Perspective

Samuel Wanjiru is arguable the greatest young long-distance runner ever. By age 18 he had set the world-record in the half-marathon and has since re-established the world-record twice (for a time the great Haile Gebreselaisse held the record). He has run a half-marathon in 58 minutes and 33 seconds--that's a 4:28 mile more than 13 consecutive times--faster than anyone in history and he did so at 20 years of age. Now 21, he competed in and won a marathon race held last weekend at which the winner was awarded $300,000!!! There has never been more money given to the winner of a single race. His response when asked what he intended to do with the money: buy his mother a tractor. That's right, for his single mother who has done so much for him and owns a few acres of farmland he will help repay this debt and buy her a tractor and hire someone to drive it. I don't know the conversion of $300,000 to the Kenyan currency--I'm not familiar with the metric system or any other foreign language, but that sounds like a lot. There are people in this world that have totally different ideas of what wealth means and the first thing that comes to mind when they think of what wealth can get you. It's interesting to think about.

HILARIOUS DICTIONARY ENTRIES

Don't ask me what I was doing, but I laughed at this for several minutes. Cheers to Webster's for holding nothing back.

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Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English - Cite This Source - Share This

Main Entry:	poofter
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	a male homosexual; also, an emasculated male; also called poof
Example:	Stop babying him like that! You're going to turn him into a poofter!
Etymology:	1889; fr. poof
Usage:	British disparaging slang

Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English, Preview Edition (v 0.9.7)
Copyright © 2003-2008 Lexico Publishing Group, LLC


Of course the word came from France, the country that invented poofters. I also found it entertaining that the dictionary entries around "poofter" also came off just a little bit gay, as if poofter was slowly infecting the English language. Hey poohbah, you don't want to hang around that poofter too much, it might rub off on you HEYYYOOOO. Here is one of the top Google Image Search results for "poofter":

"So, did you see the new 'Poof'?"

Lloyd released by Redskins: Dan Synder proves up to task of overpaying for underachievers, yet again!

There's a reason why I had to use a photo of
him making a catch with San Francisco.

The Redskins released Brandon Lloyd after two years of such unparalleled lack of productivity coupled with amazing financial reward. During this two year stint with the Redskins he earned ~$11 million between a signing bonus and salary. Let's get a breakdown of just how much the Redskins paid for his productivity:

-25 games "played": $440,000.00 per game

-14 games in which he actually caught a pass: $785,714.29 per game where he actually did something

-23 catches (total, over two season): $478,260.87 per catch

-379 yards receiving: $29,023.75 per yard receiving

He was able to earn all this money from a team where he was still able to do things such as:
1) Blow up at the WRs coach during OTAs--it's OTAs, easy buddy.

2) Throw his helmet on the sideline during a game--okay, I
am inclined to think this happens often, but he must have thrown it at Joe Gibbs' wife or something because he was able to get himself benched for the game that followed and from then on lost his starting position.

3) Wouldn't learn certain receiver routes and expressed his discontent with being asked to run certain routes--Mr. Lloyd, you get to "play" football for a living. I would gnaw off a finger for the abilities you have and the chance that affords to play in the NFL. Perspective.

Lloyd is probably a nice guy and if karma is the bitch she claims to be then he'll go to Philly and catch 15 TDs next season. Either way, Brandon Lloyd got a nice bit of sweet cash for doing basically nothing for two years.

Wally Szczerbiak Traded to Cavs, Vows to Show LeBron How to Use Concealer Properly

Looking good, you handsome motherfucker.

In what will likely be the biggest trade in the Eastern Conference this year, Cleveland GM Danny Ferry decided to clean up his own mess and trade away his own awful signings for some other overpaid, past their prime players. A quick look:

Cavs send:

• Drew Gooden (decent player, poor hair growth skills)
• Larry Hughes (bad at everything, should play for the Knicks)
• Ira Newble (chunky hustle player)
• Shannon Brown (impressionable youngster)
• Cedric Simmons (has taken 6 shots this year, missed all 8 free throw attempts)

Cavs receive:

• Ben Wallace (past his prime, offensively challenged big man; can finally wear headbands)
• Wally Szczerbiak (handsome motherfucker, top 5 worst NBA All-Star of all time)
• Joe Smith (worst player ever to cost a team 4 1st round draft picks)
• Delonte West (possible mutant, decent guard)
  In his spare time, Delonte enjoys guarding bridges and spinning straw into gold.
  

I'd throw in an analysis of what the other teams got, but it's clear that the Cavs took advantage of a straight-up salary team on both teams. And by took advantage of, I really mean "gave Lebron a chance of winning 1 Finals game against the Spurs instead of 0." While these players are an upgrade over what the team currently has, the Cavs are still locked into mediocrity as Ferry has settled for the best of what's left. A move at any time, pre or post Gasol with the Grizzlies would have made much more sense.

Despite that, the trade is a winning situation for Cleveland. The Cavs traded a starter and an oft-injured, overpaid rotation guy for 3 potential starters. There is always the possibility that Wallace gets rejuvenated in a new city (with the added bonus of no longer having to stifle the urge to strangle Joakim Noah) and that Szczerbiak continues to play at a high level (13 ppg, .428 3-pt shooting in just 23 mpg) throughout the season and the playoffs. I mean, he can't be any worse than Larry Hughes (37% shooting overall, 2 turnovers per game), and the only legit player they gave up was Drew Gooden.

