The Redskins are going to interview Steve Mariucci next week. People are saying that like the 75 other candidates our precocious owner, Danny Boy, has interviewed over the last few weeks since St. Joe Gibbs announced his re-retirement Mariucci represents a possible "good fit". No shit, if it wasn't obvious that he could possibly be a good fit merely granting him an interview would be stupid, wouldn't it?
Psst...This is the same owner who hired Steve Spurrier, fired Marty Schottenheimer and paid Brandon Lloyd $85 bazillion to catch three passes.
Well, when you consider that I guess this is both unusual and a positive step to interview a "good fit". I'm glad we're trying to get a good fit in Washington because it would be stupid to say, let a really good defensive coordinator leave even when players have voiced their support for his promotion to head coach--even offensive players. Additionally, after few years it would be stupid to let an offensive coordinator go who runs a rather complicated offense that may take a few years for a team to grasp especially when they have, say, a rookie QB.
Psst...Danny Boy is doing just that.
For real? It couldn't possibly be the case that the success the Redskins had with Tom Collins running Saunders' offense was that he, unlike Campbell who is understandably learning the offense, is a master of it thus can probably execute it more effectively at this point. So that was a bit of a taste of what to come with Campbell's development? Nope! Fuck it, let's scrap the whole playoff-bound-out-of-the-best-overall-division-in-the-NFL mess that was last season and start anew. Glad we're working towards a "good fit", Danny.
Dan Synder may love the Redskins and want to see them do well. But he also seems to insist this is some video game where you can trade pieces at will and expect instant results. This is exactly why someone who made his billions selling vacation packages to college students should not own a professional football team. There was a clause in Gregg Williams' contract wherein he was to receive $1 million if he was NOT named head coach if St. Gibbs retired. What owner allows that if they don't intend to hire the guy? What the fuck?
Washington Post article
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Johann Santana promoted from AAAA to the Major Leagues
Johan Santana, arguably the most dominant pitcher over the last 6 years, was traded yesterday from the Minnesota Twins to the New York Mets for four prospects that may or may not pan out into anything worth a major league uniform. The Twins urge to trade Santana before the season started rather than have him certainly walk away from the organization as a free agent at the end of the season for deserved big money is understandable. I don’t really have a problem with the behavior of any parties involved, they participate within the system, it’s more the general notion this reinforces: the AAAA farm-system that is small market major league teams.
Teams like the Pirates, A’s, Twins and Royals have pretty much sucked for a good portion of the last 15 years because they cannot spend with the Yankees, Red Sox and Cubs of the league. As a result they scout like hell and develop young talent like maestro’s with the hopes they can hang onto to enough of them long enough to make one or two good runs. This results in the flash in the pan Twins of the last few years, A’s of the early 2000s and D-Backs and Rockies of last year. When their work pays off and they produce a star they trade him away for prospects to avoid getting nothing from his development and the cycle repeats. Teams like the Marlins spend like nuts for one or two years in conjunction with good young talent and produce a contender with a legitimate shot at the WS only to explode the team in a fire sale as soon as they are on the down slope. This style of management makes me want to vomit like that girl in that video with that cup. Ick.
You might say, “What about the Rockies and the D-Backs this past season? Two small market teams finding success.” The D-Backs being anything above .500 last season was a statistical “What-the-fuck?” First off, the NL sucked last year. The AL had 6 teams with better records than the Cubs so it didn't matter whether you were small market, no one wanted to win. Every good predictor of team W-L records had D-Backs as not being that good. Yeah, they beat the Cubs in the NLDS, but God hates the Cubs and will do anything to see them suffer, even have them lose three in a row to a team that can’t score. Same thing with the Rockies, they played strangely out of their gourds against a weak NL West schedule down the stretch and moved their way through an NL playoffs wherein they and the afore mentioned D-Backs were the league leaders with 90 wins. My point is they were not that good even though they found success. They and other small market teams will never find consistent good fortune as long as the Yankees and Red Sox of the league have their spending arms race.
