Thanks Bill Cosby.

Pictured: Certain virginity, bitter nights of bunk-bed dry humping

Bill Cosby, in an act of benevolence which will surely erupt in a flamewar on some chat room, donated a live Terrier to become Carnegie Mellon University's first living mascot. And now, the university is giving students the chance to name the poor dog. Why Cosby would give a live animal to a university he has no affiliation to is still unknown, but it's rumored that the dog contains smallpox and the Philadelphia native is attempting to systematically destroy Pittsburgh.

None of this would be so bad, but the four naming options available to the public (alumni evidently are not invited) are:

• Andy/Andi
• Skibo
• Scotty/Scottie
• Heart

along with with a grassroots movement to name the dog Chia, after a student whose parents presumably hate him soooooo much. I'm not sure that I could have thought of four worse names for a dog. They might as well be pestilence, war, famine, and death.

In our efforts to help out the one time Sugar Bowl participants (1939 - TCU 15, Carnegie Tech 7; TCU was awarded an additional 8 points after Sammy Baugh boxed and defeated an Australian kangaroo for his alma mater) we've come up with our own names for candidacy, which we feel will be a better fit for the university.

• St. Anger
• Asian kid
• Asperger's
• Virgin
• Kid Loneliness
• Creeping Death
• Uni-wheel, the dog that unicycles to class EVERY DAY
• Compulsive Masterbator
• Pokemon
• Butterface
• Antisocial failure
• Belligerence
  

Feel free to vote or write in your own in the comments section. We'll have a final verdict in the coming days. Also, feel free to comment on the fact that a school filled with Korean kids is adopting a live dog as its mascot. You don't see Wisconsin carrying a glazed ham to all their games. Just sayin'.

Country fry that and we'll talk, Wisconsin.

Who else got drunk and made their bracket picks?

A Vanderbilt - Xavier National Championship game? That's just crazy enough to work...

Also in the works, Cornell over Stanford (who I picked to win it all in my sober bracket), Texas A&M in the Elite Eight (...) and Pitt somehow not shitting the bed before the Sweet 16.

Nevada High School Standards Under Scrutiny After Student Behaves Like A Moron on National Signing Day

In a gymnasium filled with eager yokel townies from Not Las Vegas, NV, a high school football player from Nevada accepted a scholarship to play football for Cal-Berkley, deciding against U. of Oregon. It was later learned he did not have offers from either of these schools and in fact was not offered scholarships to any D-I schools he claimed to have been considering. It sounds like he may have been duped by someone posing as a recruiter. It may also be the case he accepted money from this person--God knows why--and allegedly repaid him in excess--again, WTF? At the signing ceremony he talked about interacting with Cal head coach Jeff Tedford and how that personal communication was influential in his decision.

Huh?

Okay, we have now officially gone from a plausibly honest case of getting fooled, albeit pretty badly, to this kid flat out lying. Because this kid is still in high school and high schoolers are by definition morons I am inclined to cut him some slack. I hope he comes out and says, "Ha! I fooled all you fuckers!" This would be a good counter to the general stupidity that is "National Signing Day". I am all for a bumblefuck town embracing their first D-I football product since that would eclipse their previously greatest event in town history--the installation of their one and only stop light. Be proud of where you come from and who comes from your town. But this national attention paid to 17 and 18 yr olds deciding where they are going to play college football seems a bit much, no? On some level this reminds me of the twistedness of adolescent beauty pageants.

Still, this is a pretty funny story. How the fuck did the head coach for this kid not realize something wasn't right?

I HATE SO MUCH ABOUT THE THINGS THAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE

I'd like to kick shit off here by laying down some ground rules as to site content. My cohort (read: butt buddy) is currently in the middle of a flip cup tournament that is but a singular event in a much larger megathlon of self-destruction, so addenda are likely to follow.

#1) I consider this web page an semi-anonymous outlet for personal opinion and general animosity. Expect to be offended upon reading, regardless of your personal background, ethnicity, nationality, creed, socioeconomic status, species, fame, fashion sense, or supposed divinity. That includes you, God. I hate nobody in particular, that is to say, I like to distribute hate evenly like some cross between Magic Johnson and Adolf Hitler. Feel free to be upset with me when I push your so very delicate buttons, but you don't have to read this site and I require zero readers to vent my thoughts. I'm certain Earvin "Magic" Hitler wouldn't care either.
#2) Other writers on this site may post less objectionable content, including tits, ass, well-thought out opinions, numbers and cogent statistical analysis of sporting events. Do not listen to such nonsense. Their sweet, sweet words will turn into bitter orange wax in your ears.
#3) Don't question my grammar, vocabulary, or writing style. Words are but the base tools that allow me to project filth and debauchery. Photoshop also accomplishes this on occasion. Intelligence is optional here, but alcohol is required.
#4) Feel free to use the email link to the side as a feedback mechanism, or link dump. Just keep in mind we're not here to make friends, or even acknowledge that you exist.
#5) #2 best seller is a backhanded reference to both Primanti Brothers and to beer.