Which Crappy Free Agent Will Hit the Pirates Jackpot This Year?

Take a good, long look, coach.

Are you a major league baseball player who is clearly on the decline? Were you cut by the Kansas City Royals last year but hate life without sports so much that you refuse to give up? Are bad knees keeping you from reaching even the easiest fly balls? Declining vision causing you to rack up strikeout after strikeout at the plate? Do you love fat women and cheap beer? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations! You've got what it takes to play for the Pittsburgh Pirates in 2008!

Benito Santiago, Jeromy Burnitz, Joe Randa, Chris Stynes, Raul Mondesi, Kenny Lofton, Reggie Sanders. In 1998, this wouldn't even a playoff team. Between 2002-2007 they were "veteran leadership" on one year contracts with the Pittsburgh Pirates. These players were either seat warmers for prospects that never arrived (i.e. Tike Redman and Chris Duffy) or at very least trade bait to bring back some AA prospects from teams that actually contended.

It's not your fault, Lloyd. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

While some bounced back and prolonged their careers, others essentially made PNC Park their graveyard. Many a mediocre veteran has ended their career with a whimper in the Steel City. So far the Pirates have already signed #2BestSeller favorite and Devil Rays castaway Casey Fossum and 36 year old Chris Gomez.

Here are the rest of 2008's candidates:

Doug Mientkiewicz - In the span during which this article went from "draft" to "posted," the Pirates signed Mientkiewicz to a minor league contract. Here we have a player so nondescript that his only recognizable nickname, "eye-chart" comes from his unspellable last name. Look at that tubby bastard. He'll fit right in with the Pirates, having only hit 20 home runs over the past 3 seasons; A starting infield of Doug, Sanchez, Wilson, and Bautista would have a legit shot of hitting 40 combined dingers. However, since the Pirates love Yankee castaways (Matt Lawton, Shawn Chacon, Andy Phillips) so much, expect eye-chart to be anchoring 1st base by Opening Day.

Odds of being signed: 6 to 5


Preston Wilson: He's got a horrible injury history, was just released by the Cardinals, and he had his best seasons at Coors Field. I can't figure out if this guy is a trainwreck or a perfect candidate for the Pirates rehab program. His career has basically fallen off a cliff since 2005 - it's time for John Russell to turn him into a legit 10 HR, 36 RBI, .266 avg threat.

Odds: 5 to 1


Damian Miller - The poor man's Benito Santiago. Miller was a scab player during the 1994 baseball strike, and as a result isn't a part of the player's union. Because of this we'll have to use some fake-named54 overall player in dynasty mode of MLB 2008. Of course, with Ryan Doumit's body being made completely out of papier-mache, and Ronny Paulino remembering that he sucks in 2007, there's a definite need for a veteran catcher. I like Miller's odds.

Odds: 5 to 1.


Ryan Klesko - Major injury? Check. Let go by a terrible team (the Giants)? Check. Lack of power? Check. However, after the Eye-Chart signing, there may be little room for a 5th terrible veteran as a corner infielder. However, Pittsburgh's hunting scene may be able to entice the avid sportsman, as herds of water buffalo are spotted in Southside every night.

As a final note, I don't know much about Ryan Klesko.

Odds: 10 to 1


Trot Nixon: Since his days in Boston, Trot's been the ultimate clubhouse guy. Also since those days he's devolved from a potential 30-homer guy to one that hit 3 last year with the Indians. Good locker room presence? Declining hitter? Lost defensively? Sounds a lot like our signee from two years back, Sean Casey! He's also completely incapable of hitting lefties anymore, batting just .224 against them. A platoon of him and Xavier Nady in left field would be an insult to the military community.

Odds: 20 to 1


Shawn Green - Another power hitting corner outfielder who's been moving from team to team once his career started to decline. Seeing a trend here? The Mets bought out the final year of his contract, making him a free agent for 2008. Unfortunately, he's said that he prefers playing on the west coast, which is in almost every way a polar opposite of Pittsburgh.

Odds: 35 to 1


Tony Batista/Russell Branyan: Oh, please yes. Nothing would make me happier than to see Batista's crazy swing grounding into double plays and occasionally swatting a ball into the Allegheny. Same with Branyan's ability to strike out 100 times in a season as a pinch hitter. Hell, if they gave Jeromy Burnitz a shot, how could this go any worse?

Odds: 80 to 1


Sandy Alomar Jr.: Only because he's been following Benito Santiago his whole life. Yes, I understand that he's a coach now, but I think he'd be back if we let him wear 09.

Odds: 100 to 1


Henry Rowengartner: Sure, the kid's been out of the league since 1993, but at the ripe age of 27 I'm going to assume that he can still light it up. He led the Cubs to the NL Central pennant behind his and Gary Busey's dominant pitching, and somehow willed the rest of his team (including the janitor from Scrubs playing first) to the Cubs first World Series victory of the modern era. Hell, that's gotta be worth something, right?

(Also, check out this awesome and overly long recap from wikipedia. EEEYAH!)

Odds: 200 to 1

On a final note, from si.com's Spring Training previews:

This is a major rebuilding project; in fact, the biggest concern for Huntington will be if the Pirates start 28-24 or something, which they could do based on a strong bullpen and good top two starters. The last thing he needs is pressure to contend in 2008.

Yes, God forbid they contend. Everyone knows at this point that if the Pirates are over .500 after the All-Star break, the armies of hell will swarm the Earth. Only one man can stop them. Constantine.

Starring Dave Littlefield.