#2 best seller

Opposite Day in Pittsburgh: Pirates Trade Prospect for Light-Hitting Veteran

2009-11-04T09:37:00.006-05:00

Thanks to Buccofans.com for this informative history. One day, we'll use it to cry ourselves to sleep...

Apparently 2010 will be different for the Buccos. Pirates fans generally know what to expect when July rolls around - flipping the team's veteran players for prospects. Sometimes it's a shrewd practice that sends out a one year contract veteran to a competing team (Eric Hinske, Mark Redman, Arthur Rhodes) in exchange for some lukewarm prospects, other times it's a complete fire sale shipping out longtime players and former All-Stars (Jason Bay, Jack Wilson, Freddy Sanchez) for slightly better prospects. And sometimes it's a combination of the two (Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton to Chicago for Bobby Hill, Jose Hernandez, and Matt Bruback...)

We gave up Aramis Ramirez for this?

Most of the bad trades were trademarks of the Dave Littlefield era, which ended in 2007. The Neal Huntington era has seen higher profile trades that haven't had enough time to be properly judged. And now this:

Nov. 3, 2009 - RHP Jesse Chavez to Tampa Bay for 2b/3b Akinori Iwamura.

At the very least, it's different.

Welcome to the Pirates. You'll find Tampa and Pittsburgh are very similar cities.

Chavez is a 26 year old reliever who posted an ERA of 4.01 in his team-high 73 appearances and 15 holds. He was arguably the team's third best reliever after John Grabow was traded (for some very average prospects) behind Evan Meek and Steven Jackson. Iwamura, on the other hand, was a touted player coming out of Japan that failed to be more than a placeholder in Tampa. He missed half of last year due to injury, has never hit for power, and never driven in more than 48 RBIs in a season. So why make this trade?

With Meek and Jackson, the Pirates had three right handed middle relievers with limited ceilings on their talent. They sold high on Chavez, who had seemingly the smallest window for Major League success and will now have to prove himself as a pitcher without great stuff in a superior league. Meanwhile, Iwamura plays solid defense, gets on base, hits around .270-.300, and is an unselfish teammate, as evidenced when he quietly moved from 3rd base to 2nd to allow Evan Longoria to start. Does that sound familiar to Pirates fans?

To me, THIS MAN is the face of the Pirates. That's the most depressing thing I've ever written here...

Yes, in this deal the Buccos have essentially brought back the Japanese hybrid Freddy Sanchez/Jack Wilson. Iwamura, if healthy, will probably bat around .270, hit 10 home runs, and drive in 50 RBIs. Not great production, but with solid defense he can be a contributor to the team. What's more telling is the Pirates' lack of confidence in their free agency skills.

Iwamura was set to be bought out of the final year of his contract by the Rays for $650,000. Instead, the Buccos swooped in with this trade, keeping the contract valid, and ensuring Iwamura's $4.85 million to be paid in 2010. If Huntington wanted to gamble, he could have let Iwamura become a free agent, offered him more than market value, and still likely saved ~$2 million or so. Akinori isn't exactly hot property right now.

But instead, the Pirates got their replacement at second base, and he'll make nearly twice as much as their 2nd most highly paid player, Paul Maholm. Iwamura will make twice as much as the Bucs entire outfield corps (5 players) in 2010. In fact, he'll make more than the entire infield - combined (8 players!).

The cornerstone of the franchise makes 1/12th what Iwamura will make...that might come up around contract extension time.

The Pirates are sending a message that they're willing to pay for the right players. Unfortunately, Iwamura doesn't fit that bill.

The Pacers Season Ticket Experiment: Game 2

2009-11-03T11:46:00.004-05:00

The lower and club levels a minute after tipoff...you don't want to see the balcony...

Oh...boy. Well, on the plus side, the ticket office will probably have some sweet promotions to offset this mess.

Game Two of my season ticket package was last night against 2009 Western Conference Finalists Denver. Though it was a Tuesday, you'd think players like Carmelo Anthony and Chauncey Billups would help fill an arena. In fact, the Nuggets themselves are like a classroom of life's bad examples. 'Melo could be especially useful for parents trying to teach their children the virtues of not snitching, Kenyon Martin could teach children how to respectfully deal with the mothers of your peers, Anthony Carter could lecture on reading comprehension during contract talks, and Chris Andersen could share his views on crystal meth and their effects on the athlete. But no one was buying it...and the Pacers didn't show anything that would keep the fans coming back.

That's Professor Andersen to you, son.

Indiana continued their slide by playing terrible basketball. Much like the home opener, they lost a key big man when Troy Murphy went out with a back injury in the first half. Roy Hibbert, Solomon Jones, and Josh McRoberts were unable to pick up the slack, giving up lots of offensive rebounds and second chance points. Brandon Rush and Danny Granger both failed to hit their shots and had trouble getting anything going in the pain, and T.J. Ford forced the action too much at point guard, often ruining fast breaks by dribbling into defenders or taking contested jumpers.

Granger picks up his second straight A"F"G Award for awful 3-pt shooting (2-10).

The Hibbert/Jones rotation at center is rigid and mostly ineffective - Hibbert did most of his damage in garbage time. O'Brien would be better suited playing smaller at times - this team is stocked with quick guards, and a lineup of Murphy/Granger/Rush/Dahntay Jones/Ford could put up some points and not get too abused defensively against teams without major low-post threats (you know...like Denver...).

The highlight of the game was probably the fans in my section. Between the foreigners who were just excited to be at an NBA game (cheering even Roy Hibbert's airballed layup) and the high school kids whose hero worship of Josh McRoberts was audible all the way down to the court in a mostly vacant Fieldhouse, at least they kept it interesting. Hopefully those guys will be there for weekend games too, so I can get drunk enough to be excited about Josh McRoberts with them (or even Travis Diener).

Next game: 11/6 vs. Washington

Level of excitement: 3/5 (Friday night game...a banner raising for Mel Simon...sounds good)

(Editor's note: level of excitement for Pacers games depicted by Achewood characters along with a scale of 1-5)

The Pacers Season Ticket Experiment: Game 1 (Home opener)

2009-11-03T10:40:00.015-05:00

I didn't mean Packers...should I have?

Season opener! Pacers! Heat!

The return of Jermaine O'Neal! A gimpy Danny Granger! A half full arena! A free Third Eye Blind concert outdoors in the pouring rain! Can basketball in Indiana get any better than this?

Yes. Yes it can.

Thanks to the rain and congestion due to the Pacers block party (featuring 3EB playing inside what looked like would have been a pretty crowded tent...if only more than 100 people showed up), it took a solid 45 minutes to drive the approximate mile from my office to the Conseco Fieldhouse. Rather than wait around for the concert in weather that would have made a circus depressing, we decided to get drinks and food nearby. In fact, one of the best things about the Fieldhouse is its proximity to decent bars downtown.

Unlike most other modern arenas that are surrounded by opportunistic restaurants/bars/grilles that have jacked up prices, you can drink pretty cheaply about a block from the Fieldhouse (~$2.50.beer). For the two hours before the tip, we put down dinner and ten drinks for about $40 after tip at Coaches', which always has good music and lots of TVs. Sadly, however, this meant that we'd miss the Third Eye Bling encore set, which I assume would have just been "How's it Gonna Be?" three times in a row, followed by some polite applause and the teenage version of myself trying to figure out how to put it on a mix tape for this girl I know.

Actually, that's not a bad parallel for this Pacers season...

It's like they sing the words my heart can't say! Also, is that Paul Rudd?

The game itself seemed to be a bad omen for the Pacers' season. The team fell into a repeated pattern of falling behind, then using spurts to get back into the game, and then falling into a deeper hole. Key players disappeared for extended periods - Troy Murphy pulled down 12 rebounds in the first half, and then faded into the background for the 2nd. Brandon Rush couldn't find his shot and barely played due to foul trouble. And Danny Granger found himself the focus of the Miami defense and put up an Alex Gordon-esque 12 three-pointers, many in bad situations. And much like Alex Gordon would have, he only made three of these.

Danny Granger: Winner of the first ever Alex "Fucking" Gordon award for Poor Decision Making.

Solomon Jones and Roy Hibbert split the minutes at Center, contributing 12 rebounds...and 11 fouls. They made Jermaine O'Neal look like he was 25 again, giving up 22 and 12 to him in just 32 minutes on the court. And T.J. Ford was...invisible. I honestly have no recollection of him having any impact on the game, positively or negatively. The only bright spot was Luther Head's play, and although he's a bit of a gunner and makes bad decisions, he's still a rotation caliber NBA player who can score and play defense.

So it was a bad start to the season with few silver linings. The team looks worse than last year, and improving on 36 wins seems...unlikely. But on the plus side, at least the team gave out free flags to hang off your car window for your depressing drives home from the Fieldhouse!

Thanks, Pacers! I feel better about my season ticket investment already!

Next game: vs. Denver 11/3 (Tonight...yeah I know that this is late as hell...)

Level of Excitement: 2/5

(Editor's note: level of excitement for Pacers games depicted by Achewood characters along with a scale of 1-5)

Did the Slumping Economy Save the Celtics 2010 Season?

2009-10-21T09:56:00.009-04:00

Carl Everett proved that Boston fans love crazy...until you assault an ump/ref. The bar is set pretty low, 'Sheed!

First off, this is all speculation. No one knows how the 2010 Celtics will gel together, especially with the additions of Rasheed Wallace and Marquis Daniels, along with Rajon Rondo playing without an extension after getting ripped by his GM this offseason. What we do know is that the experts and scouts at ESPN like their chances this year - half chose them to make it to the NBA Finals this year out of a talented Eastern Conference.

The logic there makes sense. This was a team that won a NBA Championship 2 years ago and was a fierce opponent in the regular season before losing Kevin Garnett. Now Garnett is back, and the team has addressed its biggest weakness by reloading the bench with Sheed, 'Quisy, and re-signing Glen "Big Baby" Davis. It leaves the Celtics rotation looking like this:

C - Perkins/Wallace
PF - Garnett/Davis
SF - Pierce/Daniels (will also share PG role)
SG - Allen/House (PG role)
PG - Rondo/

While still thin in the backcourt, it is a major upgrade over last year's bench, especially after Leon Powe was lost for the postseason. That team was forced to start Big Baby in Garnett's absence, and play Brian Scalabrine (!) meaningful minutes at the 4 and 5, while occasionally ceding PG duties to a half-crazed Stephon Marbury. How were they able to pull that off with $58 million tied up in salary for the "Three Amigos" and the NBA's salary cap at $57.7 million in 2010?

Not pictured - Brian Scalabrine

Thrifty shopping, a solid use of exceptions, and decreased market value of players made this team possible. Essentially, in locking up Daniels, Davis, and Wallace, they secured three players that would likely have gotten Mid-Level Exception deals in the economic climate of 2006 for under $11 million, a savings of approximately $7 million to the deal. Additionally, the use of free agency exceptions ($5.8m mid-level for 'Sheed, $1.99m biannual for Daniels) allowed the team to reload with free agents despite being well over the cap.

But how did the economy play a role? Let's take a look at the caliber of player that was signing these deals just three years ago.

In 2006, the key Mid-level exception signings ($5.2 million) were:

Vlad Radmanovic - Lakers
Jerome James – Knicks (A possible exception due to Isiah Thomas’s awfulness as GM)
Tim Thomas - Suns
Nazr Mohammed - Pistons

In 2008, these signings ($5.5m) were:

DeSagana Diop - Dallas
Chris Duhon - New York
James Posey - New Orleans
Beno Udrih - Sacramento

It appears that both Wallace and Davis would have fit into past trends on MLE players; Wallace an aging post presence with a stout defensive base, and Davis an up-and-coming big man with unexplored potential and a solid background. In 2006 – and possibly 2008, either player would have been worth about $6 million per year. In fact, the argument could be made that in a more competitive market, Wallace would have been worth between $8-10 million due to his status in the league – although his talent is clearly on the decline. Would a 32-year-old Rasheed be worth $8m/year for 4 years? In 2006, it would be a feasible argument.