Sczcerbiak will also fill a key role for the Cavs by entertaining James with stories of all the chicks he totally banged at Miami of Ohio, thereby providing James with valuable secondhand college experience. It's Ferry's hope that the two become roommates, and that their awkward and often hilarious interactions will help ease the blow of getting swept by the Celtics in the Conference semi-finals. Also starring Bronson Pinchot as Zydrunas Ilgauksas.

This is what body odor looks like.

Which Crappy Free Agent Will Hit the Pirates Jackpot This Year?

Take a good, long look, coach.

Are you a major league baseball player who is clearly on the decline? Were you cut by the Kansas City Royals last year but hate life without sports so much that you refuse to give up? Are bad knees keeping you from reaching even the easiest fly balls? Declining vision causing you to rack up strikeout after strikeout at the plate? Do you love fat women and cheap beer? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations! You've got what it takes to play for the Pittsburgh Pirates in 2008!

Benito Santiago, Jeromy Burnitz, Joe Randa, Chris Stynes, Raul Mondesi, Kenny Lofton, Reggie Sanders. In 1998, this wouldn't even a playoff team. Between 2002-2007 they were "veteran leadership" on one year contracts with the Pittsburgh Pirates. These players were either seat warmers for prospects that never arrived (i.e. Tike Redman and Chris Duffy) or at very least trade bait to bring back some AA prospects from teams that actually contended.

It's not your fault, Lloyd. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

While some bounced back and prolonged their careers, others essentially made PNC Park their graveyard. Many a mediocre veteran has ended their career with a whimper in the Steel City. So far the Pirates have already signed #2BestSeller favorite and Devil Rays castaway Casey Fossum and 36 year old Chris Gomez.

Here are the rest of 2008's candidates:

Doug Mientkiewicz - In the span during which this article went from "draft" to "posted," the Pirates signed Mientkiewicz to a minor league contract. Here we have a player so nondescript that his only recognizable nickname, "eye-chart" comes from his unspellable last name. Look at that tubby bastard. He'll fit right in with the Pirates, having only hit 20 home runs over the past 3 seasons; A starting infield of Doug, Sanchez, Wilson, and Bautista would have a legit shot of hitting 40 combined dingers. However, since the Pirates love Yankee castaways (Matt Lawton, Shawn Chacon, Andy Phillips) so much, expect eye-chart to be anchoring 1st base by Opening Day.

Odds of being signed: 6 to 5


Preston Wilson: He's got a horrible injury history, was just released by the Cardinals, and he had his best seasons at Coors Field. I can't figure out if this guy is a trainwreck or a perfect candidate for the Pirates rehab program. His career has basically fallen off a cliff since 2005 - it's time for John Russell to turn him into a legit 10 HR, 36 RBI, .266 avg threat.

Odds: 5 to 1


Damian Miller - The poor man's Benito Santiago. Miller was a scab player during the 1994 baseball strike, and as a result isn't a part of the player's union. Because of this we'll have to use some fake-named54 overall player in dynasty mode of MLB 2008. Of course, with Ryan Doumit's body being made completely out of papier-mache, and Ronny Paulino remembering that he sucks in 2007, there's a definite need for a veteran catcher. I like Miller's odds.

Odds: 5 to 1.


Ryan Klesko - Major injury? Check. Let go by a terrible team (the Giants)? Check. Lack of power? Check. However, after the Eye-Chart signing, there may be little room for a 5th terrible veteran as a corner infielder. However, Pittsburgh's hunting scene may be able to entice the avid sportsman, as herds of water buffalo are spotted in Southside every night.

As a final note, I don't know much about Ryan Klesko.

Odds: 10 to 1


Trot Nixon: Since his days in Boston, Trot's been the ultimate clubhouse guy. Also since those days he's devolved from a potential 30-homer guy to one that hit 3 last year with the Indians. Good locker room presence? Declining hitter? Lost defensively? Sounds a lot like our signee from two years back, Sean Casey! He's also completely incapable of hitting lefties anymore, batting just .224 against them. A platoon of him and Xavier Nady in left field would be an insult to the military community.

Odds: 20 to 1


Shawn Green - Another power hitting corner outfielder who's been moving from team to team once his career started to decline. Seeing a trend here? The Mets bought out the final year of his contract, making him a free agent for 2008. Unfortunately, he's said that he prefers playing on the west coast, which is in almost every way a polar opposite of Pittsburgh.

Odds: 35 to 1


Tony Batista/Russell Branyan: Oh, please yes. Nothing would make me happier than to see Batista's crazy swing grounding into double plays and occasionally swatting a ball into the Allegheny. Same with Branyan's ability to strike out 100 times in a season as a pinch hitter. Hell, if they gave Jeromy Burnitz a shot, how could this go any worse?

Odds: 80 to 1


Sandy Alomar Jr.: Only because he's been following Benito Santiago his whole life. Yes, I understand that he's a coach now, but I think he'd be back if we let him wear 09.

Odds: 100 to 1


Henry Rowengartner: Sure, the kid's been out of the league since 1993, but at the ripe age of 27 I'm going to assume that he can still light it up. He led the Cubs to the NL Central pennant behind his and Gary Busey's dominant pitching, and somehow willed the rest of his team (including the janitor from Scrubs playing first) to the Cubs first World Series victory of the modern era. Hell, that's gotta be worth something, right?

(Also, check out this awesome and overly long recap from wikipedia. EEEYAH!)

Odds: 200 to 1

On a final note, from si.com's Spring Training previews:

This is a major rebuilding project; in fact, the biggest concern for Huntington will be if the Pirates start 28-24 or something, which they could do based on a strong bullpen and good top two starters. The last thing he needs is pressure to contend in 2008.

