Pirates Ink Freddy Sanchez to Extension, Guarantee a Slump Year

Three more years of Pittsburgh women, handsome.

Finally, some news from a team that never disappoints me (namely by never having expectations greater than finishing 5th in their division). The Pirates signed club-footed infielder Freddy Sanchez to a 2 year extension with $11 million guaranteed; if Sanchez hits a proper number of plate appearances in 2009 (doubtful), he'll be locked in to an additional year at $8 million.

At $5.5 million annually, Sanchez will be the Pirates' 3rd highest paid player, behind Matt Morris and Jack Wilson. Take some time and read that sentence again. Morris and Wilson account for nearly 40% of the team's $38 million payroll. Of course, this seems logical when you realize that this is the same team that was offered Phillies slugger Ryan Howard for Kris Benson, straight up, and said "Nah, we're good. We're gonna go with Ty Wigginton instead."

Sanchez, the first Pirate infielder since Bill Madlock (1983) to have consecutive seasons batting over .300 (the hits just keep coming), will make $1.2 million more than Zach Duke, Ian Snell, Paul Maholm, Tom Gorzelanny, Ronny Paulino, Joe Bautista, Matt Capps, and Nate McLouth combined. That's 4/5ths of the starting rotation, their closer, and starting catcher, 3rd baseman, and center fielder.

However, the real question here is now which washed-up free agent will they be able to sign with what little money they have remaining. Ryan Klesko? Jeff Cirillo? Russell Branyan? The suspense is killing all 5 of us remaining Pirates fans.


In other news, Super Bowl XXII never happened. NEVER HAPPENED. For the past two days I've locked myself in my house and played nothing but NCAA Football 2006 for Playstation 2. The result? Vanderbilt 152, Tennessee 7.

Fuck you Philip Fulmer.

Eli Manning to Tiki Barber: HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!

Great game. For this past Super Bowl we got a great defensive matchup for most of the game then the two offenses picked apart each other's defense methodically in a thrilling last quarter. Tom Brady engineered his game winning drive with a story-book ending touchdown pass to Randy Moss in the corner with less than 3 minutes to play. Unfortunately their defense couldn't hold and Manning put together one of the best one-upper's in SB history. It was great to watch. That not withstanding, the pass from Manning to David Tyree was a prayer. If that gets picked and the Giants lose Manning gets railroaded for breaking under the pressure and regressing to old Eli's ill-advised throws into coverage when it counted. So it goes. Manning's elusiveness on that play was amazing but he threw a jump ball. It went his way. Good for him. The Pats can now enjoy being the second team to finish a season 18-1, but the first among them to NOT win the Super Bowl. Does this mean SportsCenter is going to be looping clips of Mercury Morris rapping about how his now 35 years gone Dolphins are still the best? Why do people insist on paying attention to an annoying, senile, old man?

THE HERBSTREIT: IF YOU LIVED HERE YOU'D BE HOME NOW

River views. New kitchens. Party perfect. Ze Herbstreit. An oasis from the vile obscenity of the human condition.


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For only $3-4 million you can own a deeper connection to your Buckeye roots. It's Dreamboat Kirk's house! That's Kirk E. Herbstreit, aged 38 years, of Onandaga Drive in the Upper Arlington outer borough of Columbus, Ohio. For $1.95 more I could have purchased a detailed report. Isn't the Internet awesome?

Your Super Bowl Alternatives: #4. Breaking the Magician's Code (Fox Reality)

A 5 hour marathon of Breaking the Magician's Code leading up to the Super Bowl, despite the fact that only 4 of these specials were made.









I have to think the Alliance is going to frown on this.

GEORGIA HOUSE PASSES BILL AIDING PRODUCTION OF SOUR GRAPES

Yesterday, Georgia's House of Representatives voted 151-9 to pass a resolution that urges the NCAA to take more of an active role in the postseason competition of Division I-A football, in the form of a national playoff. This, of course has nothing to do with the fact that the Bulldogs finished 11-2 and won the Sugar Bowl against a Hawaii squad erroneously ranked in the top 25, but were not even considered for the national title.

So I'd like to say suck my balls, Georgia, which isn't easy because I don't wear the jorts that give your people such easy access to the crotch region. In no way did the 2007 version of your squad deserve any mythical title recognizing your excellence. In fact, you've a long history of posturing for titles and then being exposed on the national level. Allow me to remind you. Not even all 6 Herschel Walkers could have won that game for you.



Try not losing to a team quarterbacked by Erik Ainge next year.

Songs We Listen to Before Going Out: They Live

We'd like to introduce a new weekly/semi-weekly feature to #2; Songs we listen to before going out. It will chronicle the songs we listen to before drinking, playing sports, or any combination of the two. All suggestions and comments are welcomed.

While not technically a song, I came back from drinking since 5 with every intention of passing out. Then I noticed this 1988 Roddy Piper classic on tv. I was 25 minutes in, the perfect amount. It led me right to this.



And just like that I'm ready to go out again. But that's not all. I present to you Keith David's greatest film moment before he made Jennifer Connelly mankind's hooker next door.



That's right. 6 minutes of the protagonists fighting each other. For no reason. Toss in the idea that the aliens are using humans to create their own climate for a hostile takeover, thereby making Al Gore their primary enemy, and you've got a film that was made way before its time. And starring Rowdy Roddy Piper. Give me a damn beer. I'm ready to drink again.

Grizzlies to Fans: Fuck You.

He's all yours, Los Angeles.

In a completely baffling trade today the Grizzlies, who had only one marketable player on their whole roster (I don't count Darko), traded their one star to the Lakers for the worst #1 overall pick ever (Kwame Brown), a late round, third string point guard (Javaris Crittendon) and two future first round picks that will likely be in the 20s.

As a result, the Lakers add a franchise player to a team with a bonafide superstar (Kobe), a versatile all-star caliber forward (URI product Lamar Odom), a bursting-with-potential young center (Andrew Bynum), and several valuable role players (Fisher, Farmar, Turiaf, Walton, Ariza, even Radmanovic). Meanwhile, the Grizzlies starting lineup will look something like this:

PG - Mike Conley
SG - Mike Miller
SF - Rudy Gay
PF - Kwame Brown
C - Darko Milicic

My God, unless Rudy Gay can start putting up 50 points per game, this squad is in trouble. I don't know if they could beat the University of Memphis right now. To his credit, former Celtics GM Chris Wallace has done a superb job of uniting two of the biggest busts the NBA has seen since 2000. Their combined influence on a team of youngsters can only have a positive effect, right? It'll only be a matter of time before Mike Conley starts whipping no-look passes into the stands and questioning himself.

Clearly, this trade is part of a larger NBA conspiracy to reignite the Celtics-Lakers rivalry from the 80s. At only the expense of two small market teams (Memphis and Minnesota), both teams now look like legit title contenders. Both teams that were fleeced were run by former Celtics employees (Wallace and McHale). This is the only scenario where this trade AND the KG trade make sense, right?

Oh well, I guess it works out for some people.

Everything's coming up Milicic!