What about Daniels? $2 million per seems awfully low for a player who averaged nearly 14 points per game while filling roles all over the court. Daniels was a key factor in setting up the Pacers’ offense with his slashing drive, and rebounded and defended well in Indiana – could he have gotten more on the market? Let’s look at players who were in similar situations in 2006:

Similar Contracts:

Melvin Ely ($3.3m) – Bobcats
Flip Murray ($3.5m over 2 years) – Pistons
Jackie Butler (7m over 3 years) – Spurs
Aaron Williams ($3.6m over 2 years) – Clippers
Shammond Williams ($1.75m) – Lakers

Similar Players:

Anthony Parker ($12m over 3 years) - Raptors
Fred Jones ($11m over 3 years) – Raptors

The Jones signing has several parallels to Daniels – a former athletic Pacers guard who looked good in short minutes, has a spotty reputation for shooting the 3, and can play the 1/2/3 positions. Though Daniels put up better numbers in their respective contract years, he’ll be making a little over half what Fred Jones made. Maybe part of that is the premium for playing on a winning team, but it’s still a deep discount to play in Boston.

Bargains were a key to the 2008 championship in Boston as well. Danny Ainge took a huge gamble in banking on a 2nd year player to lead his team from the point guard position. A huge factor in that decision was Rondo's rookie scale contract, which made throwing the young player into the fire a more palatable choice than trading for a higher priced veteran. The risk paid off – the team won a championship and Rondo built on that confidence and appears to only be getting better after a near triple double in last year's playoffs.

But…what if?

Let's say the economy doesn’t tank, and the NBA is still a league reliant on bloated contracts. Players like Zaza Pachulia, Hakim Warrick, Linas Kleiza, and Ramon Sessions, are commanding the full MLE in a weak free agent crop. This inflation is prevalent in most contracts, just like in 2006. What do the Celtics get with their exceptions? Two possible scenarios:

Rasheed gets the MLE (leaving money on the table to play in Boston), Davis leaves in free agency to another team willing to offer him the full MLE, and the Biannual exception goes to…Anthony Carter?
Davis is locked up for the full MLE, Sheed goes to Cleveland, and the Biannual exception goes to…Jarron Collins?

He could be needlessly fouling people in a whole different uniform!

In both hypotheticals, the outcome is clear – the Celtics end up being a team that only goes seven deep with quality players, instead of nine. Their fourth big is still Brian Scalabrine, and their depth at the 1/2/3 is still questionable, leading to more minutes for Tony Allen and more Celtics fans committing acts of violence from watching him play. The good players that they fail to sign just reinforce their competitors, and the starters have to play more in the regular season because of an inferior bench and leave themselves open to fatigue.

Like 2008, they stand one bad injury away from losing a title shot. However, thanks to the tanking financials of the 2010 NBA season, they’re reloaded with the strongest team (on paper) that they’ve had since the Bird era. So if you’re a Boston fan, the recession isn’t so bad; it’s the rebound you need to keep an eye on.

The Pacers Season Ticket Experiment: Game #2

2009-10-20T14:34:00.014-04:00

Danny Granger: If he gets injured, the team moves to Omaha.

After missing the first game in my season ticket package, I finally got out to see the other preseason home game in my package - Pacers/Rockets. Last Friday the former Western Conference contenders (is it out of line to assume that they'll be lottery bound this year without Yao, Artest, and McGrady?) came to Indiana for game 4 of their preseason schedule. One the Pacers side of things, there were no fancy promotions or ticket sales, just the standard pre-game email with the starting lineups, which seem to finally be rounding into season opener shape. Our starters?

PG - TJ Ford

SG - Brandon Rush

SF - Danny Granger

PF - Troy Murphy

C - Roy Hibbert

Not bad. Young and possibly a little injury prone, but not bad. Our arena?

To be fair, at least 20 more fans trickled in after the tipoff...

Not full. Not remotely. Which is great if you're trying to figure out each replacement referee's accent during foul calls from the balcony. Not as great if you're one of the Pacers staffers in charge of hyping up the fans. At one point, we had a 7 person hype crew come to our section, only to realize that they outnumbered us before leaving quietly.

Come on Pacer fans, get LOUD!

I'd estimate maybe 3,000 people attended the game. And this was a beautiful Friday night. It was so bad that the scalpers were still trying to sell tickets as a I left midway through the 3rd quarter. As for the game? Well the game was good, and hopefully an indicator of the Pacers play this year.

O'Brien-ball was in effect throughout the first half with fast breaks, strong ball movement, and solid 3-pt shooting propelling the Pacers to a big first half lead. Of particular note, the Pacers did two things that they'll need to do in order to win games this year:

1. Set up T.J. Ford as a playmaker, but ensure that he doesn't waste too much time dribbling down the shot clock without passing - last year, this led to way too many fall away jumpers as the shot clock expired. The T.J. I saw on Friday was more committed on defense and wasn't trying to force the offense. We'll see if it holds up.

2. Let Brandon Rush develop some confidence in his shot - In this offense, Rush needs to do two things - replace some of the slashing to the basket that Marquis Daniels did, and - more importantly - be a marksman from 3-pt range. The Rush I saw Friday pulled the trigger on his open shots, and looked more confident than the rookie version.

As usual, Granger and Murphy were solid, and are still options 1 and (a distant) 2 offensively for this team. Roy Hibbert looked very similar to how he looked last year - invisible at times, but occasionally proficient at others. As a team, the rebounding was weak - Houston's 24 offensive rebounds despite not playing anyone taller than 6-9 will attest to that. Meanwhile, the Pacers were led on the glass by 6-0 T.J. Ford and 6-3 Luther Head. Yikes.

That little guy? Leading rebounder.

Speaking of Head, he looked pretty good out there. Strong defender and a good shooter, although when Dunleavy returns he'll likely be dropped out of the rotation. Still, it's nice to see him playing his ass off for a spot. Solomon Jones, on the other hand, didn't impress anyone, although he had a couple of nice blocks when he wasn't busy not rebounding.

The arena entertainment was pretty standard, although the brass band wasn't there, you had your usual Boomer-based entertainment (but no Bowser), Pacemates dancing, and a couple giveaways. Nothing great.

I left with the team protecting a 20 point lead in the 2nd half, lamenting yet another game without a Travis Diener appearance. All in all, the game was a nice debut to watch. This team can score, and if they can hold teams to 100 points per game, they'll win more than most people thought. A playoff push isn't out of the question, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Still, they'll take down a few good teams along the way - hell, they did it last year.

Next home game: 10/30 vs. Miami Heat (Season Opener!)

Level of Excitement: 4/5

Editor's Note: Levels of excitement depicted by Achewood characters on a 1-5 ranking.

What Could Have Been – The Banning (and Unbanning) of the American Kickboxing Academy from the UFC

2009-10-16T15:41:00.000-04:00

2008 was a banner year for the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Their expansion and dominance over the world of mixed martial arts had never been more prevalent, as their biggest mainstream competitors – PRIDE FC and Elite XC – had been run out of commission in the past two years. To cap it all off, the company promised a groundbreaking UFC video game for release in early 2009 that would further push the sport into the mainstream. However, this expansion led to turmoil within the UFC.

While the gameplay development went relatively smoothly, the organization ran into some major concerns with fighter likenesses and usage rights. Some of these issues were minor – Clay Guida could not be included because animating his hair caused problems with the game’s physics formulas – but there was one major problem. The UFC was asking for its contracted fighters to sign contracts allowing the company lifetime usage of their image for promotional purposes. While many fighters, including UFC lifers Chuck Liddell and Georges St. Pierre, acquiesced with little conflict, welterweight contender Jon Fitch did not.

Clay Guida’s hair, completely unprogramable.

Fitch, coming off a UFC 87 loss to champion St. Pierre, was upset with the contract and refused to sign. Why? “Because it asked me for a lifetime contract for the video games, so they would have exclusive rights to use our likeness for these video games and we couldn't go and do any other video games ever again in our lifetime." Those are Fitch’s words, which seem reasonable enough, especially when he also claims that the contract wouldn’t have paid the fighters for the use of their likenesses. The UFC was in a bind – it had promised all of its fighters to game publisher THQ, and now stood to face some embarrassment, but this was something that could be worked out with a little more communication, right?

Well, no, not immediately. Jon Fitch, who had gone 8-1 in the UFC and was widely considered the second best fighter in the world in his weight class, had his contract voided by the UFC. And then the UFC cut all the guys he trained with for showing solidarity in contract talks. In essence, president Dana White banned anyone who trained at the American Kickboxing Academy (AKA) in San Jose, California, from fighting in the promotion.

Quit smiling, jackass, Dana says you're fired.

Less than 24 hours later, things were resolved. Fitch and his AKA teammates were back on the roster after a talk with UFC co-owner Lorenzo Fertitta, and they signed the video game agreement, apparently without any changes to the contract’s language. Just like that, things were back in order, and the Ultimate Fighting juggernaut rolled on. But what would have happened if the AKA remained exiled from the UFC?

The major fighters in question here make up the bulk of the UFC’s top tier of welterweights – Fitch, Mike Swick, and Josh Koscheck – respectively ranked second, fourth, and seventh in the division in BloodyElbow’s consensus rankings, would have been cut from the UFC, and in this instance, let’s assume they would be blackballed from the promotion for several years. These fighters would likely have been snatched up by Affliction or possibly Strikeforce, and then probably had their contracts optioned to Strikeforce after Affliction closed up shop and turned back into a t-shirt company for guys who can’t wear clothing without skulls on it. This also assumes that these American fighters would prefer to stay at home rather than fight in Japan with Dream (who would develop a relationship with Strikeforce in later years) or Sengoku (a long shot for elite fighters).

It is also interesting to think of what may have happened if Affliction snapped up these contracts. Could Fitch, Swick, and Koscheck have revived Affliction? It seems unlikely, as their methods of overpaying fighters, having long, uneven breaks between events, and a severe lack of depth or dedicated fanbase had doomed the promotion from the start. For the sake of argument, let's assume that even if these fighters went to Tom Atencio’s promotion, they would have ended up in Strikeforce afterwards.

More skulls! I want so many skulls that Ed Hardy craps himself when he sees this shirt!

Now, all of the sudden, Strikeforce has one of the best welterweight lineups in MMA, with Fitch, Swick, and Koscheck battling for the belt with Jake Shields (assuming he’d stay at welterweight), Nick Diaz, and Jay Hieron. The added attention to the 170 pound division may also have put pressure on the company to pick up Paul Daley’s option from Affliction rather than let him jump to the UFC. The top 5 welterweights in either promotion would look like this:

UFC (BE Rank) Strikeforce (BE Rank)

Georges St. Pierre (1) Jake Shields (6)
Thiago Alves (3) Jon Fitch (2)
Matt Hughes (4t) Josh Koscheck (4t)
Carlos Condit (8) Mike Swick (7)
Dan Hardy/Paulo Thiago (12/10) Paul Daley/Nick Diaz (9/18)

What was once a major gap in competition between the two groups is now much closer, and Strikeforce has the juice to either stage some big PPVs or fill up a nationally televised fight card. With their solid management and blue collar style, the UFC would see one of the most credible threats it has ever dealt with (behind only PRIDE in terms of overall talent and depth).

The only other notable fighter that would have been dropped in the equation is quickly rising heavyweight Cain Velasquez. Velasquez is the kind of fighter that Strikeforce loves – a young, hard fighting prospect from California that can rise to prominence, and then become too expensive to resign. However, given the company’s recent acquisition of Fedor Emelianenko they’ve shown a willingness to spend money on heavyweight talent. That would reshape the heavyweight division to look like this:

UFC (BE Rank) Strikeforce (BE Rank)

Brock Lesnar (2) Fedor Emelianenko (1)
Minotauro Nogueira (3) Brett Rogers (8)
Frank Mir (4) Andrei Arlovski (10)
Shane Carwin (7) Cain Velasquez (11)
Couture/Dos Santos (12/10) Overeem/Werdum (12/13)

While the UFC still has the edge, there’s a lot of interesting matchups to be made in this fictional Strikeforce division. Maybe even enough to get Overeem back to America to defend the belt that he hasn’t even looked at since 2007. Of course, this fails to look at the glaring holes in Strikeforce’s light heavyweight (major gaps) and lightweight (minor gaps) divisions, but these deficiencies could have been temporarily filled with more women’s title fights (an option the UFC doesn’t have) while the company reloads.