Yes, God forbid they contend. Everyone knows at this point that if the Pirates are over .500 after the All-Star break, the armies of hell will swarm the Earth. Only one man can stop them. Constantine.

Starring Dave Littlefield.

Roy Williams and Coach K no longer BFF

Coach K - Slamboree 2008. It is on.

It appears Roy Williams took umbrage over remarks made by Coach K (I already spelled Mientkewicz, that's enough for today) regarding injury reports. This all started after media asked Duke about player injuries, to which K replied that it was against team policy to report on this...

"unlike other teams."

(presumably followed by media going "oohhhhh shit, it's on now!"

Roy Williams did not approve.

It's not like I'm getting a dadgum plane and flying it around to say, 'Roy fell against a wall and banged his nose' or anything, Williams said in a news conference (through sniffles and heavy breathing that disguised apparent tears). We have to do those things [talk about injuries] and everybody's hurt. But there's different stages of being hurt.

Wait a minute? Roy fell against a wall? Roy, you're only 57; my grandmother is considerably older than that, has a job that requires no physical activity and even she's still got her motor skills. On the same note though, I doubt she could handle the physical responsibility of feeding Tyler Hansborough a live goat every 6 hours.

If you're hurt and missing games, that's not exactly like having a hangnail. And so we do have some people that are getting hurt and missing games. I don't think that somebody should say we're putting it in front of the public.

Sniffle, sniffle, Roy. Who the hell cares? Aside from a loss to Duke this season, you've had the upper hand on them for a few years now. Besides, everyone knows that when you get served you don't dance back - and now it's on.


You know who wouldn't care about this shit? Pat Summitt. For future reference, she's a breeder; power is sexy.

Lose the colors and we'll talk, sweetheart.

Yarrrr, Not a Looker in the Bunch.

Where the hell do we even begin?

#2's Wide World of Sports

We here at #2 best seller are all about sports (well, making ourselves feel better by putting down other people more athletic than us is a pretty good reason to get up in the morning, too). We're all about all kinds of sports. Recently the Tour de California began (that's cycling people) and if I were a betting man I would say the surprise unveiling of Aerotrike racing may be just what cycling needs to kick start it's popularity.

Hijacking the Tour de California race course.

Aluminum Gold: Volume Three - Regional Beers

Iron City - Ah, a taste of Pittsburgh. They’ve even put it in aluminum bottles to make it more authentic. Just like the city, it peaked in the 1970s, but still can entice naive college students with its aesthetic qualities. It carries on a rich tradition of being unable to let go of the past. Unlike Pittsburgh, it tastes a lot like carbonated butter. The perfect beer for watching a 10-1 Pirates loss.

Rating: Defeated.

Genesee Cream Ale - A product of the Genesee River in upstate New York, Genesee Cream Ale is a direct effect of what pollution has done to America’s waterways. Evidently, cream is one of those words that have different meanings in different places because I could have sworn that I tasted soap, but no sign of anything "creamy".

Rating: Mislabeled.

Sam Adams Light - What a time to live in Boston. They come out with Sam Adams Light, and then immediately the Red Sox and Patriots start bringing home titles. They produce a new Summer Ale and Kevin Garnett gets traded to the Celtics. In fact, rumor has is that the Patriots Super Bowl XLII loss is directly related to the failure of a Sam Adams raspberry hefeweizen beer that was labeled "even too gay for New England." Maybe if they come out with a low-carb beer alternative Dispatch will get back together. Then what will those assholes have to complain about? Huh?

Rating: Pretentious.

Old Style - The official beer of the Chicago Cubs. See Iron City.

Rating: Historically defeated.












Sierra Nevada Pale Ale - About as regional nowadays as Sam Adams, this is just a fucking mean, bitter IPA. This is the beer you drink and then lie about how good it tastes through locked teeth to look cool in front of your friends. "Sierra Nevada? I put that shit on my corn flakes, bro!" Of course, the bottle design is cool and it's available for relatively cheap almost anywhere, so both yuppies and hipsters alike can enjoy it. Congratulations Sierra Nevada, you're the new Michelob!

Rating: Pass me another Sierra, bro, I'm too drunk ride my bike to the hookah bar.

Vanderbilt 93. Kentucky 52

Ramel Bradley Guns Up Another 3 in Garbage Time.
Isiah Thomas Just Fell in Love.

I don't really have anything to add to this, other than the fact that Vanderbilt, 5 minutes into the 2nd half, was up 55-14. That's a score more fitting for a Broncos-49ers Super Bowl than one of the greatest college basketball teams of all time. That said, there's nothing like seeing Ashley Judd cry in person. It's like someone drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa. Also outstanding was seeing Patrick Patterson almost murder someone after drawing his 4th foul. He looks like he played with matches a lot as a kid.



While Alex Gordon only put up 2 shots, the one he made was a no-look fade away three with a hand in his face to put Vandy up by 35. You can't underestimate the importance of Alex Fucking Gordon. He's the A-Rod of SEC basketball.

"Sucks to be you. R-O-T-F-L-M-A-O!"

I wanted to write something funny about Devean George being the one to nix the Jason Kidd to Dallas trade, but then I came across this and realized it had been done well enough that any further contribution would just detract from this hilariousness.

Read this...fucking hilarious

DEAR TERRELLE PRYOR

So after writing that, I felt it would be better if I contrasted Joe's inspirational quotes on team-building and honor against a legendary coach of the batshit insane variety. Here's what Woody Hayes would email Terrelle from the grave:

Terrelle,

I have no idea how this contraption works that I am using to write this message, but then I've always said, if we learn about computers, then we're in the ballgame. Paralyze resistance with persistence, so here I am typing away. At Ohio State, our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect. Recently one of our star running backs earned a falsified insurance claim, and our Heisman QB earned $500 from a booster somehow. But when you get into the passing game, you can expect that sort of thing to happen.

