People You Should Know More About: "Smokey Joe" Williams

Joe Williams is probably one of the greatest pitchers of all-time. When you hear a statement like that you might anticipate career statistics supporting his excellence. This, however, is difficult because of poor record keeping of many black baseball games. It's just the way it is. Realistically, the best information we can gather is from individual performances considered in the broader context of what that performance meant and personal recollections. Joe Williams was a black ballplayer born in 1885/1886 in Texas. He was a big guy, 6'4", 240 lbs, the kind of guy who these days would probably end up playing football. He went by two nicknames, either "Smokey Joe" or "Cyclone Joe" Williams.

His greatest likeness in white baseball at the time was probably Walter Johnson. Exhibition games between black teams and white major league teams were not uncommon in the early 20th century--the gates revenues from games like this were appealing to both parties, neither of whom found financial security through baseball like we see today. Williams and Johnson once matched up in a game wherein they played to a 1-0 final score. It's unclear who won but from my readings I think it was Johnson. Even so, what a game it must have been to see two of the greatest fastball pitchers of all-time go at it.

Among the more gaudy numbers he produced was a single game in 1930 against the Negro League Kansas City Monarchs. In a game that lasted 12 innings Johnson struck out 27 batters! That's right, among a possible 36 outs he recorded 27 of them by himself. He is certainly to be considered a peer of the great Satchel Paige, possibly better. You hear less about Williams and more about Paige because Satchel eventually displayed his skills in front of the entire nation within MLB, winning the Rookie of the Year at the ripe age of 42. Still, Williams must have been a sight to see and, like Paige, pitched effectively well into his 40s. Around 40 years old he pitched successive shutouts against a team of white major league all-stars including the great Jimmie Foxx.

Ty Cobb, tagged a racist but that's another story, once flatly stated Smokey Joe Williams would have easily been a 30-game winner in the major leagues had he been given the opportunity. Williams' scalps claimed in exhibition play against major league competition include HoF pitcher Grover Cleveland Alexander. In 1912 Williams shutout the major league New York Giants--who represented the NL in the previous World Series. He reproduced this feat in 1916 when shutting out the Philadelphia Phillies and Alexander, 1-0--the defending NL champs.

Williams remains, and almost certainly shall remain, an elusive figure due to lack of written documentation of both his baseball accolades and personal history. Still, what can be gathered indicates Smokey Joe Williams was an incredible ballplayer, very much deserving of a place in the minds of those who enjoy baseball history.

WRITERS STRIKE AFFECTING SPORTS SCANDALS

Yesterday, a YouTube video was posted of certified legend Juan Marichal and certified asshole, possible legend Pedro Martinez releasing roosters in a cockfight in-- wait, wait, wait. I've seen this one before. This episode was new last summer. The guy got arrested, publicly apologized, got a harsh sentence from a power-hungry judge who made it look like he was coming down on celebrities. I know how the rest of this ends. Another fucking rerun.

It probably looked something like this.

GODDAMN I HOPE YOU KNOW YOU WRITERS ARE RUINING MY MID 20S. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? MY FRIENDS ARE ALL TIRED OF MY WITTY HUMOR DERIVED FROM TELEVISION SHOWS. I CAN'T IMPRESS GIRLS ANYMORE WITH FUNNY QUIPS FROM 30 ROCK OR DEEP MOMENTS FROM SCRUBS. I'M DYING HERE YOU FUCKING COCKBAGS

Suns to Fans: Fuck You.

I have no words. If someone can come up with a caption that accurately describes this, then by all means, add it.

Pending a physical, which Suns fans are praying Shaq fails, the Suns are reportedly intent on shipping all-star Shawn Marion and idiot point guard Marcus Banks to the Heat in exchange for Shaquille O'Neal.

That's the Suns, the up-tempo team that has changed the way that teams play in the West pushing the running game and scoring loads of points, trading for a 35 year old, hobbled, 350 pound center who also starred in Kazaam.

