A regular feature on #2 Best Seller is going to be a piece called "She's A Breeder", in which we take a look at the specific females on this planet best suited for reproduction. They will be judged harshly and without compunction across categories such as beauty, physical attributes, intelligence and personality, as well as pregnancy history, genetic defects and known diseases. Any such judgment will inherently be subjective, but an effort is made to provide some basis across which to contrast different women.
Here, I present to you the quintessential breeder: Summer Sanders. Summer is a gorgeous 5'9", 35-year old television host and ex-world champion swimmer. You may remember her from such Olympics as: Barcelona, where she medaled in multiple individual and team events and won our nation's slutty, whimsical heart. She has also performed as an actress in several movies, most notably Jerry Maguire, and as a host for several ESPN series including The Sports List. She currently hosts the in-limbo television series Skating with Celebrities, Fox's inane replacement for the greatest television series of all-time, Arrested Development. I do not blame her for this tragedy. She's also wonderful with children -- here is a video of her getting slimed on Nickelodeon's Figure It Out:
Summer is married and either currently pregnant or just gave birth to her second child, which means she is not eligible to be the world's top potential breeder according to our heuristics. She will, however, serve as the measuring stick to which all potential future breeders will be held; great personality, hot as hell, world-class athlete, all-American girl and wonderful attitude towards life.
Go forth Summer, and increase the genetic integrity of our herd through your continued reproduction.
1 comment:
You forgot to mention that she went to Stanford for undergrad....
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