As you know, I live to win. After all, without winners, there wouldn't even be any civilization. The minute I think I'm getting mellow, I'm retiring. Who ever heard of a mellow winner? That's why back in '69 I went for a two-point conversion with a 34-point lead against Michigan. The referees told me I couldn't go for three.

But any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. A man is always better than he thinks, which in your case, Terrelle, would make you Football Jesus. You seem like a hard worker, but some people change, and some people change too late, and then you have a problem. Like the one we had back home in Newcomerstown when they had to give up driver's ed in the high school because the horse died.

In closing, let me point out that there's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you. And I guarantee you, if you go to Michigan, your soul will be cleansed at least four times, and possibly more, since I am Notre Dame's best afterlife recruiter.


Sincerely,

Woody Hayes
Head Coach
The Ohio State University

I am upset that I never got to watch Woody live.

He never apologized for this. Amazing.

DEAR TERRELLE PRYOR

Fumbling through the various PSU message boards, I recently stumbled across a post detailing a recent email from the head coach of Penn State, Joe Paterno, to highly sought-after recruit/prima donna Terrelle Pryor. I thought it was worth reproducing here:

Terrelle,

I'm writing you today because I sense you are confused with respect to your future. I know personally that publicity is like poison; it doesn't hurt unless you swallow it, and that the minute you think you've got it made, disaster is just around the corner. But believe deep down in your heart that you are destined to do great things. Besides pride, loyalty, discipline, heart, and mind, confidence is the key to all the locks, and you should be confident in your final decision.

If you come to Penn State, you will have to perform at a consistently higher level than others. That's the mark of a true professional, Terrelle. You need to play with supreme confidence, or else you'll lose again and again, and then losing becomes a habit; a habit that Penn State has hopefully kicked in the past two years. But, losing a game is only heartbreaking. Losing your sense of excellence or worth is a tragedy. In other words, the will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital. Penn State will teach you how to prepare.

And remember Terrelle, it's the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back. My goal is for our team to outgrow individual performance and learn team confidence so that excellency becomes a reality. And in passing, know that success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good.


Sincerely,

Joe Paterno
Head Coach
The Pennsylvania State University

---

"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!"

I don't know about you, but I think we have a shot at this kid, even though his gray matter may not be enough to revitalize our coach.

Kelvin Sampson: You're a Giant Bag of Douche

Kelvin Sampson has not only been associated with NCAA violations at his new home, Indiana University, but has also lied about his infractions. What are you good for if you can't keep your nose clean after leaving an institution at which you committed NCAA violations and then lied about doing things you were specifically told you could not do because of previous NCAA violations? Read either account below for details, but they are simple things like participating in three-way conference phone calls with recruits and being present when an assistant coach makes a phone call to a recruit when he was explicitly not allowed to do so as part of his punishment. Someone please get this guy out of college basketball.

ESPN account

Washington Post article

Ref screws the pooch with last second foul in G'town-Villanova game

Last night the 8th ranked G'town Hoyas eeked out a win against the unranked Villanova Wildcats 55-53. This leaves the Hoyas (20-3, 10-2) tied with Notre Dame (WTF?!) in the loss column of Big East play. Additionally, it removed any chance for 'Nova to get a much needed win as they currently are tied for the 12th and final tourney spot in the Big East--sidenote: the fact that not every team goes to the tournament is retarded. Thankfully, someone realized this and it will change next season with all 16 teams making post-season play.

As much as I am a G'town fan, been one since when they still used fruit baskets for hoops--yeah, I'm old, Villanova got jobbed last night. 53-53 with a few seconds left in an exciting, but super ugly Big East prototypical game and G'town plays great defense on the Wildcats holding for the last shot. Jonathan Wallance, G'town senior guard who got into their law school--ranked top 10 in the nation, picked up the loose ball and headed up sideline. With a bit of contact the ref blew the whistle, which being in the double bonus meant two free throws, with 0.1 seconds left. Wallace, a career better than 80% FT shooter nails both and the game is over.

It sucks the ref decided the game on a ticky-tacky foul when for the most part of the game they allowed a good bit of contact. The game was physical, but the last second foul was certainly not necessary. The only logical defense I can provide for the ref is Wallace steps on the sideline after the contact, something which the ref could absolutely see given his perspective. My notion is the ref called the foul because if he doesn't he felt he had to call the out-of-bounds even though Wallace going out of bounds was absolutely because of the defensive contact. It's shitty and the ref should have let the play go and the clock expire. Though the ref who made the foul call cannot be expected to know this, the Villanova guy who had the ball immediately before Wallace scooped up the loose ball definitely stepped on the end line. You make that call and it's G'town ball with 5 secs left and they can start from half-court. Maybe they hit a game winner there, maybe not. You never want to see a close game get decided on a call like that. Tough break for the Wildcats.

People We Love: Georges Laraque

"You want to do it? Square up? Ok. Good luck man."



Laraque is currently the NHL's best enforcer, playing most games simply to protect Sidney Crosby and fight random foreigners. While he's a decent player who can score as well (22 points in 2007), his clear strength is protecting the Penguins' young stars. And he's damn good at it too. According to hockeyfights.com (evidently the leading source for hockey fight win/loss percentages, likely also the only source), he's undefeated since 2005, going 27-0-2.

However, while Laraque is a competent player and consummate gentleman on the ice, he lacks the one quality that makes an enforcer truly great; batshit insanity.

