it didn't help that the All-Star game was shown on Versus, unpopular sports' response to the NFL Network. Despite constant ads that reminded me which channel Vs. is on (72 or 34), I still got lost and ended up watching Tremors three times in a row. Hopefully I'll find it soon, since I don't want to miss out on my Mountain West college sports, competitive cycling, Cal Ripken World Series (really, they televise this), American's Cup, and old episodes of Survivor.

Take a look at that list, NHL. This is what you've become. You're just a few years away from becoming a big budget rival of the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

Oh yeah, the East won, 8-7. Eric Staal won MVP honors, presumably earning him a bag of turnips or whatever NHL players like. Denim jackets? A case of Busch camo-cans? Ah, a truck. Well I guess that makes sense.