Possible Solutions:
1) Contract both Florida franchises. Letting them play is basically just driving up the win percentage for everyone else in the league. Their attendance records are putrid. I’ve had deuces that look better than Tropicana Field and Joe Robbie. The state gets half of MLB there every year for spring training; let’s leave it at that.
2) Employ some form of revenue sharing. NY is so big it can actually accommodate 40,000 people attending 162 games over a summer (81 home games for both the Mets and Yankees). Places like Pittsburgh, Kansas City and Cleveland have less than 1/20th the population to work with and their residents are relatively less wealthy. It’s no wonder they aren’t able to generate enough revenue to keep good talent. Let the Yankees spend what they want but distribute some of their revenue to help small market teams retain talent and hopefully not suck so consistently for the greater benefit of the league.
I also would have accepted “kick Peter Angelos in the balls”. Watching Angelos let good talent that wanted to stay in Baltimore walk while signing underachievers and shitbags for too much money is certainly deserving of a pecker punch.
Teams like the Pirates, A’s, Twins and Royals have pretty much sucked for a good portion of the last 15 years because they cannot spend with the Yankees, Red Sox and Cubs of the league. As a result they scout like hell and develop young talent like maestro’s with the hopes they can hang onto to enough of them long enough to make one or two good runs. This results in the flash in the pan Twins of the last few years, A’s of the early 2000s and D-Backs and Rockies of last year. When their work pays off and they produce a star they trade him away for prospects to avoid getting nothing from his development and the cycle repeats. Teams like the Marlins spend like nuts for one or two years in conjunction with good young talent and produce a contender with a legitimate shot at the WS only to explode the team in a fire sale as soon as they are on the down slope. This style of management makes me want to vomit like that girl in that video with that cup. Ick.
You might say, “What about the Rockies and the D-Backs this past season? Two small market teams finding success.” The D-Backs being anything above .500 last season was a statistical “What-the-fuck?” First off, the NL sucked last year. The AL had 6 teams with better records than the Cubs so it didn't matter whether you were small market, no one wanted to win. Every good predictor of team W-L records had D-Backs as not being that good. Yeah, they beat the Cubs in the NLDS, but God hates the Cubs and will do anything to see them suffer, even have them lose three in a row to a team that can’t score. Same thing with the Rockies, they played strangely out of their gourds against a weak NL West schedule down the stretch and moved their way through an NL playoffs wherein they and the afore mentioned D-Backs were the league leaders with 90 wins. My point is they were not that good even though they found success. They and other small market teams will never find consistent good fortune as long as the Yankees and Red Sox of the league have their spending arms race.
Possible Solutions:
1) Contract both Florida franchises. Letting them play is basically just driving up the win percentage for everyone else in the league. Their attendance records are putrid. I’ve had deuces that look better than Tropicana Field and Joe Robbie. The state gets half of MLB there every year for spring training; let’s leave it at that.
2) Employ some form of revenue sharing. NY is so big it can actually accommodate 40,000 people attending 162 games over a summer (81 home games for both the Mets and Yankees). Places like Pittsburgh, Kansas City and Cleveland have less than 1/20th the population to work with and their residents are relatively less wealthy. It’s no wonder they aren’t able to generate enough revenue to keep good talent. Let the Yankees spend what they want but distribute some of their revenue to help small market teams retain talent and hopefully not suck so consistently for the greater benefit of the league.
I also would have accepted “kick Peter Angelos in the balls”. Watching Angelos let good talent that wanted to stay in Baltimore walk while signing underachievers and shitbags for too much money is certainly deserving of a pecker punch.
Your Super Bowl Alternatives: #3. Too Young to Be a Dad (Lifetime)
Presented by Lifetime and starring that quiet kid from Little Miss Sunshine (or the guy that gets beat to death in There Will Be Blood, if you prefer). The movie description doesn't say anything about spousal/domestic abuse, but since this is Lifetime we'll just assume that there's lots of it.