Bob Probert had it - punching Tom Barasso's facemask off before attacking a player who was being held stomach down on the ice by a referee.


Tie Domi definitely had it - fighting a fan that fell into the penalty box after repeatedly taunting him:


Laraque? Well he's not quite there. Yet.

Sliced Throat Makes Hockey Relevant Again

Just like Jack the Ripper shed light upon the working girls of London, a story of slit throats is bringing the NHL into the spotlight (si.com's top story!)

Skating to the bench while losing pints of blood? The only way that this could have been more badass is if he fought a bear on the way.

Florida Panthers forward Richard Zednik is in stable condition today after a freak injury that gashed open his throat. Zednik was injured when he was clipped by the skate of upended teammate Olli Jokinen. Fortunately, the skate only sliced the carotid artery and not the jugular, somehow giving him the ability to skate back to his bench and stave off death. If there's anything I've learn from Lost, it's that eastern Europeans are basically invincible, and this just proves that point.

Did somebody kill a badger on the ice?

It took crews 15 minutes to scrape all the blood off the ice, no doubt giving the young children in attendance fodder for their nightmares for years to come. A foolproof way to turn your kids off sports in their developing stages is to show them a live event where a player nearly bleeds to death in the middle of it. Last night, Buffalo saw the birth of a thousand new Magic: The Gathering players. And even that may not be safe enough.

Well Zednik, that's what you get for playing hockey for a warm-weather city. If this game was in Florida you would have had to have prayed that one of the hundred or so fans in attendance was a doctor.

People You Should Know More About: "Smokey Joe" Williams

Joe Williams is probably one of the greatest pitchers of all-time. When you hear a statement like that you might anticipate career statistics supporting his excellence. This, however, is difficult because of poor record keeping of many black baseball games. It's just the way it is. Realistically, the best information we can gather is from individual performances considered in the broader context of what that performance meant and personal recollections. Joe Williams was a black ballplayer born in 1885/1886 in Texas. He was a big guy, 6'4", 240 lbs, the kind of guy who these days would probably end up playing football. He went by two nicknames, either "Smokey Joe" or "Cyclone Joe" Williams.

His greatest likeness in white baseball at the time was probably Walter Johnson. Exhibition games between black teams and white major league teams were not uncommon in the early 20th century--the gates revenues from games like this were appealing to both parties, neither of whom found financial security through baseball like we see today. Williams and Johnson once matched up in a game wherein they played to a 1-0 final score. It's unclear who won but from my readings I think it was Johnson. Even so, what a game it must have been to see two of the greatest fastball pitchers of all-time go at it.

Among the more gaudy numbers he produced was a single game in 1930 against the Negro League Kansas City Monarchs. In a game that lasted 12 innings Johnson struck out 27 batters! That's right, among a possible 36 outs he recorded 27 of them by himself. He is certainly to be considered a peer of the great Satchel Paige, possibly better. You hear less about Williams and more about Paige because Satchel eventually displayed his skills in front of the entire nation within MLB, winning the Rookie of the Year at the ripe age of 42. Still, Williams must have been a sight to see and, like Paige, pitched effectively well into his 40s. Around 40 years old he pitched successive shutouts against a team of white major league all-stars including the great Jimmie Foxx.

Ty Cobb, tagged a racist but that's another story, once flatly stated Smokey Joe Williams would have easily been a 30-game winner in the major leagues had he been given the opportunity. Williams' scalps claimed in exhibition play against major league competition include HoF pitcher Grover Cleveland Alexander. In 1912 Williams shutout the major league New York Giants--who represented the NL in the previous World Series. He reproduced this feat in 1916 when shutting out the Philadelphia Phillies and Alexander, 1-0--the defending NL champs.

Williams remains, and almost certainly shall remain, an elusive figure due to lack of written documentation of both his baseball accolades and personal history. Still, what can be gathered indicates Smokey Joe Williams was an incredible ballplayer, very much deserving of a place in the minds of those who enjoy baseball history.

WRITERS STRIKE AFFECTING SPORTS SCANDALS

Yesterday, a YouTube video was posted of certified legend Juan Marichal and certified asshole, possible legend Pedro Martinez releasing roosters in a cockfight in-- wait, wait, wait. I've seen this one before. This episode was new last summer. The guy got arrested, publicly apologized, got a harsh sentence from a power-hungry judge who made it look like he was coming down on celebrities. I know how the rest of this ends. Another fucking rerun.

It probably looked something like this.

GODDAMN I HOPE YOU KNOW YOU WRITERS ARE RUINING MY MID 20S. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? MY FRIENDS ARE ALL TIRED OF MY WITTY HUMOR DERIVED FROM TELEVISION SHOWS. I CAN'T IMPRESS GIRLS ANYMORE WITH FUNNY QUIPS FROM 30 ROCK OR DEEP MOMENTS FROM SCRUBS. I'M DYING HERE YOU FUCKING COCKBAGS

Suns to Fans: Fuck You.

I have no words. If someone can come up with a caption that accurately describes this, then by all means, add it.

Pending a physical, which Suns fans are praying Shaq fails, the Suns are reportedly intent on shipping all-star Shawn Marion and idiot point guard Marcus Banks to the Heat in exchange for Shaquille O'Neal.

That's the Suns, the up-tempo team that has changed the way that teams play in the West pushing the running game and scoring loads of points, trading for a 35 year old, hobbled, 350 pound center who also starred in Kazaam.

The Suns, who have been so desperate to shed salary that they've essentially given away their first round draft picks over the last few years, trading for someone who'll be making $20 million per until 2010.