The Suns, who have been so desperate to shed salary that they've essentially given away their first round draft picks over the last few years, trading for someone who'll be making $20 million per until 2010.

The Suns, who already have two strong players capable of starting at center (Amare Stoudamire, Boris Diaw), trading for a player whose scoring numbers have dropped by 13 ppg in the past 5 years while giving up a four time all-star who averages a double-double over his career and is currently in his prime (28 years old).

The Suns, who have the best record in the west and were arguably a Robert Horry foul away from making the NBA Finals last year, are making a trade to make them slower and bog down their payroll.

Maybe they know something I don't. Maybe Shaq is just biding his time, waiting to get traded to turn it on; hell, he hasn't been in shape during the regular season for years now. Maybe Marion really is a team cancer and Shaq's locker room presence will unite the Suns and give them the boost they need to top the Spurs.

Or maybe general manager Steve Kerr is just an idiot. Anyone who's read his old columns on Yahoo! already knows that he's functionally retarded, so why not throw a bunch of shit together like this was NBA Live '03 and see if it works? It's not like anything else for the Suns makes all that much sense.

Nickname: Suns. Mascot: Gorilla. A logical progression.

Nevada High School Standards Under Scrutiny After Student Behaves Like A Moron on National Signing Day

In a gymnasium filled with eager yokel townies from Not Las Vegas, NV, a high school football player from Nevada accepted a scholarship to play football for Cal-Berkley, deciding against U. of Oregon. It was later learned he did not have offers from either of these schools and in fact was not offered scholarships to any D-I schools he claimed to have been considering. It sounds like he may have been duped by someone posing as a recruiter. It may also be the case he accepted money from this person--God knows why--and allegedly repaid him in excess--again, WTF? At the signing ceremony he talked about interacting with Cal head coach Jeff Tedford and how that personal communication was influential in his decision.

Huh?

Okay, we have now officially gone from a plausibly honest case of getting fooled, albeit pretty badly, to this kid flat out lying. Because this kid is still in high school and high schoolers are by definition morons I am inclined to cut him some slack. I hope he comes out and says, "Ha! I fooled all you fuckers!" This would be a good counter to the general stupidity that is "National Signing Day". I am all for a bumblefuck town embracing their first D-I football product since that would eclipse their previously greatest event in town history--the installation of their one and only stop light. Be proud of where you come from and who comes from your town. But this national attention paid to 17 and 18 yr olds deciding where they are going to play college football seems a bit much, no? On some level this reminds me of the twistedness of adolescent beauty pageants.

Still, this is a pretty funny story. How the fuck did the head coach for this kid not realize something wasn't right?

NCAA Lost Power Rankings

Gimmick sports rankings; real original.

At the halfway point of the season, we've decided to compare college basketball to the biggest current event in America right now; the return of Lost. Power rankings are our own and completely arbitrary, so please don't question them.


1. Memphis - Kate - Yeah, they're a sexy choice right now, but does anyone think that they can actually do anything in the crunch time? Kate, while a major player in island politics early on was mostly worthless in escape attempts from the Others and the trek to the radio tower.

2. Duke - Locke - Coach K has a connection to college basketball unlike any other current coach, and has the uncanny ability to make marginally talented white kids the most hated figures in college sports. Locke has some weird communion with the island and was able to turn Boone from an interesting character to his own personal slave (until he inadvertently killed him). Bonus that most people hate both Duke and Locke.

3. North Carolina - Jack - Though they stumble at times, Roy Williams' time-tested coaching and utilization of talent shines through in tough ACC and NCAA tournament play. They are the man of science against Duke's man of faith - Locke.

4. UCLA - Sayid - A dangerous combination of talent and experience. Love, Collison, and Mbah a Moute can grind teams into submission, as seen in wins over Michigan State, Stanford, and Washington State. Like the former torturer Sayid, they're able to overwhelm you on several fronts and break a team down as the game wears on.