Sadly, no evidence of this 2002 gem exists on YouTube. Instead, I've embedded a clip of some awful movie starring the world's least sexy woman, Molly Shannon.
God, I hope she gets beaten.
Target Audience: Single moms, neglected moms, beaten moms, eunuchs
Sadly, no evidence of this 2002 gem exists on YouTube. Instead, I've embedded a clip of some awful movie starring the world's least sexy woman, Molly Shannon.
God, I hope she gets beaten.
Target Audience: Single moms, neglected moms, beaten moms, eunuchs
Your Super Bowl Alternatives - #2. Major League Eating (Spike TV)
It used to be the the MLE stood for the mid-level exception, the contracts generally awarded to crappy, mid-tier NBA veterans on salary rich teams. No longer. Finally, the sports world has found an event worthy of the prestigious 2-consonant, 1-vowel MLE combination. Behold, Major League Eating.
Since Spike's Thanksgiving based Turkey Bowl eating contest, the network has somehow (brilliantly?) linked gluttony and football. Riding on the coattails of the big game, the MLE will broadcast only during halftime of the Super Bowl, forcing you to choose between which is less disgusting:
Joey Chestnut
or
Tom Petty
It's a tough decision by any stretch. While Petty's music is a slice of Americana, Chestnut is responsible for bringing the mustard belt back to the U.S. I dare you to watch the following video without feeling a pulsing surge of patriotism. In all likelihood, this is why the terrorists hate us.
Since Spike's Thanksgiving based Turkey Bowl eating contest, the network has somehow (brilliantly?) linked gluttony and football. Riding on the coattails of the big game, the MLE will broadcast only during halftime of the Super Bowl, forcing you to choose between which is less disgusting:
Joey Chestnut
or
Tom Petty
It's a tough decision by any stretch. While Petty's music is a slice of Americana, Chestnut is responsible for bringing the mustard belt back to the U.S. I dare you to watch the following video without feeling a pulsing surge of patriotism. In all likelihood, this is why the terrorists hate us.
During the Super Bowl, they'll be eating (green?) eggs and ham, which should result in some awesome reversals. Without the Lingerie Bowl, it is looking like the front-runner to capture the lonely guy halftime market, along with the impressionable-youth-fat-kid market.
One can hope for a merger down the road with the Puppy Bowl producers, as we watch Takeru Kobayashi and Eric "Badlands" Booker chase down and then sloppily devour small animals. Gumbercules, if you could make a photoshop for this that would be exceptional.
Target Audience: Fatties, lonely men, Dr. Seuss.
One can hope for a merger down the road with the Puppy Bowl producers, as we watch Takeru Kobayashi and Eric "Badlands" Booker chase down and then sloppily devour small animals. Gumbercules, if you could make a photoshop for this that would be exceptional.
Target Audience: Fatties, lonely men, Dr. Seuss.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Your Super Bowl Alternatives: #1. Puppy Bowl (Animal Planet)
Now in HD. Puppy Bowl II garnered as many viewers as the State of the Union Address. Puppy Bowl III somehow got over 5 million people to tune in during its 12 straight hours of broadcast. Meanwhile, the Lingerie Bowl will not be held again this year for multiple reasons. The lesson? People don't care about boobs; unless they're free.
Watch any kid that happens to come across this on cable. Their eyes grow wider and more vacant than a Japanese child playing the latest seizure-inducing video game. If Animal Planet didn't have commercials, you could conceivably leave your kid in front of this for its full 12 hours of viewing and watch the Super Bowl wherever the hell you wanted. Hell, even I'm transfixed;
And, for you sadists/women that don't like dogs; cats at halftime.
And just think - they got 5 million viewers before moving to high-definition. It should only take a few minutes of Bingo, Jackson, and Scuba to melt your girlfriend's parties completely off.
Target Audience; Children, lonely widows, desperate guys, gigglepusses (gigglepi?)