The Suns, who already have two strong players capable of starting at center (Amare Stoudamire, Boris Diaw), trading for a player whose scoring numbers have dropped by 13 ppg in the past 5 years while giving up a four time all-star who averages a double-double over his career and is currently in his prime (28 years old).

The Suns, who have the best record in the west and were arguably a Robert Horry foul away from making the NBA Finals last year, are making a trade to make them slower and bog down their payroll.

Maybe they know something I don't. Maybe Shaq is just biding his time, waiting to get traded to turn it on; hell, he hasn't been in shape during the regular season for years now. Maybe Marion really is a team cancer and Shaq's locker room presence will unite the Suns and give them the boost they need to top the Spurs.

Or maybe general manager Steve Kerr is just an idiot. Anyone who's read his old columns on Yahoo! already knows that he's functionally retarded, so why not throw a bunch of shit together like this was NBA Live '03 and see if it works? It's not like anything else for the Suns makes all that much sense.

Nickname: Suns. Mascot: Gorilla. A logical progression.

Nevada High School Standards Under Scrutiny After Student Behaves Like A Moron on National Signing Day

In a gymnasium filled with eager yokel townies from Not Las Vegas, NV, a high school football player from Nevada accepted a scholarship to play football for Cal-Berkley, deciding against U. of Oregon. It was later learned he did not have offers from either of these schools and in fact was not offered scholarships to any D-I schools he claimed to have been considering. It sounds like he may have been duped by someone posing as a recruiter. It may also be the case he accepted money from this person--God knows why--and allegedly repaid him in excess--again, WTF? At the signing ceremony he talked about interacting with Cal head coach Jeff Tedford and how that personal communication was influential in his decision.

Huh?

Okay, we have now officially gone from a plausibly honest case of getting fooled, albeit pretty badly, to this kid flat out lying. Because this kid is still in high school and high schoolers are by definition morons I am inclined to cut him some slack. I hope he comes out and says, "Ha! I fooled all you fuckers!" This would be a good counter to the general stupidity that is "National Signing Day". I am all for a bumblefuck town embracing their first D-I football product since that would eclipse their previously greatest event in town history--the installation of their one and only stop light. Be proud of where you come from and who comes from your town. But this national attention paid to 17 and 18 yr olds deciding where they are going to play college football seems a bit much, no? On some level this reminds me of the twistedness of adolescent beauty pageants.

Still, this is a pretty funny story. How the fuck did the head coach for this kid not realize something wasn't right?

NCAA Lost Power Rankings

Gimmick sports rankings; real original.

At the halfway point of the season, we've decided to compare college basketball to the biggest current event in America right now; the return of Lost. Power rankings are our own and completely arbitrary, so please don't question them.


1. Memphis - Kate - Yeah, they're a sexy choice right now, but does anyone think that they can actually do anything in the crunch time? Kate, while a major player in island politics early on was mostly worthless in escape attempts from the Others and the trek to the radio tower.

2. Duke - Locke - Coach K has a connection to college basketball unlike any other current coach, and has the uncanny ability to make marginally talented white kids the most hated figures in college sports. Locke has some weird communion with the island and was able to turn Boone from an interesting character to his own personal slave (until he inadvertently killed him). Bonus that most people hate both Duke and Locke.

3. North Carolina - Jack - Though they stumble at times, Roy Williams' time-tested coaching and utilization of talent shines through in tough ACC and NCAA tournament play. They are the man of science against Duke's man of faith - Locke.

4. UCLA - Sayid - A dangerous combination of talent and experience. Love, Collison, and Mbah a Moute can grind teams into submission, as seen in wins over Michigan State, Stanford, and Washington State. Like the former torturer Sayid, they're able to overwhelm you on several fronts and break a team down as the game wears on.

5. Kansas - Sawyer - Impressive at times. Always a little shady. And in the end, everyone knows that they're gonna mess up. Kansas's NCAA tournament woes have been well documented in the past.

6. Tennessee - Ben Linus - A threatening figure although not physically imposing. The Vols have no one key player (especially this year with Chris Lofton in a slump), but strike fear into the hearts of other SEC teams. Bruce Pearl is a great coach who is outstanding at understanding other teams' weaknesses and exploiting them; just like the leader of The Others.

7. Georgetown - Mikhail - Powerful, and seemingly unkillable. While they have their weaknesses, their overall strengths will keep them bouncing back against weaker teams and making them pay for not completely destroying them.

8. Stanford - Desmond - I don't think anyone really knows what to make of Stanford right now. While they look like a big contender, there's something a bit off with them. They could run the table from here through the Pac 10 tournament, or they could drop games to teams like Siena and Oregon again. That said, it's entirely possible that they're the ones who could emerge from nowhere to cut down the nets in April, just like Desmond came out of a hatch to bring potential rescue from his rich girlfriend.

Xavier vs. Georgetown, artist's rendition.

9. Xavier - Jin - While not on the same page as everyone else, this team has made itself a major player despite being a part of the Atlantic 10. Though not destined for a starring role, a Sweet Sixteen trip will legitimize it's place on the island, and the A-10's place in college hoops.

10./11. Wisconsin/Michigan State - Sun - Pretty choices out of the Big Ten. However, conference play there is similar to Jin's actions on the island; nothing really happens. Though each team may inadvertently make some noise (i.e. accidentally murder one of the others, beat Texas), their relatively weak conference play will hinder them come tourney-time.

12. Butler - Charlie - Annoying and very, very white, Butler won't seem to go away. After last year's crashing of the top 25, they've gotten even stronger this year. Same with Charlie, who seemed to have no future on the island in the first season and did little but slow down the storyline until eventually meeting his destiny by turning off The Others' signal jamming equipment.

