WHADDYA GOT THERE, NUMBERS?: NO HUMAN WILL EVER PICK THIS TOURNAMENT CORRECTLY

This in addenda to the Washington Post's article covering the futility of picking this year's Sweet Sixteen.

Offering a million dollars for a complete bracket is a safe marketing bet by ESPN that stirs up considerable interest with very little risk. There are 2⁶³ = 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 possible ways to fill out a bracket given the play-in game is not counted, and only one way to win that money. If we assume that a bracket weighted with knowledge of the game improves those odds by about 6 orders of magnitude (base 2), let's say the four 16-1 gimmes and two other games, and that the 3.65 million participants of ESPN's Tourney challenge each entered a unique bracket (didn't happen, but irrelevant), the odds of ESPN paying up each year are about 0.0000000002814%, which will not happen in our lifetime, or in the expected lifetime of the human species. In fact, the odds of ESPN paying up at least once between now and 900 million years from now (when the surface of the Earth becomes inhospitable due to gradually rising solar luminosity) is only about 0.3%.

If during those 900 million years, ESPN invested their million dollars in an average mutual fund (with a nominal interest rate of 5%), they'd double their money every 14 years and have a total of 2^64285714 million dollars at heat death Armageddon. However, if the treasury was continually printing $100 bills (about 2^64285727 of them by the end) to allow ESPN to cash out their savings to actual currency (which is ridiculous, but bear with me), at a point of about 5 solar masses (1 gram per bill) their combined weight would collapse Earth to a singularity. This would happen in only about 1,416 years. This is without considering that college basketball would become a much more difficult game to play as the surface gravity of Earth steadily rose under all those dollar bills. So I think it's safe to say that we should either rob ESPN or stop this whole bracket thing sooner rather than later.

The Earth would look roughly like this in 3424 A.D.
thanks to ESPN. You, as the observer, would also die
if you got this close.

Surgery hurts like I imagine that scene from American History X and that guy with his mouth on the sidewalk hurts.

Gumbercules, much love for the thoughts. I took the liberty of editing this post. For such an amazing feat of injury I just want to thank God, through him all things are possible. My actual x-ray looks like this:

I am now officially bionic with a plate and EIGHT screws holding my collarbone together. The incision for the surgery was a mere 6 inches.


The injury, of course, happened like this:


Get well soon! I have nobody to drink with.

I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG..

..but here will be the fallout after my bracket intellectually cleanses the college basketball knowledge you claim to hold:



And I'm totally going to bone that slampig as soon as she gets done talking about how sweet my bracket was. I assume churches, weekly tithing and ascendancy will come soon thereafter.

Only 3 days to go until college basketball Christmas. Or for Billy Packer, the 11 or so days where his value as a human being on this planet is supposedly justified.

BEAVER STADIUM NOW BEST AT EVERYTHING

Per The Michigan Daily, Beaver Stadium is officially the largest capacity stadium in the nation at 107, 282 people. Rejoice! And a special thank you to the unruly handicapped who made this moment possible.

Your stadium does not look like this.

Michigan Stadium will henceforth be known as "The Quite Large House" on this blog. One remaining homosexual issue was risen again:

Engineering graduate student John Nanry said he thought the Big House "might lose a bit of its personality if it's not the biggest," but added that Penn State's Beaver Stadium already felt bigger because it traps sound better than Michigan Stadium.

Mr. Nanry, like many Michigan students on this issue, is terribly misinformed. For the life of me, I cannot figure out how a bunch of kids can be so intelligent and still think that jangling keys somehow intimidates the opponent, rather than simply appearing to be the largest assembly of salvation army volunteers in history. If you would raise your goddamn voice at the game things might be different, fellas. I can't tell you how many times I've played mute beer pong at 1 am because I left my voice in the stands. Don't think it doesn't make a difference.

YES YES YES YES YES

A tip of the hat to Run Up The Score who linked coverage on ex-Steelers Coach Bill Cowher visiting Penn State last week for undisclosed reasons. The seemingly eminent Penn State head coaching vacancy is the tastiest way to view this piece of information; another rumored possibility is that his daughter is looking at PSU for college.

Either way, FUCK AND YES TO ATHLETIC DIRECTOR TIM CURLEY FOR HAVING A SLEEPOVER WITH THE CHIN. JoePa was probably fussing and pouting (and eating brains) over at his house while Tim and Bill drank Yuengling and played Mike Tyson's Punch Out! until the wee hours.