Watch any kid that happens to come across this on cable. Their eyes grow wider and more vacant than a Japanese child playing the latest seizure-inducing video game. If Animal Planet didn't have commercials, you could conceivably leave your kid in front of this for its full 12 hours of viewing and watch the Super Bowl wherever the hell you wanted. Hell, even I'm transfixed;
And, for you sadists/women that don't like dogs; cats at halftime.
And just think - they got 5 million viewers before moving to high-definition. It should only take a few minutes of Bingo, Jackson, and Scuba to melt your girlfriend's parties completely off.
Target Audience; Children, lonely widows, desperate guys, gigglepusses (gigglepi?)
Monday, January 28, 2008
WHADDYA GOT THERE, NUMBERS?: SMART PEOPLE DO NOT DEFEND THE BIG TEN
For the second January in a row, we've seen "the" Ohio State University lay an egg against premier competition, and the Big Ten take an absolute beating in bowl season. The popular media has, among other things, shoved the SEC's superior athleticism and week-in and week-out competitiveness down our throats as the rationale for what we've seen.
Unfortunately as a Penn State fan, I have to agree here. Look at the Big Ten's Sagarin rankings by conference for the last 10 years. Outside of an anomalous 2005 where Ohio State and Penn State had phenomenal years and each won BCS games, the Big Ten has been in a relative freefall since 1999 (use the central mean numbers in parentheses to draw cross-year strength comparisons):
1998: 2nd (79.83)
1999: 1st (82.79)
2000: 3rd (76.76)
2001: 5th (76.59)
2002: 5th (77.50)
2003: 3rd (77.59)
2004: 5th (75.63)
2005: 1st (80.72)
2006: 5th (74.89)
2007: 6th (74.63)
I'm avoiding doing the linear regression for now, but let me assure that it's a clear negative slope. The difference between 1999 and 2007's strength index is about 8 points, a decline of about a point per year. During that same period (smoothing over a two year period at each extreme), the delta for each conference on a half point scale:
ACC: even
Big East: +4.5 pts
Big Ten: -6.5 pts
Big 12: -2 pts
Pac-10: +3 pts
SEC: +3 pts
Fairly clearly, the past ten years have been disastrous for the B10 (and not great for the B12 -- think Nebraska). The 1999 peak represents by nearly a full point the best showing across all conferences (next closest? this year's SEC). How the mighty have fallen. There is no question that the B10 is not even close to past levels of competition at the moment. This has been great for the pack leader, OSU -- only two conference losses in the last three years has led to three consecutive BCS bowl births and two national title appearances. However, there is no question that winning out the way they did in 2001 in a conference a full two points stronger prepared them far better for the national championship, or at least suggested they were a better team.
To put this year's 74.63 rating into context, the best non-BCS conference ranking of the last ten years (excluding independents) is the MWC of 2004 which finished with a 72.08, which marginally beat out the Big East's 71.98 (thank you, Alex Smith!) This is the only instance of this happening. Holistically though, the BCS/non-BCS gap has dwindled from 8-10 points to 0-2 points over that period. Is increasing parity good for college football? We're finding out as we speak. I struggle to envision how the BCS would defend itself if the MWC began consistently fielding stronger conference competition than the B10. If current trends continue this might only be five years away, but with average Sagarin rating across all BCS conferences holding steady its more likely that the B10 is the (mostly) lone sufferer. I leave calculating the reasons for this general trend as an exercise for the reader.
To summarize rather bluntly, the Big Ten blows right now, and watching Penn State the past two falls I've felt a particularly excruciating irritation with the quality of play. The 2004 Iowa-Penn State game was probably the ugliest piece of NCAA football ever produced. The past two years have been a return to mediocrity. The end result of all of this? OSU has an excellent chance at another run to the crown next year, but if that doesn't happen there likely will only be one B10 entrant in the BCS.