We need you to fight every time one of our divisions craps out. Think you can be a distraction?

All in all, if the UFC dropped AKA, it could have been a costly move. While Strikeforce has emerged as a legitimate threat in the past year, the ability to sign guys like Fitch, Koscheck, Swick, and Velasquez, would have been a coup for them, and given the company some notable headliners – which would have helped them sell tickets at the gate and possibly develop their network deal with CBS even faster. Though some might say that Strikeforce couldn’t afford these fighters, the deal with Fedor completed after the collapse of Affliction shows otherwise. The company is showing new signs of life, which was necessary to fill the void left by countless competitors in attempting to become an elite fighting promotion in the United States.

So the UFC made the right decision in bringing these fighters back. White’s strongarm technique worked, getting his guys to sign their contracts without seemingly losing anything on his end but a little goodwill. And if there’s one thing Dana’s public battles with fighters like Tito Ortiz and Randy Couture have shown, goodwill is only a minor negotiating ploy in the world of mixed martial arts.

Dammit Kareem!

2009-10-16T15:37:00.004-04:00

At the very least, he remembered he was in the movie, right?

This is disappointing. Here's Kareem Abdul-Jabbar completely botching the most memorable thing he's ever done off the basketball court (his guest appearance on Full House doesn't count, because he was technically on a court while teaching Uncle Jesse how to play). And yet, despite this memorable stupidity, he still has double the money of CNN anchor Soledad O'Brien.

Breaking Down the Henderson/Cerrone Fight

2009-10-14T12:56:00.005-04:00

Well that doesn't look too bad after --- Gaaaaaaaaaah...

The WEC showcased once again why it deserves to stick around Saturday night with yet another superb headline fight. The Benson Henderson/Donald Cerrone scrap was another in a long line of stellar battles, but probably the first one not taking place in the bantam/flyweight divisions in a while (discounting Cerrone/Varner from last year). There's no doubt this was a war where both fighters improved their stock, but some controversy has come up regarding the decision.

After escaping at least five deep submission attempts that seemed destined to make him tap, Henderson was declared the winner on all three cards, 48-47, through use of controlling wrestling and strong striking from the top. Many experts, such as the boys over at Sherdog, had the fight the other way for Cerrone. In all cases, the consensus seems to be that Henderson clearly won rounds 2 & 3, while Cerrone took the championship rounds (4 & 5). The cause of the controversy is the opening stanza, which was not only evenly contested, but difficult to score due to the difference in styles between the two fighters.

Ben Henderson, shown here not tapping, in what would be a theme for the night.

The round started with a missed kick and slip by Cerrone, which opened the door for attack. Henderson, however, overzealously rushed in and left him self open for a tight guillotine. Cerrone held this for about a minute before transitioning to a triangle choke that, while not terribly deep, could have been enough to drop a potentially gassed opponent. The only problem is that Henderson wasn't gassed, and after punching his way out of the hold, bounced to his feet looking as fresh as when the round started, despite having spent the solid part of two minutes being choked. He then took Cerrone down and controlled him from the top for the last 2 minutes of the round, squashing any offense or escape attempts Cerrone attempted. Judges, and the folks over at BloodyElbow, presumably scored the round 10-9 for Henderson, while others gave Cerrone the 10-9 edge. This would be a deciding factor in a fight that many scored 38-38 afterwards.

Some will point to the fact that Cerrone's submissions won the round for him. At no point did Ben Henderson have a shot of ending this fight in the first round, while Cerrone made it look like the fight would be over within 2 minutes via tapout. However, Henderson never appeared remotely concerned with the submission attempts, as even when his neck was in a tight guillotine, he calmly and slowly worked his way out and back to his feet. This was a recurring theme of the night, as Henderson often found his arms being put in directions not meant for human limbs, but calmly escaping rather than tapping.

Flash back between this picture and the one above for 25 mins, and you have a pretty good idea of how the fight went...

After Cerrone failed to get the tap, he was controlled by Henderson, who rained down blows on his opponent. In this, Henderson showed to be slightly more effective in the round than Cerrone. While the submission attempts scored points, they proved no more effective than a wrestler taking down an opponent and working his lay'n'pray. When Henderson got out, he controlled Cerrone in a less dominant fashion, but was able to inflict a little more damage with his strikes. As a result, it appeared that Henderson was the more effective fighter in Round 1, and deserving of the 10-9 nod.

However, it's easy to see how the round could be looked at differently. The subjectivity ofscoring is one of the great things about MMA - how do you score a submission attempt vs. effective punches? Ground'n'pound vs. leg kicks? Takedowns vs. offense from the guard? Henderson/Cerrone is a great example of this, and the discussion it raises is one of the better aspects of MMA, even if fighters occasionally get screwed as a result.

So where does the WEC go from here? It has lost its biggest potential lightweight bout in a rematch between hated rivals Jamie Varner and Donald Cerrone, at least for a few months. That fight would have been the easiest to sell, but I think the outcome of Saturday night's fight helps the WEC in the long run. Henderson gets promoted to top tier status, and he shouldn't be too hard to sell. He's an interesting guy who can sell an interview, and his walkout music has been "Our God (Is an Awesome God)." Since the two have trained together in the past, there are a lot of different ways to frame the kid and make his title unification fight with Varner a big deal. You know, if Varner is actually healthy in the near future. To be fair, he'll have more time to recover as Henderson will need time to recover from his injuries sustained in this fight.

As for Cerrone? He'll probably get a mid level up and comer (maybe Shane Roller?) in his next fight, and a deserved shot at the belt if he wins. That title shot will be a big money card for the WEC - either the Cerrone/Varner deathmatch everyone had been hoping for, or a rematch of last Saturday's potential Fight of the Year. At any rate, the WEC is in a good position, providing the UFC doesn't fold them first.

Off Topic: Resurrecting a Failure That Isn't a Boston Sports Franchise

2009-10-12T12:31:00.011-04:00

Of course Kim Jong-Il is sports related. Have you SEEN the man golf?

In our continuing interest in the failures of others, let’s step outside the realm of sports for a while. If you’ve lived in Pyongyang, North Korea in the past two decades (and it’s safe to assume that you probably haven’t, seeing as free press isn’t a priority there – and the estimated readership of this blog hovers around 2-3 people a month – you’ve no doubt felt a sinister presence casting a shadow down upon you. Beyond Kim Jong-Il’s militant grip, you’ve been forced to live with the presence of the world’s greatest architectural failure for nearly 20 years.

The Ryugyong Hotel: because the name “Mount Doom” was already trademarked.

The Ryugyong Hotel is an engineering marvel; not for its structure or design elements, but for the fact that it cost 2% of North Korea’s gross domestic product (GDP) and has remained uninhabited – and largely untouched – throughout the 90s and into the new millennium. Esquire has called it “The Worst Building in the History of Mankind.” North Korea essentially denied its existence for over 15 years and airbrushed it out of official state photos. But it’s tough to ignore a 1,000 foot skyscraper, especially when it completely dominates your capital’s skyline.

Giant Pyramid? Nope, we don't have one of those.

The building itself was designed as a kneejerk reaction to the South Korean designed Westin Stamford in Singapore, which had opened in 1986 as the world’s tallest hotel. In the midst of Cold War tensions, North Korea cleared the way for a hotel to be built that stood almost 300 feet taller, despite several flaws throughout the planning process, including major funding and construction issues. $750 million and several work stoppages later, the building sat empty and windowless, stretching out over Pyongyang like an abandoned tomb.

The exterior is dull concrete, ensuring that the building, even if finished, will be an eyesore. In 2008, an Egyptian company revived a 20 year hiatus of bad decision making to renovate the hotel, adding windows and cell phone towers to the structure, despite the fact that North Korea expressly forbids its citizens to carry cell phones. The new construction seems like a clear ploy to essentially monopolize cell phone business in the country, but that’s a pretty big gamble when you consider that the man you have to clear your business plan with is completely insane.

Renovations include the addition of a Death Laser and several missile silos

The design of the building itself is a spatial nightmare. Assuming that land in Pyongyang – the national capital – is extremely valuable, the Ryugyong Hotel would have been a waste of space even if it were running at full capacity. Aside from dominating the city’s skyline, the building also makes little use of its three pronged pyramid shaped design, leaving plenty of wasted space across a large plot of land. Additionally, who would be the target audience to fill this hotel? Pyongyang is the heart of a military state with few tourists. While discos, restaurants, and casinos would bring in a few people, it is doubtful that they would have been able to sustain prolonged business for a hotel so large in a city of only two million without outside travel.

According to Korean officials, the building is slated for completion by 2012, only 23 years behind schedule. But at an estimated cost of up to $2 billion to be made fully inhabitable, it seems unlikely. And honestly, I don’t want to see it finished. Dress it up if you want, but let’s face it - when the apocalypse begins it will be headquartered at the Ryugyong Hotel. And a working hotel that happens to be the 3^rd largest in the world? That’s interesting, I guess. But not nearly as interesting as the Worst Building in the History of the World.

Here’s to more Korean failures to come.

The Pacers Season Ticket Experiment: Failure #1

2009-10-07T10:19:00.005-04:00

One game in, one set of wasted tickets. That's how things have gone so far.

With the Pacers opening up their season October 2nd, I was instead in Nashville, Tennessee watching my Dores get pounded by a mediocre Ole Miss team. So what did I miss?

Josh McRoberts dunks while getting a squeezer from John Salmons.

Well, not too much, actually. A Tyrus Thomas concussion (part of me is concerned for a guy who was becoming a threat with his mid-range game in the Celtics series last year, while the other part thinks he's just a talented punk who'll never get his dead straight), a Solomon Jones start (solid, if underwhelming, but they've had worse backup centers), four Roy Hibbert fouls compared to just 5 rebounds, and...well

this

Either Derrick Byars has put on a ton of weight and developed Vitiligo since he played at Vanderbilt, or ESPN has somehow confused him with Kevin Love. Still, it's nice to see him back in America, even if he did shoot 4-11 in the opener. With Shan Foster in Turkey and Langhi and Frejie still in Puerto Rico, it looks like Derrick's the most likely Vandy alum to be playing in the bigs this year.

So now I have 2 weeks until the next game, since the Pacers will be over in Asia playing a couple of preseason games. It must be nice for those kids in Taipei to see their idols Troy Murphy, Earl Watson, and Dahntay Jones play in person. Meanwhile, the Fieldhouse is bracing for another sellout from the WNBA Finals, as the Fever play someone for...something.

This is more exciting than anything I saw at the playoff game I went to.

As the excitement for the Fever builds, it's going to be interesting seeing how it affects the expectations for the Pacers season. The dropoff from sold-out WNBA(!) playoff games to a season opener at 75% (or less) capacity will hopefully send a big message to Messieurs Simon and Bird. The team recently sent out an online survey to gauge fan interest and - of course - at least three player names were misspelled.

It doesn't bode well for the season.

Next Home Game: 10/16 vs Houston

Level of Excitement: 1/5

(Editor's note: level of excitement for Pacers games depicted by Achewood characters along with a scale of 1-5)

The Pacers Season Ticket Experiment

2009-10-02T09:59:00.012-04:00

They came last week.

Direct from FedEx and left on the floor in front of my office (Thanks, reception, that's much more convenient than a desk or mailbox). A thick envelope with 86 tickets inside. Each set of 5 had a different player for each ticket - Danny Granger (All-star), Troy Murphy and TJ Ford (decent, but unspectacular), and finally Brandon Rush and Roy Hibbert (hopeful, but mediocre, 2nd year players). Emblazoned with a font and style that looked like a throwback to the early 90s - a better time...a Miller time - my Pacers season tickets had arrived.

Admittedly, this isn't my first go around with the Pacers. When I first moved to Indianapolis, I called up the ticket office almost immediately, assuming that I was probably too late to get a half season. Of course I was wrong - for about $30/seat I picked up a pair of tickets in the first row of the balcony for 21 games. The purpose was to take people from my new office to games as a way to get to know them...only I grossly overestimated the popularity of the Pacers, as Indianapolis, much like the rest of the country, seems indifferent to them these days.

They gave these seats away several games last year. It was still lonely.

