DEAR TERRELLE PRYOR

So after writing that, I felt it would be better if I contrasted Joe's inspirational quotes on team-building and honor against a legendary coach of the batshit insane variety. Here's what Woody Hayes would email Terrelle from the grave:

Terrelle,

I have no idea how this contraption works that I am using to write this message, but then I've always said, if we learn about computers, then we're in the ballgame. Paralyze resistance with persistence, so here I am typing away. At Ohio State, our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect. Recently one of our star running backs earned a falsified insurance claim, and our Heisman QB earned $500 from a booster somehow. But when you get into the passing game, you can expect that sort of thing to happen.

As you know, I live to win. After all, without winners, there wouldn't even be any civilization. The minute I think I'm getting mellow, I'm retiring. Who ever heard of a mellow winner? That's why back in '69 I went for a two-point conversion with a 34-point lead against Michigan. The referees told me I couldn't go for three.

But any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. A man is always better than he thinks, which in your case, Terrelle, would make you Football Jesus. You seem like a hard worker, but some people change, and some people change too late, and then you have a problem. Like the one we had back home in Newcomerstown when they had to give up driver's ed in the high school because the horse died.

In closing, let me point out that there's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you. And I guarantee you, if you go to Michigan, your soul will be cleansed at least four times, and possibly more, since I am Notre Dame's best afterlife recruiter.


Sincerely,

Woody Hayes
Head Coach
The Ohio State University

I am upset that I never got to watch Woody live.

He never apologized for this. Amazing.

DEAR TERRELLE PRYOR

Fumbling through the various PSU message boards, I recently stumbled across a post detailing a recent email from the head coach of Penn State, Joe Paterno, to highly sought-after recruit/prima donna Terrelle Pryor. I thought it was worth reproducing here:

Terrelle,

I'm writing you today because I sense you are confused with respect to your future. I know personally that publicity is like poison; it doesn't hurt unless you swallow it, and that the minute you think you've got it made, disaster is just around the corner. But believe deep down in your heart that you are destined to do great things. Besides pride, loyalty, discipline, heart, and mind, confidence is the key to all the locks, and you should be confident in your final decision.

If you come to Penn State, you will have to perform at a consistently higher level than others. That's the mark of a true professional, Terrelle. You need to play with supreme confidence, or else you'll lose again and again, and then losing becomes a habit; a habit that Penn State has hopefully kicked in the past two years. But, losing a game is only heartbreaking. Losing your sense of excellence or worth is a tragedy. In other words, the will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital. Penn State will teach you how to prepare.

And remember Terrelle, it's the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back. My goal is for our team to outgrow individual performance and learn team confidence so that excellency becomes a reality. And in passing, know that success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good.


Sincerely,

Joe Paterno
Head Coach
The Pennsylvania State University

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"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!"

I don't know about you, but I think we have a shot at this kid, even though his gray matter may not be enough to revitalize our coach.

Nevada High School Standards Under Scrutiny After Student Behaves Like A Moron on National Signing Day

In a gymnasium filled with eager yokel townies from Not Las Vegas, NV, a high school football player from Nevada accepted a scholarship to play football for Cal-Berkley, deciding against U. of Oregon. It was later learned he did not have offers from either of these schools and in fact was not offered scholarships to any D-I schools he claimed to have been considering. It sounds like he may have been duped by someone posing as a recruiter. It may also be the case he accepted money from this person--God knows why--and allegedly repaid him in excess--again, WTF? At the signing ceremony he talked about interacting with Cal head coach Jeff Tedford and how that personal communication was influential in his decision.

Huh?

Okay, we have now officially gone from a plausibly honest case of getting fooled, albeit pretty badly, to this kid flat out lying. Because this kid is still in high school and high schoolers are by definition morons I am inclined to cut him some slack. I hope he comes out and says, "Ha! I fooled all you fuckers!" This would be a good counter to the general stupidity that is "National Signing Day". I am all for a bumblefuck town embracing their first D-I football product since that would eclipse their previously greatest event in town history--the installation of their one and only stop light. Be proud of where you come from and who comes from your town. But this national attention paid to 17 and 18 yr olds deciding where they are going to play college football seems a bit much, no? On some level this reminds me of the twistedness of adolescent beauty pageants.

Still, this is a pretty funny story. How the fuck did the head coach for this kid not realize something wasn't right?