Unfortunately as a Penn State fan, I have to agree here. Look at the Big Ten's Sagarin rankings by conference for the last 10 years. Outside of an anomalous 2005 where Ohio State and Penn State had phenomenal years and each won BCS games, the Big Ten has been in a relative freefall since 1999 (use the central mean numbers in parentheses to draw cross-year strength comparisons):
1998: 2nd (79.83)
1999: 1st (82.79)
2000: 3rd (76.76)
2001: 5th (76.59)
2002: 5th (77.50)
2003: 3rd (77.59)
2004: 5th (75.63)
2005: 1st (80.72)
2006: 5th (74.89)
2007: 6th (74.63)
I'm avoiding doing the linear regression for now, but let me assure that it's a clear negative slope. The difference between 1999 and 2007's strength index is about 8 points, a decline of about a point per year. During that same period (smoothing over a two year period at each extreme), the delta for each conference on a half point scale:
ACC: even
Big East: +4.5 pts
Big Ten: -6.5 pts
Big 12: -2 pts
Pac-10: +3 pts
SEC: +3 pts
Fairly clearly, the past ten years have been disastrous for the B10 (and not great for the B12 -- think Nebraska). The 1999 peak represents by nearly a full point the best showing across all conferences (next closest? this year's SEC). How the mighty have fallen. There is no question that the B10 is not even close to past levels of competition at the moment. This has been great for the pack leader, OSU -- only two conference losses in the last three years has led to three consecutive BCS bowl births and two national title appearances. However, there is no question that winning out the way they did in 2001 in a conference a full two points stronger prepared them far better for the national championship, or at least suggested they were a better team.
To put this year's 74.63 rating into context, the best non-BCS conference ranking of the last ten years (excluding independents) is the MWC of 2004 which finished with a 72.08, which marginally beat out the Big East's 71.98 (thank you, Alex Smith!) This is the only instance of this happening. Holistically though, the BCS/non-BCS gap has dwindled from 8-10 points to 0-2 points over that period. Is increasing parity good for college football? We're finding out as we speak. I struggle to envision how the BCS would defend itself if the MWC began consistently fielding stronger conference competition than the B10. If current trends continue this might only be five years away, but with average Sagarin rating across all BCS conferences holding steady its more likely that the B10 is the (mostly) lone sufferer. I leave calculating the reasons for this general trend as an exercise for the reader.
To summarize rather bluntly, the Big Ten blows right now, and watching Penn State the past two falls I've felt a particularly excruciating irritation with the quality of play. The 2004 Iowa-Penn State game was probably the ugliest piece of NCAA football ever produced. The past two years have been a return to mediocrity. The end result of all of this? OSU has an excellent chance at another run to the crown next year, but if that doesn't happen there likely will only be one B10 entrant in the BCS.
Stephen Jackson + Chris Webber + Easily Influenced Young Players; What Could Go Wrong?
Chris Webber has announced that he will join the Golden State Warriors for a second time to finish out this season. Twelve years ago, Webber played for this same team, with the same coach, and complained his way into a trade to Washington for Rod Strickland. As a result, the Warriors missed the playoffs for 12 straight years until a triumphant return last year.
Upon seeing the team's resurgence, Webber is taking it upon himself to finish the job he started 13 years ago; the complete dismantling of the Golden State Warriors.
Webber's running mates include:
I don't see how anything could possibly go wrong. The over/under on days before Andris Biedrins is found weeping over a dead stripper/hooker is now 35.
Upon seeing the team's resurgence, Webber is taking it upon himself to finish the job he started 13 years ago; the complete dismantling of the Golden State Warriors.
Webber's running mates include:
- Stephen Jackson; potential felon, lover of strip clubs
- Troy Hudson; founder, Nutty Boyz Entertainment
- Baron Davis; oft-injured former subject of recruiting violations under Jim Harrick
- Andris Biedrins, Monta Ellis, Brandan Wright, Marco Belinelli; talented, easily influenced youngsters
- Patrick O'Bryant; tubby piece of shit, more athletic than Aaron Gray.
I don't see how anything could possibly go wrong. The over/under on days before Andris Biedrins is found weeping over a dead stripper/hooker is now 35.