So why re-up for this year? A love of half-empty arenas? The desire to watch T.J. Ford dribble down the shot clock before taking a fade-away 20 foot jumper? Because the Fieldhouse has the closest Quaker Steak this side of Columbus? No, no, and at $15 for a small bucket of wings, absolutely not.

After seeing the scores of downtrodden scalpers outside Conseco last year, I decided that I could scalp tickets and pick and choose my games for a fraction of the cost, and that's what I would do this year. For me to re-up my tickets, the Pacers would have to do 3 things:

1. Drop prices considerably.

2. Give me tons of extra tickets, upgraded seats, cool giveaways, and free booze.

3. Have Rasho Nesterovic personally call me every morning to read me the Pacers team pledge so I could start my day.

Rasho Nesterovic: Poet, Nobleman, Lover.

Well, 2 out of 3 aren't bad. For $100 less than last year's 1/2 season, I could get a full season this year, plus a parking pass and other benefits just for moving 2 rows back. In 2008, the team gave away lower section tickets for the last 13 home games, allowing me to either upgrade my seats or attend games outside my plan. In fact, just for showing up to the games that I already had tickets for (!), the Pacers treated me to courtside seats for a game against the Spurs and a free dinner in their Legends club for another game. In fact, for a piddling 1/2 season ticket holder in the balcony, they treated me extremely well.

So I was sold. For $1200 I bought back in and re-upped to a full season. For a 36-46 team that lost two of its best guards, has their 2nd best player injured indefinitely, and drafted a scrappy white guy from the ACC, who - when healthy - will duplicate the role of the other scrappy white guy from the ACC that they already have.

Shuuuuh...

Hurrrrrrrrrh?

At least the Pacers were good at home last year. This year, I'll be chronicling all my interactions with the team - a birds eye view of what it's like to be a season ticket holder for a struggling team in a mid-major market with one superstar and a collection of role players. I'll post for every home game - along with an index of my excitement, promotions, upgrades, and my love of the PaceMates.

Welcome Back

2009-10-02T09:33:00.005-04:00

It's been about a year of inactivity between posts. Sorry about that. In the meantime, we've all matriculated to new places - I got my masters and moved from Nashville to Indianapolis. Gumbercules got his masters and moved from Pittsburgh to Wisconsin. And Ernie is probably still doing something gay like medical school or some other form of letting his family down.

But, more importantly, having a real job has not only helped dig me out of poverty slightly, but also given me the boredom and lack of focus to get back to posting. The constant distractions of the women in our office talking about Twilight and their muffin tops now give me ample time to reflect on the sports world...and ultimately make fun of it. Hopefully, I plan on posting 2-3 times a day, focusing on basketball, football, MMA, and Alex (fucking) Gordon. Even more hopefully, Gumbercules and Ernie will return as well to make this place a little more comprehensive.

Look for a new feature coming soon. And enjoy this picture of the Turkish league's finest player in the interim:

#2 Best Seller: The only website written in English that still talks about Alex Gordon.

2009-08-28T11:14:00.000-04:00

2009-08-28T10:31:00.002-04:00

I hate life.

2008-04-28T19:12:00.001-04:00

110 pages and 2 thesises later, Schmitt is back on the books. Don't expect anything until the hangover passes.

p.s. Al Horford is a bitch.

Poop is higher paid than Beckham.

2008-04-02T13:31:00.002-04:00

Ha ha, poop joke!

In a recently published list compiled by "knowledgeable insiders," David Beckham was listed as only the 44th highest paid player in the world, earning just $142,000 per week (a meager $7.2 million). Coming in first was Brazilian striker Kaka, who has one of the most unfortunate one-word names in soccer history. Between 1st and 44th were guys who love hookers (Cristiano Ronaldo, notably) and several names I have never heard before and don't care to ever hear again (Sol Campbell? Harry Kewell?).

The figure is misleading though, as Beckham earns a percentage of ticket and marketing profits directly from the Galaxy, and with endorsement deals earns approximately $50 million from the Los Angeles Galaxy alone. Meanwhile, Taylor Twellman, the league's 2005 MVP and one of its top players, mades a staggering $181,666 in 2006 before getting a raise to approximately $350,000 in 2007. While new rules have led to higher salaries for star players in the MLS, their top 10 best paid players combined will make less this year ($15,885,000) than Stephon Marbury is getting paid to sit at home and lure interns into his SUV ($20,109,375).

Your parents led you down the wrong path athletically, son.

So what is the lesson learned here? Don't play soccer in America. Hell, I wouldn't even have watched the World Cup if I didn't have a belligerent Mexican roommate. While it must be nice to be earning a 6-digit salary for playing a game, wouldn't you much rather be earning a seven figure salary for being mediocre at a game where all you have to do is swing a bat (I'm looking at you Adam LaRoche, Kevin Millar, Aubrey Huff, Sean Casey, Richie Sexson, etc).

Keegan Bell to leave Vanderbilt; AJ Ogilvy's Awful Smell to Blame?

2008-03-31T18:12:00.003-04:00

Alex Gordon takes this shot without hesitation. God, I'm going to miss him.

Freshman point guard Keegan Bell, a rotation player for the Commodores this year, will leave Vanderbilt at the end of the semester to finish out his college career elsewhere. Vanderbilt failed to disclose where Bell would go, or why he was leaving, but experts speculate it was related to the fact that he had to live with a 6-10 Australian who looks like he smells awful.

All the great centers smell horrible. Olajuwon, Ilgauskas, Laimbeer...

Bell had been a three-star recruit out of high school and would likely have taken on an increased role in 2008-09 with the departure of guards Shan Foster and Alex (Fucking) Gordon. Suddenly, a team that did nothing but shoot 3-pointers has no three point shooters. This puts much more pressure on Stallings as he attempts to lock up Oregon guard Brad Tinsley to replace Bell as token white guard on the court.

This also makes Vandy's rotation dangerously thin, as Ogilvy, starting PG Jermaine Beal, and backup PF Darshawn McClennan are the only returning players to have seen more than 11 minutes per game this year. While the team is adding at least 2 more 4-star recruits (Lance Goulbourne and Steve Tchiengang), and a top-150 redshirt center (Festus Ezeli), it looks as though 2009 will be a rebuilding year for the Commodores. My projected record? 18-0 at home, 0-13 on the road/neutral.

Let the Festus era begin.

In happier news, guard/savior Shan Foster was named a 2nd team All-American by the AP, and will face off against AJ Graves, Drew Neitzel, Chris Lofton, and others in the NCAA 3-point competition on Thursday. It will mark the last Thursday that I actually watch something other than Lost or The Office until summer starts.

If you got all four Final Four teams correct you need to grow a pair.

2008-03-30T21:33:00.001-04:00

Floyd Mayweather to Fight Basketball Failure

2008-03-27T18:26:00.006-04:00

Getting chokeslammed into the hearts of redneck America.

Floyd Mayweather, seemingly determined to shift his legacy from "greatest pound for pound fighter of all-time" to "Rickey Henderson-Style Circus Sideshow", will wrestle Paul "The Big Show" Wight at Wrestlemania XXIV this month. The move is a controversial one, as Mayweather stands to either follow in the footsteps of Muhammad Ali (referee at Wrestlemania I) or Mike Tyson (referee at Wrestlemania XIV). However, unlike the other two, Mayweather will be actually wrestling, which seems like a ridiculous idea for a successful athlete who currently holds multiple boxing titles (Ali and Tyson weren't active boxers at the time of their matches).

Mayweather will take on former Wichita State center Wight, who at 7ish feet, 441 lbs, outweighs his opponent by nearly 300 pounds. Adding to the danger factor is the fact that while Wight is seemingly in better shape than he has been in the past 5 years, he hasn't wrestled in a WWE match since 2006.

Let's think about this. The Tennessee Titans banned Pacman Jones, a player that they have no intention of retaining as anything but trade bait, from wrestling in TNA during his year-long NFL suspension. All he was allowed to do was show up on camera, occasionally acting as though he'd just been attacked mysteriously off-screen.

Mayweather, who is not suspended from boxing, has plenty of money, and is arguably boxing's best hope at a revival against the rise of MMA, is fighting seemingly because he can't find more constructive ways to quell his boredom.

Mayweather-Hatton. The most romantic weigh-in since
that time George Foreman fought Leroy "Cuddles" Jones.

What's worse is that Mayweather couldn't win over the WWE fans, a group so fickle that they'll support a corpse-raper like the Big Boss Man so long as there's someone slightly more evil around for him to punch. Mayweather, despite following the time-tested WWE script and throwing money to the crowd, was unable to garner any support and as a result was turned into the bad guy for his face-off with Wight, who supposedly will now be turned into the sweetest 7-foot giant you've ever met. Sort of like Gheorge Muresan.

So unless the WWE has some ingenious plan where Mayweather is disqualified for saving big breasted hookers and kegs of Natty Light from a sinking ship and giving them to the fans, he's not going to make any headway with the rest of America. And for a man who is known for making it rain over strippers/hookers/white chicks, clearly the money is not an issue. So Mayweather has no good reason to be a part of Wrestlemania other than as a wrestling fan, and possibly to join the ranks of Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali - a group that he seemed destined to join regardless.

Will the Big Show ruin Mayweather's undefeated record? Will Mayweather ever admit that this pay-per-view is a mistake? I doubt it on both counts.

Thanks Bill Cosby.

2008-03-26T14:20:00.013-04:00

Pictured: Certain virginity, bitter nights of bunk-bed dry humping

Bill Cosby, in an act of benevolence which will surely erupt in a flamewar on some chat room, donated a live Terrier to become Carnegie Mellon University's first living mascot. And now, the university is giving students the chance to name the poor dog. Why Cosby would give a live animal to a university he has no affiliation to is still unknown, but it's rumored that the dog contains smallpox and the Philadelphia native is attempting to systematically destroy Pittsburgh.

None of this would be so bad, but the four naming options available to the public (alumni evidently are not invited) are:

Andy/Andi
Skibo
Scotty/Scottie
Heart

along with with a grassroots movement to name the dog Chia, after a student whose parents presumably hate him soooooo much. I'm not sure that I could have thought of four worse names for a dog. They might as well be pestilence, war, famine, and death.

In our efforts to help out the one time Sugar Bowl participants (1939 - TCU 15, Carnegie Tech 7; TCU was awarded an additional 8 points after Sammy Baugh boxed and defeated an Australian kangaroo for his alma mater) we've come up with our own names for candidacy, which we feel will be a better fit for the university.

St. Anger
Asian kid
Asperger's
Virgin
Kid Loneliness
Creeping Death
Uni-wheel, the dog that unicycles to class EVERY DAY
Compulsive Masterbator
Pokemon
Butterface
Antisocial failure
Belligerence

Feel free to vote or write in your own in the comments section. We'll have a final verdict in the coming days. Also, feel free to comment on the fact that a school filled with Korean kids is adopting a live dog as its mascot. You don't see Wisconsin carrying a glazed ham to all their games. Just sayin'.

Country fry that and we'll talk, Wisconsin.

WHADDYA GOT THERE, NUMBERS?: NO HUMAN WILL EVER PICK THIS TOURNAMENT CORRECTLY

2008-03-25T16:13:00.004-04:00

This in addenda to the Washington Post's article covering the futility of picking this year's Sweet Sixteen.

Offering a million dollars for a complete bracket is a safe marketing bet by ESPN that stirs up considerable interest with very little risk. There are 2⁶³ = 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 possible ways to fill out a bracket given the play-in game is not counted, and only one way to win that money. If we assume that a bracket weighted with knowledge of the game improves those odds by about 6 orders of magnitude (base 2), let's say the four 16-1 gimmes and two other games, and that the 3.65 million participants of ESPN's Tourney challenge each entered a unique bracket (didn't happen, but irrelevant), the odds of ESPN paying up each year are about 0.0000000002814%, which will not happen in our lifetime, or in the expected lifetime of the human species. In fact, the odds of ESPN paying up at least once between now and 900 million years from now (when the surface of the Earth becomes inhospitable due to gradually rising solar luminosity) is only about 0.3%.