Cross that one off of the life To-Do list, Tim (still left: bring back the PSU-Pitt rivalry). While I support Paterno's subtle "Let Me Die On The Field" campaign, bringing Cowher Power to Happy Valley would completely lock down PSU's western PA recruiting. I've always felt that a unification of the state would lead to a PSU national title every 6-8 years. Plus, annexing Pittsburgh would be a huge step towards destabilizing Michigan's, and to a lesser extent Ohio State's recruiting.

In related news, a Google Search this evening of the phrase "Bill Simmons sucks" returned 834 hits. "I hate Bill Simmons" came in at about half that, at 443. While I find those totals strangely low, today I am proud to add a point to both. Here is a blog dedicated to hating him.

HILARIOUS DICTIONARY ENTRIES

Don't ask me what I was doing, but I laughed at this for several minutes. Cheers to Webster's for holding nothing back.

1 result for: poofter

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  POOGI

  pooh

  pooh bah

  pooh pooh

  Pooh-Bah

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Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English - Cite This Source - Share This

Main Entry:	poofter
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	a male homosexual; also, an emasculated male; also called poof
Example:	Stop babying him like that! You're going to turn him into a poofter!
Etymology:	1889; fr. poof
Usage:	British disparaging slang

Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English, Preview Edition (v 0.9.7)
Copyright © 2003-2008 Lexico Publishing Group, LLC


Of course the word came from France, the country that invented poofters. I also found it entertaining that the dictionary entries around "poofter" also came off just a little bit gay, as if poofter was slowly infecting the English language. Hey poohbah, you don't want to hang around that poofter too much, it might rub off on you HEYYYOOOO. Here is one of the top Google Image Search results for "poofter":

"So, did you see the new 'Poof'?"

DEAR TERRELLE PRYOR

So after writing that, I felt it would be better if I contrasted Joe's inspirational quotes on team-building and honor against a legendary coach of the batshit insane variety. Here's what Woody Hayes would email Terrelle from the grave:

Terrelle,

I have no idea how this contraption works that I am using to write this message, but then I've always said, if we learn about computers, then we're in the ballgame. Paralyze resistance with persistence, so here I am typing away. At Ohio State, our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect. Recently one of our star running backs earned a falsified insurance claim, and our Heisman QB earned $500 from a booster somehow. But when you get into the passing game, you can expect that sort of thing to happen.

As you know, I live to win. After all, without winners, there wouldn't even be any civilization. The minute I think I'm getting mellow, I'm retiring. Who ever heard of a mellow winner? That's why back in '69 I went for a two-point conversion with a 34-point lead against Michigan. The referees told me I couldn't go for three.

But any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. A man is always better than he thinks, which in your case, Terrelle, would make you Football Jesus. You seem like a hard worker, but some people change, and some people change too late, and then you have a problem. Like the one we had back home in Newcomerstown when they had to give up driver's ed in the high school because the horse died.

In closing, let me point out that there's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you. And I guarantee you, if you go to Michigan, your soul will be cleansed at least four times, and possibly more, since I am Notre Dame's best afterlife recruiter.


Sincerely,

Woody Hayes
Head Coach
The Ohio State University

I am upset that I never got to watch Woody live.

He never apologized for this. Amazing.

DEAR TERRELLE PRYOR

Fumbling through the various PSU message boards, I recently stumbled across a post detailing a recent email from the head coach of Penn State, Joe Paterno, to highly sought-after recruit/prima donna Terrelle Pryor. I thought it was worth reproducing here:

Terrelle,

I'm writing you today because I sense you are confused with respect to your future. I know personally that publicity is like poison; it doesn't hurt unless you swallow it, and that the minute you think you've got it made, disaster is just around the corner. But believe deep down in your heart that you are destined to do great things. Besides pride, loyalty, discipline, heart, and mind, confidence is the key to all the locks, and you should be confident in your final decision.

If you come to Penn State, you will have to perform at a consistently higher level than others. That's the mark of a true professional, Terrelle. You need to play with supreme confidence, or else you'll lose again and again, and then losing becomes a habit; a habit that Penn State has hopefully kicked in the past two years. But, losing a game is only heartbreaking. Losing your sense of excellence or worth is a tragedy. In other words, the will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital. Penn State will teach you how to prepare.

And remember Terrelle, it's the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back. My goal is for our team to outgrow individual performance and learn team confidence so that excellency becomes a reality. And in passing, know that success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good.