People We Hate: Skip Bayless
How do you become more annoying than Stephen A. Smith? Years of experience, never agreeing with conventional wisdom, and deciding that kicking should be outlawed in the NFL.
Skip also loses points for making Woody Paige seem like a reasonable man during Cold Pizza, the show that makes me happy that I work 3 hours a day in the morning. He also called Troy Aikman both a homosexual and racist while failing to insult Aikman's announcing partner and probable hetero-lifemate Joe Buck. Other people Skip feels are not elite athletes;
Evidently, Skip's entire job at ESPN is to make the rest of the staff seem brilliant by comparison. Clearly there was a reason why espn.com waited until after Skip's writing tenure was over to add a comments feature. To add insult to injury, he also played an ESPN announcer in Rocky Balboa, the movie that showcased Antonio Tarver's acting skills.
Fuck you, Skip.
Skip also loses points for making Woody Paige seem like a reasonable man during Cold Pizza, the show that makes me happy that I work 3 hours a day in the morning. He also called Troy Aikman both a homosexual and racist while failing to insult Aikman's announcing partner and probable hetero-lifemate Joe Buck. Other people Skip feels are not elite athletes;- Kevin Garnett
- LeBron James
- Peyton Manning
- Frank Thomas
- Tiger Woods
- Randy Moss
- Any member of the Dallas Cowboys
Evidently, Skip's entire job at ESPN is to make the rest of the staff seem brilliant by comparison. Clearly there was a reason why espn.com waited until after Skip's writing tenure was over to add a comments feature. To add insult to injury, he also played an ESPN announcer in Rocky Balboa, the movie that showcased Antonio Tarver's acting skills.
Fuck you, Skip.
NHL All-Star Game is a Thriller, Earns as Much Press as Dana Jacobsen's Return to Cold Pizza
Congratulations! You play a sport no one cares about.
The NHL held it's all-star game last night, and with its only recognizable star, Sidney Crosby, missing due to injury, evidently no one cared. Judging by their headlines, ESPN.com has equated the game to Chris Webber's NBA return (to single handedly destroy the Warriors' chemistry) and Dana Jacobson's return to Cold Pizza after showing her disdain for Jesus at Mike and Mike's Celebrity Roast (the woman works with Skip Bayless and Woody Paige everyday; technically she's a saint anyway, I doubt God minded that much).
Of course, it didn't help that the All-Star game was shown on Versus, unpopular sports' response to the NFL Network. Despite constant ads that reminded me which channel Vs. is on (72 or 34), I still got lost and ended up watching Tremors three times in a row. Hopefully I'll find it soon, since I don't want to miss out on my Mountain West college sports, competitive cycling, Cal Ripken World Series (really, they televise this), American's Cup, and old episodes of Survivor.
Take a look at that list, NHL. This is what you've become. You're just a few years away from becoming a big budget rival of the International Federation of Competitive Eating.
Oh yeah, the East won, 8-7. Eric Staal won MVP honors, presumably earning him a bag of turnips or whatever NHL players like. Denim jackets? A case of Busch camo-cans? Ah, a truck. Well I guess that makes sense.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Hedo Turkoglu Doesn't Give a Fuck, Wins Anyway
Magic at home. Tied with the Celtics, 93-93. 14 seconds to play. Coach Stan Van Gundy calls a timeout.
Van Gundy: "Ok fellas. Here's the play. Inbound to Arroyo. Arroyo to Turkoglu. Hedo runs around aimlessly as time runs down, then fires a fade away 3-pointer with his eyes closed from 30 feet out as time expires."
Dwight Howard: "Seriously?"
Turkoglu: "bazhhshshshttt, cinar sahin."
Van Gundy: "Go get 'em fellas."
(Turkoglu dribbles aimlessly, throws ball over shoulder, Magic win)
Dwight Howard: (nuzzles up to Van Gundy) You, sir, are a genius.
Turkoglu's shot was an amazing display of selfishness not seen since I played college intramurals with a bunch of guys that hated each other. We basically chucked up shots just to spite one another. I like to think that after this game, Dwight Howard took a dump in Hedo's locker just to remind him who the alpha dog was.