If during those 900 million years, ESPN invested their million dollars in an average mutual fund (with a nominal interest rate of 5%), they'd double their money every 14 years and have a total of 2^64285714 million dollars at heat death Armageddon. However, if the treasury was continually printing $100 bills (about 2^64285727 of them by the end) to allow ESPN to cash out their savings to actual currency (which is ridiculous, but bear with me), at a point of about 5 solar masses (1 gram per bill) their combined weight would collapse Earth to a singularity. This would happen in only about 1,416 years. This is without considering that college basketball would become a much more difficult game to play as the surface gravity of Earth steadily rose under all those dollar bills. So I think it's safe to say that we should either rob ESPN or stop this whole bracket thing sooner rather than later.

The Earth would look roughly like this in 3424 A.D.
thanks to ESPN. You, as the observer, would also die
if you got this close.

Vanderbilt Loses to Siena; Coach Stallings Saved Ignominy of Being Indiana Coach

2008-03-24T17:38:00.002-04:00

When Jamie Graham outscores your starting backcourt...You know how this ends.

Vanderbilt, doing their best to enforce the label that they can't win away from Memorial Gym, got toasted in Tampa by MAAC powerhouse Siena, 83-62. The Commodores were led by starting guards Alex (Fucking) Gordon and Jermaine Beal, who came in to the game averaging 19 points and 8 assists combined. Against Siena, they went 2-12 from the field and chipped in 6 points and 5 assists. This put their combined production behind that of reserve guard Jamie Graham (1.5 ppg, 4 mins per game), who somehow was able to score 6 points in 10 minutes against the Saints' "smothering" defense.

To be fair, it wasn't just Beal and Gordon's failure that led to the defeat. Siena guards Kenny Hasbrouck and Tay Fisher used an apparent pact with Satan to go 15 of 20 from the field and score 49 points. Three other players finished in double figures for the Saints, who were then promptly blown out by Villanova, showcasing the Big East's superiority over the MAAC.

This is even worse news for Coach Kevin Stallings, who reportedly had been on a short list of candidates for Kelvin Sampson's old job at Indiana. After a blowout and a less than stellar away record (see previous posts, any article about Vandy basketball over the past month) he seems to be out of the running. Though Stallings would probably have welcomed a return to Indiana (he's a Purdue grad and former player), would you really want to coach any sport in the Big Ten? I mean sure it's great to get to a championship game every year, but then comes the eventual blowout loss to an SEC, Big East, or Pac-10 team and media scrutiny that accompanies it. And yes, much of the point of this paragraph is to piss off everyone else that writes for this blog.

And suddenly this is all I have left.

Georgetown loses, Ernie laments

2008-03-24T14:29:00.008-04:00

G'town didn't even make it to the Sweet 16. I almost don't want to watch the tournament anymore. Well, that's not true, but I was sad to see them lose and no less to a team led by someone who looks like a cross between a 14 year old and E.T. With three quarters of the field watching from home I would like to consider a couple things from the first weekend:

Vandy Impressive In Just How Badly They Stank
Butler got jobbed being given a #7 seed and played Tennessee--a once #1 team in the land--to a great overtime finish in the second round supporting they were legit. As much as they were underrated, and showed it, Vanderbilt was an overrated #4 and showed it. As my colleague Schmitt would say, Vandy shit the bed...oh man did they shit the bed. Blitzed by Siena in a game that was never close. Definitely the most lopsided upset so far.

Duke--as overrated a 2 seed since Iowa State in 2001; UCLA rewarded with a cake walk
Duke showed they aren't just weak when they can't shoot, they are actually a sub-par team. Scraping by Belmont then getting taken to the house by WVU. Paulus is really wishing he took the ND quarterback gig right about now. The #2 (Duke) and #3 (Xavier) from UCLA's region are weak as those seeds to begin. After Drake and UConn screwed the pooch and bowed out early they have to beat only W. Kentucky to face either Xavier or WVU to move to the Final Four. By far they have the easiest road among the 4 #1 seeds remaining.

A pair of 12-13 second round matchups...great!!
Through close games, except Vandy v. Siena, a pair of 12s (Villanova and WKU) and 13s (San Diego and Siena) advanced to play each other. 'Nova is a good school having a bit of a down year, but played well and moved past Siena easily--making you wonder even more just WTF with Vandy. I have no idea who W. Kentucky is but they knocked out Gumbercules' national champion pick (Drake) so I'll root for them against UCLA as they scraped by San Diego.

Washington St. wakes up at halftime against Winthrop
10 of the 12 top 3 seeds made it to the second weekend. If you said only one #4 seed would be in the Sweet 16 I would have bet money it would not have been Wash. St. Since they were tied with Winthrop at half they have outscored their opponent 93-52 over 3 halves. That 52 points allowed over three halves is super impressive. They may have a shot against UNC who has decided that instead of playing defense in their first two games they would just play at a pace that neither opponent could match. Good defense beats good offense...and vice versa.

The landscape of contenders didn't change too much except G'town and apparently Drake are gone. I think UCLA and UNC still are poised to dominate. Kansas has played well, but they're really good at finding ways to fuck things up. It's ironic how Memphis has fewer losses than any team in the land and yet few people talk about them as possible champs. That trend continues here, too.

Who else got drunk and made their bracket picks?

2008-03-20T13:09:00.003-04:00

A Vanderbilt - Xavier National Championship game? That's just crazy enough to work...

Also in the works, Cornell over Stanford (who I picked to win it all in my sober bracket), Texas A&M in the Elite Eight (...) and Pitt somehow not shitting the bed before the Sweet 16.

Fail.

2008-03-19T13:33:00.002-04:00

This happened in one of my lacrosse games once. The defender that scored celebrated by smoking a cigarette in the middle of gameplay directly afterwards. In the world of club lacrosse, that's evidently completely legal.

Butler Rewarded for 29-3 Season, Top 10 Ranking with 7-seed

2008-03-18T18:13:00.005-04:00

Congratulations! You get Tennessee in the Second Round!

Butler, despite playing in a weak Horizon League, put up a strong year in 2007-2008. They touted a recognizable star (A.J. Graves), a strong sense of team recognition after a strong 2007 season, and wins over bubble teams like Virginia Tech, Ohio State, and Southern Illinois. The only thing that they lacked was a signature win, as the only Tourney-bound team they played (Drake) beat them by 7 points. This however, was one of only 3 blemishes, putting them behind only UNC and Memphis in the loss column and giving them a Top Ten ranking in the final poll before the NCAA tournament.

Logically, the NCAA bracket makers decided to stick the team with a 7-seed in one of the hardest brackets in tournament history. For the #10 (#11 AP) ranked team in the country to make it to the Final Four, they'd have to potentially beat Tennessee, Louisville, and UNC in consecutive games. On the other hand, Vanderbilt, ranked #19, drew a 4 seed, and potential matchups with Siena and Clemson on the way to the Sweet Sixteen, despite the fact that their best win away from Memorial Gym was at Depaul (or Georgia, depending on how you look at them).

Really, any excuse I get to post Alex Gordon, I'll use.

While I'm not going to complain, as I'm sure I'll be crying hysterically after Ross Neltner goes 0-12 in regulation during a Siena upset, this seems like a huge oversight. Did Butler get screwed? If this was college football, we would have been praising them like we did Rich Rodriguez for setting up such an easy OOC schedule on the path to postseason play. However, since they didn't bother to put one team that looked like an NCAA lock on the schedule this season (Ohio State would be without Oden and Conley, no one thought Drake would be this good, and Florida State/Texas Tech/Michigan were all clearly going to be bad BCS teams), it looks like they have no one to blame but themselves. Now they've got something to prove, and all the cupcake teams in the beginning of their season have turned into monster games in the NCAA tournament.

Underrated? Probably. Screwed? Yes. But they're as responsible for this as the selection committee is, and they'll have to dig their way out to be anything more than a mid-major novelty this year.

Surgery hurts like I imagine that scene from American History X and that guy with his mouth on the sidewalk hurts.

2008-03-18T14:21:00.005-04:00

Gumbercules, much love for the thoughts. I took the liberty of editing this post. For such an amazing feat of injury I just want to thank God, through him all things are possible. My actual x-ray looks like this:

I am now officially bionic with a plate and EIGHT screws holding my collarbone together. The incision for the surgery was a mere 6 inches.

The injury, of course, happened like this:

Get well soon! I have nobody to drink with.

I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG..

2008-03-17T16:41:00.005-04:00

..but here will be the fallout after my bracket intellectually cleanses the college basketball knowledge you claim to hold:

And I'm totally going to bone that slampig as soon as she gets done talking about how sweet my bracket was. I assume churches, weekly tithing and ascendancy will come soon thereafter.

Only 3 days to go until college basketball Christmas. Or for Billy Packer, the 11 or so days where his value as a human being on this planet is supposedly justified.

Shan Foster Becomes NBA Jam Character, Awarded SEC Player of the Year

2008-03-14T13:02:00.005-04:00

After a 42-point, 9 for 9 3-pt shooting performance (along with 3 nasty dunks!) in the 2nd half and overtime, Vanderbilt's Shan Foster was named SEC Player of the Year by the conference's coaches. Foster, who evidently traded mindsets with notorious 3-chucker Alex Gordon (see I'm Alex Fucking Gordon, Dec. 2007), simply caught fire in the 2nd half, turning the Commodores' 2nd-half offense into a game of dribble aimlessly for 30 seconds, pass to Shan, and watch him shoot.

I'm pretty sure this was a 3-pt. attempt.

Foster, who had become the team's all-time leader scorer in the previous game, was humble in victory. "This is the first game I hit nine 3s. To hit nine in a row, that blows my mind," The win kept the 'Dores undefeated at home, but continued their streak of having absolutely no good road wins, which will serve to undermine their NCAA tournament seeding (unless you count victories at Depaul or South Carolina).

Ben Hansbrough, who guarded Foster all night, could not be reached for comment. Presumably he was crying himself to sleep after resigning himself to the idea that he's become the new Eli Manning.

Foster beat out stiff competition to become Vandy's second straight Player of the Year, including MSU's Jamont Gordon (who lit up the Commodores before leaving the game in OT due to cramps), Tennessee's Chris Lofton and Tyler Smith, and Florida's Nick Calathes.

BEAVER STADIUM NOW BEST AT EVERYTHING

2008-03-11T17:36:00.003-04:00

Per The Michigan Daily, Beaver Stadium is officially the largest capacity stadium in the nation at 107, 282 people. Rejoice! And a special thank you to the unruly handicapped who made this moment possible.

Your stadium does not look like this.

Michigan Stadium will henceforth be known as "The Quite Large House" on this blog. One remaining homosexual issue was risen again:

Engineering graduate student John Nanry said he thought the Big House "might lose a bit of its personality if it's not the biggest," but added that Penn State's Beaver Stadium already felt bigger because it traps sound better than Michigan Stadium.

Mr. Nanry, like many Michigan students on this issue, is terribly misinformed. For the life of me, I cannot figure out how a bunch of kids can be so intelligent and still think that jangling keys somehow intimidates the opponent, rather than simply appearing to be the largest assembly of salvation army volunteers in history. If you would raise your goddamn voice at the game things might be different, fellas. I can't tell you how many times I've played mute beer pong at 1 am because I left my voice in the stands. Don't think it doesn't make a difference.

With Favre's Retirement Vinny T. Has Eyes On The Prize

2008-03-06T14:20:00.005-05:00

"Let's see...I wear black so throw to white!
Haha, another one for The Testaverdenator!"

For those doing the retiring, retirement means ending an era, allowing that what has been will no longer be. For those who have competed with an individual who is about to retire, that individuals retirement means something else. Opportunity. Favre retires holding most major records for a quarterback, including the most interceptions thrown, all-time. Looming in the shadow of that record is a curly-haired, former Heisman winner from the sometimes school most times site of illegal activity, Vinny Testaverde.

That's right, Vinny T. currently trails Favre by 21 career interceptions. While it might actually be difficult to throw 21 interceptions and still hold a job in this league, typically you'd be benched before accomplishing such ineptitude, Vinny T. has shown an admirable resiliency to such blatant measures of inadequacy. Vinny T. has eclipsed 21 interceptions in four seasons throughout his career and still manages to find a team that is willing to pay him money to run their offense. Look for Vinny T. to latch on where he can to show, once and for all, who's the boss of throwing to the wrong team. Some athletes stick around well past the prime of their careers to pad the productivity stats. Vinny T. never experienced a prime of his career and all he's got to go for is an ironic accomplishment where longevity and productivity clash. I say, play the hand your dealt, and go for it Vinny! The Testaverdenator rules!