13. Indiana - Danielle Rousseau - An old favorite, fading in and out of episodes/college seasons only to appear again as a dangerous tertiary character, waiting to trap other big name teams. Indiana's got talent, and if they can find some consistency will make a big impact come tournament time.

14. Texas - Alex Rousseau - A team too young to make make of an impact this year. Texas has just one senior and two upperclassmen in their rotation. Alex, on the other hand, is only 16 and has just arrived in the survivors' camp. They're both primed to play major roles given a little more time and seasoning.

15. Marquette - Tom (Mr. Friendly) - Seemingly powerful, but shrouded with confusion. Who knows what they'll produce late in the season. They do their job adequately but rarely produce outside of what's expected of them (wins against a weak non-conference schedule, losses against high RPI teams like Duke, Wisconsin, Louisville, West Virginia).

16. Washington State - Mr. Eko - Like Eko, came out of nowhere last year to kick some ass, only to crumble in the NCAA tournament. This year they're starting strong again, knocking around teams like Arizona State with their womping/scripture stick. However, by the end of the year will they find religion again and play like lambs in the tournament?

17/18. Drake/Saint Mary's- Nikki/Paulo - Does anyone know who any of these teams are? Odds are they'll be buried alive by the 2nd round of the NCAAs.

19. Florida - Richard Alpert - Quietly lurking in the background, this ageless Other has been ignored on countless occasions by Ben, despite his clear connection to the island. Florida, on the other hand, had been largely ignored by the polls but could be the ones that swing the balance of power in the SEC.

20. Pitt - Hurley - Always a nice story, but in the end if they do anything positive we'll all be shocked. As a bonus, Hurley and Aaron Gray weigh the same. However, just like Hurley seems to be a big player in the future, Pitt could become a legit threat once their injured stars (Levance Fields and Mike Cook) come back healthy.

21. Vanderbilt - Michael - At the end of season 2, Michael left the island. At the end of non-conference play, Shan Foster and A.J. Ogilvy disappeared. Though all will probably return, it will be tough to take either of them seriously given the exposure to their weaknesses (in Vandy's case, turnovers and streaky shooting).

Aluminum Gold: Volume Two - Malt Liquors

Laser - In the world of malt liquors, you should generally stay away from anything that doesn’t reference some kind of fierce animal. However, the can’s design alone sets this above every other malt. One sip was like taking a bullet train back to the 80s, fueled by pure testosterone. After two 40s I remembered all the lyrics to "Two Tickets to Paradise" and "Take Me Home Tonight." It was nice.

Rating: Eddie Money.

King Cobra - Possibly the fiercest of all malt liquor logos, I was shocked to find that there is actually very little cobra in the drink itself. Instead it sports an overwhelmingly metallic taste for a 40, similar to say, licking the inside of a VCR. When robots finally control earth, this will be their beverage of choice.

Rating: Aluminum-y.

Olde English High Gravity 800 - Drinking this beer is like finding a sexually aggressive girlfriend. Even if you can handle it, it's best enjoyed out of the public eye so that you aren't labeled a freak. If you can't, you’ll find yourself curled into a ball in the corner of your shower, weeping uncontrollably. Either way, you’ll wake up the next morning questioning your manhood.

Rating: Say my name, bitch!

Colt 45 - The Mike Tyson of beers. Sure, you can laugh at it, but if you don't take it seriously you’re going to get knocked around pretty badly. It goes down smooth, but once it hits your stomach it starts rearranging shit and sucker punching your kidneys. You know who wins when you drink this? No one. What the hell was Billy Dee Williams talking about anyway?

Rating: Abominable.

St. Ide’s High Gravity - Though the name reflects poorly on it, the stylized drawing of a pit bull chewing on a can more than legitimatized this malt liquor for me. It’s got a surprisingly creamy flavor that forces its way down your throat. The can also puts its 8.2% alcohol content right on the label, so you can better understand why you just punched your girlfriend/boyfriend after four pounders.

Rating: Instigating.

Pirates Ink Freddy Sanchez to Extension, Guarantee a Slump Year

Three more years of Pittsburgh women, handsome.

Finally, some news from a team that never disappoints me (namely by never having expectations greater than finishing 5th in their division). The Pirates signed club-footed infielder Freddy Sanchez to a 2 year extension with $11 million guaranteed; if Sanchez hits a proper number of plate appearances in 2009 (doubtful), he'll be locked in to an additional year at $8 million.

At $5.5 million annually, Sanchez will be the Pirates' 3rd highest paid player, behind Matt Morris and Jack Wilson. Take some time and read that sentence again. Morris and Wilson account for nearly 40% of the team's $38 million payroll. Of course, this seems logical when you realize that this is the same team that was offered Phillies slugger Ryan Howard for Kris Benson, straight up, and said "Nah, we're good. We're gonna go with Ty Wigginton instead."

Sanchez, the first Pirate infielder since Bill Madlock (1983) to have consecutive seasons batting over .300 (the hits just keep coming), will make $1.2 million more than Zach Duke, Ian Snell, Paul Maholm, Tom Gorzelanny, Ronny Paulino, Joe Bautista, Matt Capps, and Nate McLouth combined. That's 4/5ths of the starting rotation, their closer, and starting catcher, 3rd baseman, and center fielder.

However, the real question here is now which washed-up free agent will they be able to sign with what little money they have remaining. Ryan Klesko? Jeff Cirillo? Russell Branyan? The suspense is killing all 5 of us remaining Pirates fans.