IT SURE SUCKS TO BE A COWBOYS FAN
Here's a Hitler-related post for today. I'd be pretty pissed about the jersey purchase too.
Georgetown Cheats, Beats Hillbillies.
Pictured: Cheating.Georgetown, aided by a last second goaltend, defeated West Virginia 58-57 to limit their embarrassing Big East losses to just Pittsburgh. West Virginia coach Bob Huggins, devastated by the loss, vowed to continue his tough love regime of drinking and driving that was so successful at Cincinnati.
Georgetown was able to avoid the upset bug that struck ranked teams Indiana, Wisconsin, Pitt, Dayton, Ole Miss, Villanova, and Baylor. When reached for comment, Baylor head coach Scott Drew said "Holy shit, we were ranked? Like, Division I ranked?"
Layups? I'm Alex Fucking Gordon!
You know what? Today I'm only going to dribble behind my back. We're playing Tennessee? Bullshit. I'm Alex Fucking Gordon. I fucking own this team. These pussies can't guard me.A double team? Time to post up. I see Foster on the wing, but fuck him. I'm the biggest 5-10 motherfucker you've ever seen. They give me an inch and I'll throw down on their asses. I'm Alex Fucking Gordon.
What? It got blocked again? Fuck. That was a foul. NCAA refs don't respect VU for shit. If the UNC mascot could walk half as well as Jeff Green did in the tournament he'd still be alive today.
Give me the ball. GIVE ME THE BALL FOSTER. I don't give a fuck how many 3s you make per game. I fucking own UT. I made Dane Bradshaw my bitch last year. I'll put up any shot from half court in. I'm Alex FUCKING Gordon.(banks in 3 pointer from beyond half court)
Look at that. Money. Now we're only down 17. This is Alex Gordon time baby. I'm the A-Rod of college basketball. We even shoot the same average; .313. Look at Beal calling for the ball, wide open underneath. Yeah, right, douchebag. Time to drive, Red Gordon style.
What? Smith blocked it again? Fuck. That was a goddamn foul. You can't touch me. I'm Alex Fucking Gordon.
(UT, playing 5 on 4 offense, pushes the lead back to 20 with 4 minutes to play).
Looks like it's my time to shine. Chris Lofton ain't got SHIT on me.(Pictured: Alex Gordon. Not Pictured: Zwinky ad that seemingly accompanies every Alex Gordon picture on google.)
Aluminum Gold: Volume One - Frat Beers
As part of an ongoing series, I'll be providing expert reviews of whatever swill I can find for under $15 per case. Consider this a crash course on wasting your student loan checks.
Pabst Blue Ribbon -
Pabst is the old reliable girlfriend that's always been there when you needed a quick fix, but was never hot enough for you to brag about to your friends. She might not look like much, but she understands what it takes to please you. What else can you say about it? It’s the official beer of 2 am desperation.
Rating: Available.
Natural Ice -
If Pabst is that old reliable girlfriend, Natty Ice is her fat ugly friend that probably has V.D.. You're never really happy to be with it and you immediately regret the decision when you’re finished. Even though all of your friends have stooped to that level, they'll never fail to make fun of you for it.
Rating: Slutty, ugly, filled with hate.
Red Dog -
This is your stepdad’s beer. Not the one who tried to be your friend, but the one with the mustache and mullet who drove a Ford Fiero. The one that used to throw his cigarette butts in half full cans. Somehow, without the tobacco, Red Dog just isn't the same. It's depressing, really.
Rating: Lonely.
Keystone Light -
Keystone advertises itself as 'never bitter.' I guess it’s pretty easy not to be bitter when you don't taste like anything.
Rating: Sterile.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
SUMMER SANDERS: SHE'S A BREEDER
A regular feature on #2 Best Seller is going to be a piece called "She's A Breeder", in which we take a look at the specific females on this planet best suited for reproduction. They will be judged harshly and without compunction across categories such as beauty, physical attributes, intelligence and personality, as well as pregnancy history, genetic defects and known diseases. Any such judgment will inherently be subjective, but an effort is made to provide some basis across which to contrast different women.