YES YES YES YES YES

2008-03-03T19:16:00.006-05:00

A tip of the hat to Run Up The Score who linked coverage on ex-Steelers Coach Bill Cowher visiting Penn State last week for undisclosed reasons. The seemingly eminent Penn State head coaching vacancy is the tastiest way to view this piece of information; another rumored possibility is that his daughter is looking at PSU for college.

Either way, FUCK AND YES TO ATHLETIC DIRECTOR TIM CURLEY FOR HAVING A SLEEPOVER WITH THE CHIN. JoePa was probably fussing and pouting (and eating brains) over at his house while Tim and Bill drank Yuengling and played Mike Tyson's Punch Out! until the wee hours.

Cross that one off of the life To-Do list, Tim (still left: bring back the PSU-Pitt rivalry). While I support Paterno's subtle "Let Me Die On The Field" campaign, bringing Cowher Power to Happy Valley would completely lock down PSU's western PA recruiting. I've always felt that a unification of the state would lead to a PSU national title every 6-8 years. Plus, annexing Pittsburgh would be a huge step towards destabilizing Michigan's, and to a lesser extent Ohio State's recruiting.

In related news, a Google Search this evening of the phrase "Bill Simmons sucks" returned 834 hits. "I hate Bill Simmons" came in at about half that, at 443. While I find those totals strangely low, today I am proud to add a point to both. Here is a blog dedicated to hating him.

Perspective

2008-02-29T13:55:00.005-05:00

Samuel Wanjiru is arguable the greatest young long-distance runner ever. By age 18 he had set the world-record in the half-marathon and has since re-established the world-record twice (for a time the great Haile Gebreselaisse held the record). He has run a half-marathon in 58 minutes and 33 seconds--that's a 4:28 mile more than 13 consecutive times--faster than anyone in history and he did so at 20 years of age. Now 21, he competed in and won a marathon race held last weekend at which the winner was awarded $300,000!!! There has never been more money given to the winner of a single race. His response when asked what he intended to do with the money: buy his mother a tractor. That's right, for his single mother who has done so much for him and owns a few acres of farmland he will help repay this debt and buy her a tractor and hire someone to drive it. I don't know the conversion of $300,000 to the Kenyan currency--I'm not familiar with the metric system or any other foreign language, but that sounds like a lot. There are people in this world that have totally different ideas of what wealth means and the first thing that comes to mind when they think of what wealth can get you. It's interesting to think about.

HILARIOUS DICTIONARY ENTRIES

2008-02-27T17:57:00.004-05:00

Don't ask me what I was doing, but I laughed at this for several minutes. Cheers to Webster's for holding nothing back.

1 result for: poofter

(Browse Nearby Entries)
poods
pooecetes
pooecetes gramineus
pooed
poof
pooff
poofs
poofter
POOGE
POOGI
pooh
pooh bah
pooh pooh
Pooh-Bah
Pooh-Bahs
pooh-pooh
pooh-poohed
pooh-pooher
pooh-poohing
pooh-poohs
poohbah

Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English - Cite This Source - Share This

Main Entry:	poofter
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	a male homosexual; also, an emasculated male; also called poof
Example:	Stop babying him like that! You're going to turn him into a poofter!
Etymology:	1889; fr. poof
Usage:	British disparaging slang

Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English, Preview Edition (v 0.9.7)
Copyright © 2003-2008 Lexico Publishing Group, LLC

Of course the word came from France, the country that invented poofters. I also found it entertaining that the dictionary entries around "poofter" also came off just a little bit gay, as if poofter was slowly infecting the English language. Hey poohbah, you don't want to hang around that poofter too much, it might rub off on you HEYYYOOOO. Here is one of the top Google Image Search results for "poofter":

"So, did you see the new 'Poof'?"

Lloyd released by Redskins: Dan Synder proves up to task of overpaying for underachievers, yet again!

2008-02-27T09:45:00.013-05:00

There's a reason why I had to use a photo of
him making a catch with San Francisco.

The Redskins released Brandon Lloyd after two years of such unparalleled lack of productivity coupled with amazing financial reward. During this two year stint with the Redskins he earned ~$11 million between a signing bonus and salary. Let's get a breakdown of just how much the Redskins paid for his productivity:

-25 games "played": $440,000.00 per game

-14 games in which he actually caught a pass: $785,714.29 per game where he actually did something

-23 catches (total, over two season): $478,260.87 per catch

-379 yards receiving: $29,023.75 per yard receiving

He was able to earn all this money from a team where he was still able to do things such as:
1) Blow up at the WRs coach during OTAs--it's OTAs, easy buddy.

2) Throw his helmet on the sideline during a game--okay, I
am inclined to think this happens often, but he must have thrown it at Joe Gibbs' wife or something because he was able to get himself benched for the game that followed and from then on lost his starting position.

3) Wouldn't learn certain receiver routes and expressed his discontent with being asked to run certain routes--Mr. Lloyd, you get to "play" football for a living. I would gnaw off a finger for the abilities you have and the chance that affords to play in the NFL. Perspective.

Lloyd is probably a nice guy and if karma is the bitch she claims to be then he'll go to Philly and catch 15 TDs next season. Either way, Brandon Lloyd got a nice bit of sweet cash for doing basically nothing for two years.

Wally Szczerbiak Traded to Cavs, Vows to Show LeBron How to Use Concealer Properly

2008-02-21T17:01:00.005-05:00

Looking good, you handsome motherfucker.

In what will likely be the biggest trade in the Eastern Conference this year, Cleveland GM Danny Ferry decided to clean up his own mess and trade away his own awful signings for some other overpaid, past their prime players. A quick look:

Cavs send:

Drew Gooden (decent player, poor hair growth skills)
Larry Hughes (bad at everything, should play for the Knicks)
Ira Newble (chunky hustle player)
Shannon Brown (impressionable youngster)
Cedric Simmons (has taken 6 shots this year, missed all 8 free throw attempts)

Cavs receive:

Ben Wallace (past his prime, offensively challenged big man; can finally wear headbands)
Wally Szczerbiak (handsome motherfucker, top 5 worst NBA All-Star of all time)
Joe Smith (worst player ever to cost a team 4 1st round draft picks)
Delonte West (possible mutant, decent guard)
In his spare time, Delonte enjoys guarding bridges and spinning straw into gold.

I'd throw in an analysis of what the other teams got, but it's clear that the Cavs took advantage of a straight-up salary team on both teams. And by took advantage of, I really mean "gave Lebron a chance of winning 1 Finals game against the Spurs instead of 0." While these players are an upgrade over what the team currently has, the Cavs are still locked into mediocrity as Ferry has settled for the best of what's left. A move at any time, pre or post Gasol with the Grizzlies would have made much more sense.

Despite that, the trade is a winning situation for Cleveland. The Cavs traded a starter and an oft-injured, overpaid rotation guy for 3 potential starters. There is always the possibility that Wallace gets rejuvenated in a new city (with the added bonus of no longer having to stifle the urge to strangle Joakim Noah) and that Szczerbiak continues to play at a high level (13 ppg, .428 3-pt shooting in just 23 mpg) throughout the season and the playoffs. I mean, he can't be any worse than Larry Hughes (37% shooting overall, 2 turnovers per game), and the only legit player they gave up was Drew Gooden.

Sczcerbiak will also fill a key role for the Cavs by entertaining James with stories of all the chicks he totally banged at Miami of Ohio, thereby providing James with valuable secondhand college experience. It's Ferry's hope that the two become roommates, and that their awkward and often hilarious interactions will help ease the blow of getting swept by the Celtics in the Conference semi-finals. Also starring Bronson Pinchot as Zydrunas Ilgauksas.

This is what body odor looks like.

Which Crappy Free Agent Will Hit the Pirates Jackpot This Year?

2008-02-19T23:01:00.002-05:00

Take a good, long look, coach.

Are you a major league baseball player who is clearly on the decline? Were you cut by the Kansas City Royals last year but hate life without sports so much that you refuse to give up? Are bad knees keeping you from reaching even the easiest fly balls? Declining vision causing you to rack up strikeout after strikeout at the plate? Do you love fat women and cheap beer? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations! You've got what it takes to play for the Pittsburgh Pirates in 2008!

Benito Santiago, Jeromy Burnitz, Joe Randa, Chris Stynes, Raul Mondesi, Kenny Lofton, Reggie Sanders. In 1998, this wouldn't even a playoff team. Between 2002-2007 they were "veteran leadership" on one year contracts with the Pittsburgh Pirates. These players were either seat warmers for prospects that never arrived (i.e. Tike Redman and Chris Duffy) or at very least trade bait to bring back some AA prospects from teams that actually contended.

It's not your fault, Lloyd. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

While some bounced back and prolonged their careers, others essentially made PNC Park their graveyard. Many a mediocre veteran has ended their career with a whimper in the Steel City. So far the Pirates have already signed #2BestSeller favorite and Devil Rays castaway Casey Fossum and 36 year old Chris Gomez.

Here are the rest of 2008's candidates:

Doug Mientkiewicz - In the span during which this article went from "draft" to "posted," the Pirates signed Mientkiewicz to a minor league contract. Here we have a player so nondescript that his only recognizable nickname, "eye-chart" comes from his unspellable last name. Look at that tubby bastard. He'll fit right in with the Pirates, having only hit 20 home runs over the past 3 seasons; A starting infield of Doug, Sanchez, Wilson, and Bautista would have a legit shot of hitting 40 combined dingers. However, since the Pirates love Yankee castaways (Matt Lawton, Shawn Chacon, Andy Phillips) so much, expect eye-chart to be anchoring 1st base by Opening Day.

Odds of being signed: 6 to 5

Preston Wilson: He's got a horrible injury history, was just released by the Cardinals, and he had his best seasons at Coors Field. I can't figure out if this guy is a trainwreck or a perfect candidate for the Pirates rehab program. His career has basically fallen off a cliff since 2005 - it's time for John Russell to turn him into a legit 10 HR, 36 RBI, .266 avg threat.

Odds: 5 to 1

Damian Miller - The poor man's Benito Santiago. Miller was a scab player during the 1994 baseball strike, and as a result isn't a part of the player's union. Because of this we'll have to use some fake-named54 overall player in dynasty mode of MLB 2008. Of course, with Ryan Doumit's body being made completely out of papier-mache, and Ronny Paulino remembering that he sucks in 2007, there's a definite need for a veteran catcher. I like Miller's odds.

Odds: 5 to 1.

Ryan Klesko - Major injury? Check. Let go by a terrible team (the Giants)? Check. Lack of power? Check. However, after the Eye-Chart signing, there may be little room for a 5th terrible veteran as a corner infielder. However, Pittsburgh's hunting scene may be able to entice the avid sportsman, as herds of water buffalo are spotted in Southside every night.

As a final note, I don't know much about Ryan Klesko.

Odds: 10 to 1

Trot Nixon: Since his days in Boston, Trot's been the ultimate clubhouse guy. Also since those days he's devolved from a potential 30-homer guy to one that hit 3 last year with the Indians. Good locker room presence? Declining hitter? Lost defensively? Sounds a lot like our signee from two years back, Sean Casey! He's also completely incapable of hitting lefties anymore, batting just .224 against them. A platoon of him and Xavier Nady in left field would be an insult to the military community.

Odds: 20 to 1

Shawn Green - Another power hitting corner outfielder who's been moving from team to team once his career started to decline. Seeing a trend here? The Mets bought out the final year of his contract, making him a free agent for 2008. Unfortunately, he's said that he prefers playing on the west coast, which is in almost every way a polar opposite of Pittsburgh.

Odds: 35 to 1

Tony Batista/Russell Branyan: Oh, please yes. Nothing would make me happier than to see Batista's crazy swing grounding into double plays and occasionally swatting a ball into the Allegheny. Same with Branyan's ability to strike out 100 times in a season as a pinch hitter. Hell, if they gave Jeromy Burnitz a shot, how could this go any worse?