5. Kansas - Sawyer - Impressive at times. Always a little shady. And in the end, everyone knows that they're gonna mess up. Kansas's NCAA tournament woes have been well documented in the past.

6. Tennessee - Ben Linus - A threatening figure although not physically imposing. The Vols have no one key player (especially this year with Chris Lofton in a slump), but strike fear into the hearts of other SEC teams. Bruce Pearl is a great coach who is outstanding at understanding other teams' weaknesses and exploiting them; just like the leader of The Others.

7. Georgetown - Mikhail - Powerful, and seemingly unkillable. While they have their weaknesses, their overall strengths will keep them bouncing back against weaker teams and making them pay for not completely destroying them.

8. Stanford - Desmond - I don't think anyone really knows what to make of Stanford right now. While they look like a big contender, there's something a bit off with them. They could run the table from here through the Pac 10 tournament, or they could drop games to teams like Siena and Oregon again. That said, it's entirely possible that they're the ones who could emerge from nowhere to cut down the nets in April, just like Desmond came out of a hatch to bring potential rescue from his rich girlfriend.

Xavier vs. Georgetown, artist's rendition.

9. Xavier - Jin - While not on the same page as everyone else, this team has made itself a major player despite being a part of the Atlantic 10. Though not destined for a starring role, a Sweet Sixteen trip will legitimize it's place on the island, and the A-10's place in college hoops.

10./11. Wisconsin/Michigan State - Sun - Pretty choices out of the Big Ten. However, conference play there is similar to Jin's actions on the island; nothing really happens. Though each team may inadvertently make some noise (i.e. accidentally murder one of the others, beat Texas), their relatively weak conference play will hinder them come tourney-time.

12. Butler - Charlie - Annoying and very, very white, Butler won't seem to go away. After last year's crashing of the top 25, they've gotten even stronger this year. Same with Charlie, who seemed to have no future on the island in the first season and did little but slow down the storyline until eventually meeting his destiny by turning off The Others' signal jamming equipment.

13. Indiana - Danielle Rousseau - An old favorite, fading in and out of episodes/college seasons only to appear again as a dangerous tertiary character, waiting to trap other big name teams. Indiana's got talent, and if they can find some consistency will make a big impact come tournament time.

14. Texas - Alex Rousseau - A team too young to make make of an impact this year. Texas has just one senior and two upperclassmen in their rotation. Alex, on the other hand, is only 16 and has just arrived in the survivors' camp. They're both primed to play major roles given a little more time and seasoning.

15. Marquette - Tom (Mr. Friendly) - Seemingly powerful, but shrouded with confusion. Who knows what they'll produce late in the season. They do their job adequately but rarely produce outside of what's expected of them (wins against a weak non-conference schedule, losses against high RPI teams like Duke, Wisconsin, Louisville, West Virginia).

16. Washington State - Mr. Eko - Like Eko, came out of nowhere last year to kick some ass, only to crumble in the NCAA tournament. This year they're starting strong again, knocking around teams like Arizona State with their womping/scripture stick. However, by the end of the year will they find religion again and play like lambs in the tournament?

17/18. Drake/Saint Mary's- Nikki/Paulo - Does anyone know who any of these teams are? Odds are they'll be buried alive by the 2nd round of the NCAAs.

19. Florida - Richard Alpert - Quietly lurking in the background, this ageless Other has been ignored on countless occasions by Ben, despite his clear connection to the island. Florida, on the other hand, had been largely ignored by the polls but could be the ones that swing the balance of power in the SEC.

20. Pitt - Hurley - Always a nice story, but in the end if they do anything positive we'll all be shocked. As a bonus, Hurley and Aaron Gray weigh the same. However, just like Hurley seems to be a big player in the future, Pitt could become a legit threat once their injured stars (Levance Fields and Mike Cook) come back healthy.