Sincerely,

Joe Paterno
Head Coach
The Pennsylvania State University

---

"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!"

I don't know about you, but I think we have a shot at this kid, even though his gray matter may not be enough to revitalize our coach.

WRITERS STRIKE AFFECTING SPORTS SCANDALS

Yesterday, a YouTube video was posted of certified legend Juan Marichal and certified asshole, possible legend Pedro Martinez releasing roosters in a cockfight in-- wait, wait, wait. I've seen this one before. This episode was new last summer. The guy got arrested, publicly apologized, got a harsh sentence from a power-hungry judge who made it look like he was coming down on celebrities. I know how the rest of this ends. Another fucking rerun.

It probably looked something like this.

GODDAMN I HOPE YOU KNOW YOU WRITERS ARE RUINING MY MID 20S. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? MY FRIENDS ARE ALL TIRED OF MY WITTY HUMOR DERIVED FROM TELEVISION SHOWS. I CAN'T IMPRESS GIRLS ANYMORE WITH FUNNY QUIPS FROM 30 ROCK OR DEEP MOMENTS FROM SCRUBS. I'M DYING HERE YOU FUCKING COCKBAGS

THE HERBSTREIT: IF YOU LIVED HERE YOU'D BE HOME NOW

River views. New kitchens. Party perfect. Ze Herbstreit. An oasis from the vile obscenity of the human condition.


View Larger Map

For only $3-4 million you can own a deeper connection to your Buckeye roots. It's Dreamboat Kirk's house! That's Kirk E. Herbstreit, aged 38 years, of Onandaga Drive in the Upper Arlington outer borough of Columbus, Ohio. For $1.95 more I could have purchased a detailed report. Isn't the Internet awesome?

GEORGIA HOUSE PASSES BILL AIDING PRODUCTION OF SOUR GRAPES

Yesterday, Georgia's House of Representatives voted 151-9 to pass a resolution that urges the NCAA to take more of an active role in the postseason competition of Division I-A football, in the form of a national playoff. This, of course has nothing to do with the fact that the Bulldogs finished 11-2 and won the Sugar Bowl against a Hawaii squad erroneously ranked in the top 25, but were not even considered for the national title.

So I'd like to say suck my balls, Georgia, which isn't easy because I don't wear the jorts that give your people such easy access to the crotch region. In no way did the 2007 version of your squad deserve any mythical title recognizing your excellence. In fact, you've a long history of posturing for titles and then being exposed on the national level. Allow me to remind you. Not even all 6 Herschel Walkers could have won that game for you.



Try not losing to a team quarterbacked by Erik Ainge next year.

WHADDYA GOT THERE, NUMBERS?: SMART PEOPLE DO NOT DEFEND THE BIG TEN

For the second January in a row, we've seen "the" Ohio State University lay an egg against premier competition, and the Big Ten take an absolute beating in bowl season. The popular media has, among other things, shoved the SEC's superior athleticism and week-in and week-out competitiveness down our throats as the rationale for what we've seen.

Unfortunately as a Penn State fan, I have to agree here. Look at the Big Ten's Sagarin rankings by conference for the last 10 years. Outside of an anomalous 2005 where Ohio State and Penn State had phenomenal years and each won BCS games, the Big Ten has been in a relative freefall since 1999 (use the central mean numbers in parentheses to draw cross-year strength comparisons):

1998: 2nd (79.83)
1999: 1st (82.79)
2000: 3rd (76.76)
2001: 5th (76.59)
2002: 5th (77.50)
2003: 3rd (77.59)
2004: 5th (75.63)
2005: 1st (80.72)
2006: 5th (74.89)
2007: 6th (74.63)

I'm avoiding doing the linear regression for now, but let me assure that it's a clear negative slope. The difference between 1999 and 2007's strength index is about 8 points, a decline of about a point per year. During that same period (smoothing over a two year period at each extreme), the delta for each conference on a half point scale:

ACC: even
Big East: +4.5 pts
Big Ten: -6.5 pts
Big 12: -2 pts
Pac-10: +3 pts
SEC: +3 pts

Fairly clearly, the past ten years have been disastrous for the B10 (and not great for the B12 -- think Nebraska). The 1999 peak represents by nearly a full point the best showing across all conferences (next closest? this year's SEC). How the mighty have fallen. There is no question that the B10 is not even close to past levels of competition at the moment. This has been great for the pack leader, OSU -- only two conference losses in the last three years has led to three consecutive BCS bowl births and two national title appearances. However, there is no question that winning out the way they did in 2001 in a conference a full two points stronger prepared them far better for the national championship, or at least suggested they were a better team.