Odds: 80 to 1

Sandy Alomar Jr.: Only because he's been following Benito Santiago his whole life. Yes, I understand that he's a coach now, but I think he'd be back if we let him wear 09.

Odds: 100 to 1

Henry Rowengartner: Sure, the kid's been out of the league since 1993, but at the ripe age of 27 I'm going to assume that he can still light it up. He led the Cubs to the NL Central pennant behind his and Gary Busey's dominant pitching, and somehow willed the rest of his team (including the janitor from Scrubs playing first) to the Cubs first World Series victory of the modern era. Hell, that's gotta be worth something, right?

(Also, check out this awesome and overly long recap from wikipedia. EEEYAH!)

Odds: 200 to 1

On a final note, from si.com's Spring Training previews:

This is a major rebuilding project; in fact, the biggest concern for Huntington will be if the Pirates start 28-24 or something, which they could do based on a strong bullpen and good top two starters. The last thing he needs is pressure to contend in 2008.

Yes, God forbid they contend. Everyone knows at this point that if the Pirates are over .500 after the All-Star break, the armies of hell will swarm the Earth. Only one man can stop them. Constantine.

Starring Dave Littlefield.

Roy Williams and Coach K no longer BFF

2008-02-19T22:26:00.005-05:00

Coach K - Slamboree 2008. It is on.

It appears Roy Williams took umbrage over remarks made by Coach K (I already spelled Mientkewicz, that's enough for today) regarding injury reports. This all started after media asked Duke about player injuries, to which K replied that it was against team policy to report on this...

"unlike other teams."

(presumably followed by media going "oohhhhh shit, it's on now!"

Roy Williams did not approve.

It's not like I'm getting a dadgum plane and flying it around to say, 'Roy fell against a wall and banged his nose' or anything, Williams said in a news conference (through sniffles and heavy breathing that disguised apparent tears). We have to do those things [talk about injuries] and everybody's hurt. But there's different stages of being hurt.

Wait a minute? Roy fell against a wall? Roy, you're only 57; my grandmother is considerably older than that, has a job that requires no physical activity and even she's still got her motor skills. On the same note though, I doubt she could handle the physical responsibility of feeding Tyler Hansborough a live goat every 6 hours.

If you're hurt and missing games, that's not exactly like having a hangnail. And so we do have some people that are getting hurt and missing games. I don't think that somebody should say we're putting it in front of the public.

Sniffle, sniffle, Roy. Who the hell cares? Aside from a loss to Duke this season, you've had the upper hand on them for a few years now. Besides, everyone knows that when you get served you don't dance back - and now it's on.

You know who wouldn't care about this shit? Pat Summitt. For future reference, she's a breeder; power is sexy.

Lose the colors and we'll talk, sweetheart.

Yarrrr, Not a Looker in the Bunch.

2008-02-19T22:21:00.005-05:00

Where the hell do we even begin?

#2's Wide World of Sports

2008-02-19T20:58:00.004-05:00

We here at #2 best seller are all about sports (well, making ourselves feel better by putting down other people more athletic than us is a pretty good reason to get up in the morning, too). We're all about all kinds of sports. Recently the Tour de California began (that's cycling people) and if I were a betting man I would say the surprise unveiling of Aerotrike racing may be just what cycling needs to kick start it's popularity.

Hijacking the Tour de California race course.

Aluminum Gold: Volume Three - Regional Beers

2008-02-15T15:37:00.010-05:00

Iron City - Ah, a taste of Pittsburgh. They’ve even put it in aluminum bottles to make it more authentic. Just like the city, it peaked in the 1970s, but still can entice naive college students with its aesthetic qualities. It carries on a rich tradition of being unable to let go of the past. Unlike Pittsburgh, it tastes a lot like carbonated butter. The perfect beer for watching a 10-1 Pirates loss.

Rating: Defeated.

Genesee Cream Ale - A product of the Genesee River in upstate New York, Genesee Cream Ale is a direct effect of what pollution has done to America’s waterways. Evidently, cream is one of those words that have different meanings in different places because I could have sworn that I tasted soap, but no sign of anything "creamy".

Rating: Mislabeled.

Sam Adams Light - What a time to live in Boston. They come out with Sam Adams Light, and then immediately the Red Sox and Patriots start bringing home titles. They produce a new Summer Ale and Kevin Garnett gets traded to the Celtics. In fact, rumor has is that the Patriots Super Bowl XLII loss is directly related to the failure of a Sam Adams raspberry hefeweizen beer that was labeled "even too gay for New England." Maybe if they come out with a low-carb beer alternative Dispatch will get back together. Then what will those assholes have to complain about? Huh?

Rating: Pretentious.

Old Style - The official beer of the Chicago Cubs. See Iron City.

Rating: Historically defeated.

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale - About as regional nowadays as Sam Adams, this is just a fucking mean, bitter IPA. This is the beer you drink and then lie about how good it tastes through locked teeth to look cool in front of your friends. "Sierra Nevada? I put that shit on my corn flakes, bro!" Of course, the bottle design is cool and it's available for relatively cheap almost anywhere, so both yuppies and hipsters alike can enjoy it. Congratulations Sierra Nevada, you're the new Michelob!

Rating: Pass me another Sierra, bro, I'm too drunk ride my bike to the hookah bar.

Vanderbilt 93. Kentucky 52

2008-02-14T18:53:00.007-05:00

Ramel Bradley Guns Up Another 3 in Garbage Time.
Isiah Thomas Just Fell in Love.

I don't really have anything to add to this, other than the fact that Vanderbilt, 5 minutes into the 2nd half, was up 55-14. That's a score more fitting for a Broncos-49ers Super Bowl than one of the greatest college basketball teams of all time. That said, there's nothing like seeing Ashley Judd cry in person. It's like someone drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa. Also outstanding was seeing Patrick Patterson almost murder someone after drawing his 4th foul. He looks like he played with matches a lot as a kid.

While Alex Gordon only put up 2 shots, the one he made was a no-look fade away three with a hand in his face to put Vandy up by 35. You can't underestimate the importance of Alex Fucking Gordon. He's the A-Rod of SEC basketball.

"Sucks to be you. R-O-T-F-L-M-A-O!"

2008-02-14T14:45:00.004-05:00

I wanted to write something funny about Devean George being the one to nix the Jason Kidd to Dallas trade, but then I came across this and realized it had been done well enough that any further contribution would just detract from this hilariousness.

Read this...fucking hilarious

DEAR TERRELLE PRYOR

2008-02-14T13:09:00.009-05:00

So after writing that, I felt it would be better if I contrasted Joe's inspirational quotes on team-building and honor against a legendary coach of the batshit insane variety. Here's what Woody Hayes would email Terrelle from the grave:

Terrelle,

I have no idea how this contraption works that I am using to write this message, but then I've always said, if we learn about computers, then we're in the ballgame. Paralyze resistance with persistence, so here I am typing away. At Ohio State, our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect. Recently one of our star running backs earned a falsified insurance claim, and our Heisman QB earned $500 from a booster somehow. But when you get into the passing game, you can expect that sort of thing to happen.

As you know, I live to win. After all, without winners, there wouldn't even be any civilization. The minute I think I'm getting mellow, I'm retiring. Who ever heard of a mellow winner? That's why back in '69 I went for a two-point conversion with a 34-point lead against Michigan. The referees told me I couldn't go for three.

But any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. A man is always better than he thinks, which in your case, Terrelle, would make you Football Jesus. You seem like a hard worker, but some people change, and some people change too late, and then you have a problem. Like the one we had back home in Newcomerstown when they had to give up driver's ed in the high school because the horse died.

In closing, let me point out that there's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you. And I guarantee you, if you go to Michigan, your soul will be cleansed at least four times, and possibly more, since I am Notre Dame's best afterlife recruiter.

Sincerely,

Woody Hayes
Head Coach
The Ohio State University

I am upset that I never got to watch Woody live.

He never apologized for this. Amazing.

DEAR TERRELLE PRYOR

2008-02-13T21:47:00.000-05:00

Fumbling through the various PSU message boards, I recently stumbled across a post detailing a recent email from the head coach of Penn State, Joe Paterno, to highly sought-after recruit/prima donna Terrelle Pryor. I thought it was worth reproducing here:

Terrelle,

I'm writing you today because I sense you are confused with respect to your future. I know personally that publicity is like poison; it doesn't hurt unless you swallow it, and that the minute you think you've got it made, disaster is just around the corner. But believe deep down in your heart that you are destined to do great things. Besides pride, loyalty, discipline, heart, and mind, confidence is the key to all the locks, and you should be confident in your final decision.

If you come to Penn State, you will have to perform at a consistently higher level than others. That's the mark of a true professional, Terrelle. You need to play with supreme confidence, or else you'll lose again and again, and then losing becomes a habit; a habit that Penn State has hopefully kicked in the past two years. But, losing a game is only heartbreaking. Losing your sense of excellence or worth is a tragedy. In other words, the will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital. Penn State will teach you how to prepare.

And remember Terrelle, it's the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back. My goal is for our team to outgrow individual performance and learn team confidence so that excellency becomes a reality. And in passing, know that success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good.

Sincerely,

Joe Paterno
Head Coach
The Pennsylvania State University

---

"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!"

I don't know about you, but I think we have a shot at this kid, even though his gray matter may not be enough to revitalize our coach.

Kelvin Sampson: You're a Giant Bag of Douche

2008-02-13T16:06:00.002-05:00

Kelvin Sampson has not only been associated with NCAA violations at his new home, Indiana University, but has also lied about his infractions. What are you good for if you can't keep your nose clean after leaving an institution at which you committed NCAA violations and then lied about doing things you were specifically told you could not do because of previous NCAA violations? Read either account below for details, but they are simple things like participating in three-way conference phone calls with recruits and being present when an assistant coach makes a phone call to a recruit when he was explicitly not allowed to do so as part of his punishment. Someone please get this guy out of college basketball.

ESPN account

Washington Post article

Ref screws the pooch with last second foul in G'town-Villanova game

2008-02-12T10:30:00.000-05:00

Last night the 8th ranked G'town Hoyas eeked out a win against the unranked Villanova Wildcats 55-53. This leaves the Hoyas (20-3, 10-2) tied with Notre Dame (WTF?!) in the loss column of Big East play. Additionally, it removed any chance for 'Nova to get a much needed win as they currently are tied for the 12th and final tourney spot in the Big East--sidenote: the fact that not every team goes to the tournament is retarded. Thankfully, someone realized this and it will change next season with all 16 teams making post-season play.

As much as I am a G'town fan, been one since when they still used fruit baskets for hoops--yeah, I'm old, Villanova got jobbed last night. 53-53 with a few seconds left in an exciting, but super ugly Big East prototypical game and G'town plays great defense on the Wildcats holding for the last shot. Jonathan Wallance, G'town senior guard who got into their law school--ranked top 10 in the nation, picked up the loose ball and headed up sideline. With a bit of contact the ref blew the whistle, which being in the double bonus meant two free throws, with 0.1 seconds left. Wallace, a career better than 80% FT shooter nails both and the game is over.

It sucks the ref decided the game on a ticky-tacky foul when for the most part of the game they allowed a good bit of contact. The game was physical, but the last second foul was certainly not necessary. The only logical defense I can provide for the ref is Wallace steps on the sideline after the contact, something which the ref could absolutely see given his perspective. My notion is the ref called the foul because if he doesn't he felt he had to call the out-of-bounds even though Wallace going out of bounds was absolutely because of the defensive contact. It's shitty and the ref should have let the play go and the clock expire. Though the ref who made the foul call cannot be expected to know this, the Villanova guy who had the ball immediately before Wallace scooped up the loose ball definitely stepped on the end line. You make that call and it's G'town ball with 5 secs left and they can start from half-court. Maybe they hit a game winner there, maybe not. You never want to see a close game get decided on a call like that. Tough break for the Wildcats.

People We Love: Georges Laraque

2008-02-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

"You want to do it? Square up? Ok. Good luck man."

Laraque is currently the NHL's best enforcer, playing most games simply to protect Sidney Crosby and fight random foreigners. While he's a decent player who can score as well (22 points in 2007), his clear strength is protecting the Penguins' young stars. And he's damn good at it too. According to hockeyfights.com (evidently the leading source for hockey fight win/loss percentages, likely also the only source), he's undefeated since 2005, going 27-0-2.