Here, I present to you the quintessential breeder: Summer Sanders. Summer is a gorgeous 5'9", 35-year old television host and ex-world champion swimmer. You may remember her from such Olympics as: Barcelona, where she medaled in multiple individual and team events and won our nation's slutty, whimsical heart. She has also performed as an actress in several movies, most notably Jerry Maguire, and as a host for several ESPN series including The Sports List. She currently hosts the in-limbo television series Skating with Celebrities, Fox's inane replacement for the greatest television series of all-time, Arrested Development. I do not blame her for this tragedy. She's also wonderful with children -- here is a video of her getting slimed on Nickelodeon's Figure It Out:
Summer is married and either currently pregnant or just gave birth to her second child, which means she is not eligible to be the world's top potential breeder according to our heuristics. She will, however, serve as the measuring stick to which all potential future breeders will be held; great personality, hot as hell, world-class athlete, all-American girl and wonderful attitude towards life.
Go forth Summer, and increase the genetic integrity of our herd through your continued reproduction.
I HATE SO MUCH ABOUT THE THINGS THAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE
I'd like to kick shit off here by laying down some ground rules as to site content. My cohort (read: butt buddy) is currently in the middle of a flip cup tournament that is but a singular event in a much larger megathlon of self-destruction, so addenda are likely to follow.
#1) I consider this web page an semi-anonymous outlet for personal opinion and general animosity. Expect to be offended upon reading, regardless of your personal background, ethnicity, nationality, creed, socioeconomic status, species, fame, fashion sense, or supposed divinity. That includes you, God. I hate nobody in particular, that is to say, I like to distribute hate evenly like some cross between Magic Johnson and Adolf Hitler. Feel free to be upset with me when I push your so very delicate buttons, but you don't have to read this site and I require zero readers to vent my thoughts. I'm certain Earvin "Magic" Hitler wouldn't care either.
#2) Other writers on this site may post less objectionable content, including tits, ass, well-thought out opinions, numbers and cogent statistical analysis of sporting events. Do not listen to such nonsense. Their sweet, sweet words will turn into bitter orange wax in your ears.
#3) Don't question my grammar, vocabulary, or writing style. Words are but the base tools that allow me to project filth and debauchery. Photoshop also accomplishes this on occasion. Intelligence is optional here, but alcohol is required.
#4) Feel free to use the email link to the side as a feedback mechanism, or link dump. Just keep in mind we're not here to make friends, or even acknowledge that you exist.
#5) #2 best seller is a backhanded reference to both Primanti Brothers and to beer.
#1) I consider this web page an semi-anonymous outlet for personal opinion and general animosity. Expect to be offended upon reading, regardless of your personal background, ethnicity, nationality, creed, socioeconomic status, species, fame, fashion sense, or supposed divinity. That includes you, God. I hate nobody in particular, that is to say, I like to distribute hate evenly like some cross between Magic Johnson and Adolf Hitler. Feel free to be upset with me when I push your so very delicate buttons, but you don't have to read this site and I require zero readers to vent my thoughts. I'm certain Earvin "Magic" Hitler wouldn't care either.
#2) Other writers on this site may post less objectionable content, including tits, ass, well-thought out opinions, numbers and cogent statistical analysis of sporting events. Do not listen to such nonsense. Their sweet, sweet words will turn into bitter orange wax in your ears.
#3) Don't question my grammar, vocabulary, or writing style. Words are but the base tools that allow me to project filth and debauchery. Photoshop also accomplishes this on occasion. Intelligence is optional here, but alcohol is required.
#4) Feel free to use the email link to the side as a feedback mechanism, or link dump. Just keep in mind we're not here to make friends, or even acknowledge that you exist.
#5) #2 best seller is a backhanded reference to both Primanti Brothers and to beer.
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