21. Vanderbilt - Michael - At the end of season 2, Michael left the island. At the end of non-conference play, Shan Foster and A.J. Ogilvy disappeared. Though all will probably return, it will be tough to take either of them seriously given the exposure to their weaknesses (in Vandy's case, turnovers and streaky shooting).

Aluminum Gold: Volume Two - Malt Liquors

Laser - In the world of malt liquors, you should generally stay away from anything that doesn’t reference some kind of fierce animal. However, the can’s design alone sets this above every other malt. One sip was like taking a bullet train back to the 80s, fueled by pure testosterone. After two 40s I remembered all the lyrics to "Two Tickets to Paradise" and "Take Me Home Tonight." It was nice.

Rating: Eddie Money.

King Cobra - Possibly the fiercest of all malt liquor logos, I was shocked to find that there is actually very little cobra in the drink itself. Instead it sports an overwhelmingly metallic taste for a 40, similar to say, licking the inside of a VCR. When robots finally control earth, this will be their beverage of choice.

Rating: Aluminum-y.

Olde English High Gravity 800 - Drinking this beer is like finding a sexually aggressive girlfriend. Even if you can handle it, it's best enjoyed out of the public eye so that you aren't labeled a freak. If you can't, you’ll find yourself curled into a ball in the corner of your shower, weeping uncontrollably. Either way, you’ll wake up the next morning questioning your manhood.

Rating: Say my name, bitch!

Colt 45 - The Mike Tyson of beers. Sure, you can laugh at it, but if you don't take it seriously you’re going to get knocked around pretty badly. It goes down smooth, but once it hits your stomach it starts rearranging shit and sucker punching your kidneys. You know who wins when you drink this? No one. What the hell was Billy Dee Williams talking about anyway?

Rating: Abominable.

St. Ide’s High Gravity - Though the name reflects poorly on it, the stylized drawing of a pit bull chewing on a can more than legitimatized this malt liquor for me. It’s got a surprisingly creamy flavor that forces its way down your throat. The can also puts its 8.2% alcohol content right on the label, so you can better understand why you just punched your girlfriend/boyfriend after four pounders.

Rating: Instigating.

Pirates Ink Freddy Sanchez to Extension, Guarantee a Slump Year

Three more years of Pittsburgh women, handsome.

Finally, some news from a team that never disappoints me (namely by never having expectations greater than finishing 5th in their division). The Pirates signed club-footed infielder Freddy Sanchez to a 2 year extension with $11 million guaranteed; if Sanchez hits a proper number of plate appearances in 2009 (doubtful), he'll be locked in to an additional year at $8 million.

At $5.5 million annually, Sanchez will be the Pirates' 3rd highest paid player, behind Matt Morris and Jack Wilson. Take some time and read that sentence again. Morris and Wilson account for nearly 40% of the team's $38 million payroll. Of course, this seems logical when you realize that this is the same team that was offered Phillies slugger Ryan Howard for Kris Benson, straight up, and said "Nah, we're good. We're gonna go with Ty Wigginton instead."

Sanchez, the first Pirate infielder since Bill Madlock (1983) to have consecutive seasons batting over .300 (the hits just keep coming), will make $1.2 million more than Zach Duke, Ian Snell, Paul Maholm, Tom Gorzelanny, Ronny Paulino, Joe Bautista, Matt Capps, and Nate McLouth combined. That's 4/5ths of the starting rotation, their closer, and starting catcher, 3rd baseman, and center fielder.

However, the real question here is now which washed-up free agent will they be able to sign with what little money they have remaining. Ryan Klesko? Jeff Cirillo? Russell Branyan? The suspense is killing all 5 of us remaining Pirates fans.


In other news, Super Bowl XXII never happened. NEVER HAPPENED. For the past two days I've locked myself in my house and played nothing but NCAA Football 2006 for Playstation 2. The result? Vanderbilt 152, Tennessee 7.

Fuck you Philip Fulmer.