In other news, Super Bowl XXII never happened. NEVER HAPPENED. For the past two days I've locked myself in my house and played nothing but NCAA Football 2006 for Playstation 2. The result? Vanderbilt 152, Tennessee 7.

Fuck you Philip Fulmer.

Eli Manning to Tiki Barber: HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!

Great game. For this past Super Bowl we got a great defensive matchup for most of the game then the two offenses picked apart each other's defense methodically in a thrilling last quarter. Tom Brady engineered his game winning drive with a story-book ending touchdown pass to Randy Moss in the corner with less than 3 minutes to play. Unfortunately their defense couldn't hold and Manning put together one of the best one-upper's in SB history. It was great to watch. That not withstanding, the pass from Manning to David Tyree was a prayer. If that gets picked and the Giants lose Manning gets railroaded for breaking under the pressure and regressing to old Eli's ill-advised throws into coverage when it counted. So it goes. Manning's elusiveness on that play was amazing but he threw a jump ball. It went his way. Good for him. The Pats can now enjoy being the second team to finish a season 18-1, but the first among them to NOT win the Super Bowl. Does this mean SportsCenter is going to be looping clips of Mercury Morris rapping about how his now 35 years gone Dolphins are still the best? Why do people insist on paying attention to an annoying, senile, old man?

THE HERBSTREIT: IF YOU LIVED HERE YOU'D BE HOME NOW

River views. New kitchens. Party perfect. Ze Herbstreit. An oasis from the vile obscenity of the human condition.


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For only $3-4 million you can own a deeper connection to your Buckeye roots. It's Dreamboat Kirk's house! That's Kirk E. Herbstreit, aged 38 years, of Onandaga Drive in the Upper Arlington outer borough of Columbus, Ohio. For $1.95 more I could have purchased a detailed report. Isn't the Internet awesome?

Your Super Bowl Alternatives: #4. Breaking the Magician's Code (Fox Reality)

A 5 hour marathon of Breaking the Magician's Code leading up to the Super Bowl, despite the fact that only 4 of these specials were made.









I have to think the Alliance is going to frown on this.

GEORGIA HOUSE PASSES BILL AIDING PRODUCTION OF SOUR GRAPES

Yesterday, Georgia's House of Representatives voted 151-9 to pass a resolution that urges the NCAA to take more of an active role in the postseason competition of Division I-A football, in the form of a national playoff. This, of course has nothing to do with the fact that the Bulldogs finished 11-2 and won the Sugar Bowl against a Hawaii squad erroneously ranked in the top 25, but were not even considered for the national title.

So I'd like to say suck my balls, Georgia, which isn't easy because I don't wear the jorts that give your people such easy access to the crotch region. In no way did the 2007 version of your squad deserve any mythical title recognizing your excellence. In fact, you've a long history of posturing for titles and then being exposed on the national level. Allow me to remind you. Not even all 6 Herschel Walkers could have won that game for you.



Try not losing to a team quarterbacked by Erik Ainge next year.

Songs We Listen to Before Going Out: They Live

We'd like to introduce a new weekly/semi-weekly feature to #2; Songs we listen to before going out. It will chronicle the songs we listen to before drinking, playing sports, or any combination of the two. All suggestions and comments are welcomed.

While not technically a song, I came back from drinking since 5 with every intention of passing out. Then I noticed this 1988 Roddy Piper classic on tv. I was 25 minutes in, the perfect amount. It led me right to this.



And just like that I'm ready to go out again. But that's not all. I present to you Keith David's greatest film moment before he made Jennifer Connelly mankind's hooker next door.



That's right. 6 minutes of the protagonists fighting each other. For no reason. Toss in the idea that the aliens are using humans to create their own climate for a hostile takeover, thereby making Al Gore their primary enemy, and you've got a film that was made way before its time. And starring Rowdy Roddy Piper. Give me a damn beer. I'm ready to drink again.

Grizzlies to Fans: Fuck You.

He's all yours, Los Angeles.

In a completely baffling trade today the Grizzlies, who had only one marketable player on their whole roster (I don't count Darko), traded their one star to the Lakers for the worst #1 overall pick ever (Kwame Brown), a late round, third string point guard (Javaris Crittendon) and two future first round picks that will likely be in the 20s.

As a result, the Lakers add a franchise player to a team with a bonafide superstar (Kobe), a versatile all-star caliber forward (URI product Lamar Odom), a bursting-with-potential young center (Andrew Bynum), and several valuable role players (Fisher, Farmar, Turiaf, Walton, Ariza, even Radmanovic). Meanwhile, the Grizzlies starting lineup will look something like this:

PG - Mike Conley
SG - Mike Miller
SF - Rudy Gay
PF - Kwame Brown
C - Darko Milicic

My God, unless Rudy Gay can start putting up 50 points per game, this squad is in trouble. I don't know if they could beat the University of Memphis right now. To his credit, former Celtics GM Chris Wallace has done a superb job of uniting two of the biggest busts the NBA has seen since 2000. Their combined influence on a team of youngsters can only have a positive effect, right? It'll only be a matter of time before Mike Conley starts whipping no-look passes into the stands and questioning himself.

Clearly, this trade is part of a larger NBA conspiracy to reignite the Celtics-Lakers rivalry from the 80s. At only the expense of two small market teams (Memphis and Minnesota), both teams now look like legit title contenders. Both teams that were fleeced were run by former Celtics employees (Wallace and McHale). This is the only scenario where this trade AND the KG trade make sense, right?

Oh well, I guess it works out for some people.

Everything's coming up Milicic!