Your Super Bowl Alternatives: #3. Too Young to Be a Dad (Lifetime)

Presented by Lifetime and starring that quiet kid from Little Miss Sunshine (or the guy that gets beat to death in There Will Be Blood, if you prefer). The movie description doesn't say anything about spousal/domestic abuse, but since this is Lifetime we'll just assume that there's lots of it.

Sadly, no evidence of this 2002 gem exists on YouTube. Instead, I've embedded a clip of some awful movie starring the world's least sexy woman, Molly Shannon.



God, I hope she gets beaten.

Target Audience: Single moms, neglected moms, beaten moms, eunuchs

Your Super Bowl Alternatives - #2. Major League Eating (Spike TV)

It used to be the the MLE stood for the mid-level exception, the contracts generally awarded to crappy, mid-tier NBA veterans on salary rich teams. No longer. Finally, the sports world has found an event worthy of the prestigious 2-consonant, 1-vowel MLE combination. Behold, Major League Eating.

Since Spike's Thanksgiving based Turkey Bowl eating contest, the network has somehow (brilliantly?) linked gluttony and football. Riding on the coattails of the big game, the MLE will broadcast only during halftime of the Super Bowl, forcing you to choose between which is less disgusting:

Joey Chestnut
or
Tom Petty

It's a tough decision by any stretch. While Petty's music is a slice of Americana, Chestnut is responsible for bringing the mustard belt back to the U.S. I dare you to watch the following video without feeling a pulsing surge of patriotism. In all likelihood, this is why the terrorists hate us.

During the Super Bowl, they'll be eating (green?) eggs and ham, which should result in some awesome reversals. Without the Lingerie Bowl, it is looking like the front-runner to capture the lonely guy halftime market, along with the impressionable-youth-fat-kid market.

One can hope for a merger down the road with the Puppy Bowl producers, as we watch Takeru Kobayashi and Eric "Badlands" Booker chase down and then sloppily devour small animals. Gumbercules, if you could make a photoshop for this that would be exceptional.

Target Audience: Fatties, lonely men, Dr. Seuss.

Your Super Bowl Alternatives: #1. Puppy Bowl (Animal Planet)

Now in HD. Puppy Bowl II garnered as many viewers as the State of the Union Address. Puppy Bowl III somehow got over 5 million people to tune in during its 12 straight hours of broadcast. Meanwhile, the Lingerie Bowl will not be held again this year for multiple reasons. The lesson? People don't care about boobs; unless they're free.

Watch any kid that happens to come across this on cable. Their eyes grow wider and more vacant than a Japanese child playing the latest seizure-inducing video game. If Animal Planet didn't have commercials, you could conceivably leave your kid in front of this for its full 12 hours of viewing and watch the Super Bowl wherever the hell you wanted. Hell, even I'm transfixed;



And, for you sadists/women that don't like dogs; cats at halftime.




And just think - they got 5 million viewers before moving to high-definition. It should only take a few minutes of Bingo, Jackson, and Scuba to melt your girlfriend's parties completely off.


Target Audience; Children, lonely widows, desperate guys, gigglepusses (gigglepi?)