To put this year's 74.63 rating into context, the best non-BCS conference ranking of the last ten years (excluding independents) is the MWC of 2004 which finished with a 72.08, which marginally beat out the Big East's 71.98 (thank you, Alex Smith!) This is the only instance of this happening. Holistically though, the BCS/non-BCS gap has dwindled from 8-10 points to 0-2 points over that period. Is increasing parity good for college football? We're finding out as we speak. I struggle to envision how the BCS would defend itself if the MWC began consistently fielding stronger conference competition than the B10. If current trends continue this might only be five years away, but with average Sagarin rating across all BCS conferences holding steady its more likely that the B10 is the (mostly) lone sufferer. I leave calculating the reasons for this general trend as an exercise for the reader.

To summarize rather bluntly, the Big Ten blows right now, and watching Penn State the past two falls I've felt a particularly excruciating irritation with the quality of play. The 2004 Iowa-Penn State game was probably the ugliest piece of NCAA football ever produced. The past two years have been a return to mediocrity. The end result of all of this? OSU has an excellent chance at another run to the crown next year, but if that doesn't happen there likely will only be one B10 entrant in the BCS.

IT SURE SUCKS TO BE A COWBOYS FAN

Here's a Hitler-related post for today. I'd be pretty pissed about the jersey purchase too.

SUMMER SANDERS: SHE'S A BREEDER

A regular feature on #2 Best Seller is going to be a piece called "She's A Breeder", in which we take a look at the specific females on this planet best suited for reproduction. They will be judged harshly and without compunction across categories such as beauty, physical attributes, intelligence and personality, as well as pregnancy history, genetic defects and known diseases. Any such judgment will inherently be subjective, but an effort is made to provide some basis across which to contrast different women.

Here, I present to you the quintessential breeder: Summer Sanders. Summer is a gorgeous 5'9", 35-year old television host and ex-world champion swimmer. You may remember her from such Olympics as: Barcelona, where she medaled in multiple individual and team events and won our nation's slutty, whimsical heart. She has also performed as an actress in several movies, most notably Jerry Maguire, and as a host for several ESPN series including The Sports List. She currently hosts the in-limbo television series Skating with Celebrities, Fox's inane replacement for the greatest television series of all-time, Arrested Development. I do not blame her for this tragedy. She's also wonderful with children -- here is a video of her getting slimed on Nickelodeon's Figure It Out:




Summer is married and either currently pregnant or just gave birth to her second child, which means she is not eligible to be the world's top potential breeder according to our heuristics. She will, however, serve as the measuring stick to which all potential future breeders will be held; great personality, hot as hell, world-class athlete, all-American girl and wonderful attitude towards life.

Go forth Summer, and increase the genetic integrity of our herd through your continued reproduction.

I HATE SO MUCH ABOUT THE THINGS THAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE

I'd like to kick shit off here by laying down some ground rules as to site content. My cohort (read: butt buddy) is currently in the middle of a flip cup tournament that is but a singular event in a much larger megathlon of self-destruction, so addenda are likely to follow.

#1) I consider this web page an semi-anonymous outlet for personal opinion and general animosity. Expect to be offended upon reading, regardless of your personal background, ethnicity, nationality, creed, socioeconomic status, species, fame, fashion sense, or supposed divinity. That includes you, God. I hate nobody in particular, that is to say, I like to distribute hate evenly like some cross between Magic Johnson and Adolf Hitler. Feel free to be upset with me when I push your so very delicate buttons, but you don't have to read this site and I require zero readers to vent my thoughts. I'm certain Earvin "Magic" Hitler wouldn't care either.
#2) Other writers on this site may post less objectionable content, including tits, ass, well-thought out opinions, numbers and cogent statistical analysis of sporting events. Do not listen to such nonsense. Their sweet, sweet words will turn into bitter orange wax in your ears.
#3) Don't question my grammar, vocabulary, or writing style. Words are but the base tools that allow me to project filth and debauchery. Photoshop also accomplishes this on occasion. Intelligence is optional here, but alcohol is required.
#4) Feel free to use the email link to the side as a feedback mechanism, or link dump. Just keep in mind we're not here to make friends, or even acknowledge that you exist.
#5) #2 best seller is a backhanded reference to both Primanti Brothers and to beer.