However, while Laraque is a competent player and consummate gentleman on the ice, he lacks the one quality that makes an enforcer truly great; batshit insanity.

Bob Probert had it - punching Tom Barasso's facemask off before attacking a player who was being held stomach down on the ice by a referee.

Tie Domi definitely had it - fighting a fan that fell into the penalty box after repeatedly taunting him:

Laraque? Well he's not quite there. Yet.

Sliced Throat Makes Hockey Relevant Again

2008-02-11T16:11:00.001-05:00

Just like Jack the Ripper shed light upon the working girls of London, a story of slit throats is bringing the NHL into the spotlight (si.com's top story!)

Skating to the bench while losing pints of blood? The only way that this could have been more badass is if he fought a bear on the way.

Florida Panthers forward Richard Zednik is in stable condition today after a freak injury that gashed open his throat. Zednik was injured when he was clipped by the skate of upended teammate Olli Jokinen. Fortunately, the skate only sliced the carotid artery and not the jugular, somehow giving him the ability to skate back to his bench and stave off death. If there's anything I've learn from Lost, it's that eastern Europeans are basically invincible, and this just proves that point.

Did somebody kill a badger on the ice?

It took crews 15 minutes to scrape all the blood off the ice, no doubt giving the young children in attendance fodder for their nightmares for years to come. A foolproof way to turn your kids off sports in their developing stages is to show them a live event where a player nearly bleeds to death in the middle of it. Last night, Buffalo saw the birth of a thousand new Magic: The Gathering players. And even that may not be safe enough.

Well Zednik, that's what you get for playing hockey for a warm-weather city. If this game was in Florida you would have had to have prayed that one of the hundred or so fans in attendance was a doctor.

People You Should Know More About: "Smokey Joe" Williams

2008-02-10T15:47:00.001-05:00

Joe Williams is probably one of the greatest pitchers of all-time. When you hear a statement like that you might anticipate career statistics supporting his excellence. This, however, is difficult because of poor record keeping of many black baseball games. It's just the way it is. Realistically, the best information we can gather is from individual performances considered in the broader context of what that performance meant and personal recollections. Joe Williams was a black ballplayer born in 1885/1886 in Texas. He was a big guy, 6'4", 240 lbs, the kind of guy who these days would probably end up playing football. He went by two nicknames, either "Smokey Joe" or "Cyclone Joe" Williams.

His greatest likeness in white baseball at the time was probably Walter Johnson. Exhibition games between black teams and white major league teams were not uncommon in the early 20th century--the gates revenues from games like this were appealing to both parties, neither of whom found financial security through baseball like we see today. Williams and Johnson once matched up in a game wherein they played to a 1-0 final score. It's unclear who won but from my readings I think it was Johnson. Even so, what a game it must have been to see two of the greatest fastball pitchers of all-time go at it.

Among the more gaudy numbers he produced was a single game in 1930 against the Negro League Kansas City Monarchs. In a game that lasted 12 innings Johnson struck out 27 batters! That's right, among a possible 36 outs he recorded 27 of them by himself. He is certainly to be considered a peer of the great Satchel Paige, possibly better. You hear less about Williams and more about Paige because Satchel eventually displayed his skills in front of the entire nation within MLB, winning the Rookie of the Year at the ripe age of 42. Still, Williams must have been a sight to see and, like Paige, pitched effectively well into his 40s. Around 40 years old he pitched successive shutouts against a team of white major league all-stars including the great Jimmie Foxx.

Ty Cobb, tagged a racist but that's another story, once flatly stated Smokey Joe Williams would have easily been a 30-game winner in the major leagues had he been given the opportunity. Williams' scalps claimed in exhibition play against major league competition include HoF pitcher Grover Cleveland Alexander. In 1912 Williams shutout the major league New York Giants--who represented the NL in the previous World Series. He reproduced this feat in 1916 when shutting out the Philadelphia Phillies and Alexander, 1-0--the defending NL champs.

Williams remains, and almost certainly shall remain, an elusive figure due to lack of written documentation of both his baseball accolades and personal history. Still, what can be gathered indicates Smokey Joe Williams was an incredible ballplayer, very much deserving of a place in the minds of those who enjoy baseball history.

WRITERS STRIKE AFFECTING SPORTS SCANDALS

2008-02-07T13:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, a YouTube video was posted of certified legend Juan Marichal and certified asshole, possible legend Pedro Martinez releasing roosters in a cockfight in-- wait, wait, wait. I've seen this one before. This episode was new last summer. The guy got arrested, publicly apologized, got a harsh sentence from a power-hungry judge who made it look like he was coming down on celebrities. I know how the rest of this ends. Another fucking rerun.

It probably looked something like this.

GODDAMN I HOPE YOU KNOW YOU WRITERS ARE RUINING MY MID 20S. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? MY FRIENDS ARE ALL TIRED OF MY WITTY HUMOR DERIVED FROM TELEVISION SHOWS. I CAN'T IMPRESS GIRLS ANYMORE WITH FUNNY QUIPS FROM 30 ROCK OR DEEP MOMENTS FROM SCRUBS. I'M DYING HERE YOU FUCKING COCKBAGS

Suns to Fans: Fuck You.

2008-02-06T15:20:00.000-05:00

I have no words. If someone can come up with a caption that accurately describes this, then by all means, add it.

Pending a physical, which Suns fans are praying Shaq fails, the Suns are reportedly intent on shipping all-star Shawn Marion and idiot point guard Marcus Banks to the Heat in exchange for Shaquille O'Neal.

That's the Suns, the up-tempo team that has changed the way that teams play in the West pushing the running game and scoring loads of points, trading for a 35 year old, hobbled, 350 pound center who also starred in Kazaam.

The Suns, who have been so desperate to shed salary that they've essentially given away their first round draft picks over the last few years, trading for someone who'll be making $20 million per until 2010.

The Suns, who already have two strong players capable of starting at center (Amare Stoudamire, Boris Diaw), trading for a player whose scoring numbers have dropped by 13 ppg in the past 5 years while giving up a four time all-star who averages a double-double over his career and is currently in his prime (28 years old).

The Suns, who have the best record in the west and were arguably a Robert Horry foul away from making the NBA Finals last year, are making a trade to make them slower and bog down their payroll.

Maybe they know something I don't. Maybe Shaq is just biding his time, waiting to get traded to turn it on; hell, he hasn't been in shape during the regular season for years now. Maybe Marion really is a team cancer and Shaq's locker room presence will unite the Suns and give them the boost they need to top the Spurs.

Or maybe general manager Steve Kerr is just an idiot. Anyone who's read his old columns on Yahoo! already knows that he's functionally retarded, so why not throw a bunch of shit together like this was NBA Live '03 and see if it works? It's not like anything else for the Suns makes all that much sense.

Nickname: Suns. Mascot: Gorilla. A logical progression.

Nevada High School Standards Under Scrutiny After Student Behaves Like A Moron on National Signing Day

2008-02-06T12:34:00.000-05:00

In a gymnasium filled with eager yokel townies from Not Las Vegas, NV, a high school football player from Nevada accepted a scholarship to play football for Cal-Berkley, deciding against U. of Oregon. It was later learned he did not have offers from either of these schools and in fact was not offered scholarships to any D-I schools he claimed to have been considering. It sounds like he may have been duped by someone posing as a recruiter. It may also be the case he accepted money from this person--God knows why--and allegedly repaid him in excess--again, WTF? At the signing ceremony he talked about interacting with Cal head coach Jeff Tedford and how that personal communication was influential in his decision.

Huh?

Okay, we have now officially gone from a plausibly honest case of getting fooled, albeit pretty badly, to this kid flat out lying. Because this kid is still in high school and high schoolers are by definition morons I am inclined to cut him some slack. I hope he comes out and says, "Ha! I fooled all you fuckers!" This would be a good counter to the general stupidity that is "National Signing Day". I am all for a bumblefuck town embracing their first D-I football product since that would eclipse their previously greatest event in town history--the installation of their one and only stop light. Be proud of where you come from and who comes from your town. But this national attention paid to 17 and 18 yr olds deciding where they are going to play college football seems a bit much, no? On some level this reminds me of the twistedness of adolescent beauty pageants.

Still, this is a pretty funny story. How the fuck did the head coach for this kid not realize something wasn't right?

NCAA Lost Power Rankings

2008-02-05T16:25:00.000-05:00

Gimmick sports rankings; real original.

At the halfway point of the season, we've decided to compare college basketball to the biggest current event in America right now; the return of Lost. Power rankings are our own and completely arbitrary, so please don't question them.

1. Memphis - Kate - Yeah, they're a sexy choice right now, but does anyone think that they can actually do anything in the crunch time? Kate, while a major player in island politics early on was mostly worthless in escape attempts from the Others and the trek to the radio tower.

2. Duke - Locke - Coach K has a connection to college basketball unlike any other current coach, and has the uncanny ability to make marginally talented white kids the most hated figures in college sports. Locke has some weird communion with the island and was able to turn Boone from an interesting character to his own personal slave (until he inadvertently killed him). Bonus that most people hate both Duke and Locke.

3. North Carolina - Jack - Though they stumble at times, Roy Williams' time-tested coaching and utilization of talent shines through in tough ACC and NCAA tournament play. They are the man of science against Duke's man of faith - Locke.

4. UCLA - Sayid - A dangerous combination of talent and experience. Love, Collison, and Mbah a Moute can grind teams into submission, as seen in wins over Michigan State, Stanford, and Washington State. Like the former torturer Sayid, they're able to overwhelm you on several fronts and break a team down as the game wears on.

5. Kansas - Sawyer - Impressive at times. Always a little shady. And in the end, everyone knows that they're gonna mess up. Kansas's NCAA tournament woes have been well documented in the past.

6. Tennessee - Ben Linus - A threatening figure although not physically imposing. The Vols have no one key player (especially this year with Chris Lofton in a slump), but strike fear into the hearts of other SEC teams. Bruce Pearl is a great coach who is outstanding at understanding other teams' weaknesses and exploiting them; just like the leader of The Others.

7. Georgetown - Mikhail - Powerful, and seemingly unkillable. While they have their weaknesses, their overall strengths will keep them bouncing back against weaker teams and making them pay for not completely destroying them.

8. Stanford - Desmond - I don't think anyone really knows what to make of Stanford right now. While they look like a big contender, there's something a bit off with them. They could run the table from here through the Pac 10 tournament, or they could drop games to teams like Siena and Oregon again. That said, it's entirely possible that they're the ones who could emerge from nowhere to cut down the nets in April, just like Desmond came out of a hatch to bring potential rescue from his rich girlfriend.

Xavier vs. Georgetown, artist's rendition.

9. Xavier - Jin - While not on the same page as everyone else, this team has made itself a major player despite being a part of the Atlantic 10. Though not destined for a starring role, a Sweet Sixteen trip will legitimize it's place on the island, and the A-10's place in college hoops.

10./11. Wisconsin/Michigan State - Sun - Pretty choices out of the Big Ten. However, conference play there is similar to Jin's actions on the island; nothing really happens. Though each team may inadvertently make some noise (i.e. accidentally murder one of the others, beat Texas), their relatively weak conference play will hinder them come tourney-time.

12. Butler - Charlie - Annoying and very, very white, Butler won't seem to go away. After last year's crashing of the top 25, they've gotten even stronger this year. Same with Charlie, who seemed to have no future on the island in the first season and did little but slow down the storyline until eventually meeting his destiny by turning off The Others' signal jamming equipment.

13. Indiana - Danielle Rousseau - An old favorite, fading in and out of episodes/college seasons only to appear again as a dangerous tertiary character, waiting to trap other big name teams. Indiana's got talent, and if they can find some consistency will make a big impact come tournament time.

14. Texas - Alex Rousseau - A team too young to make make of an impact this year. Texas has just one senior and two upperclassmen in their rotation. Alex, on the other hand, is only 16 and has just arrived in the survivors' camp. They're both primed to play major roles given a little more time and seasoning.

15. Marquette - Tom (Mr. Friendly) - Seemingly powerful, but shrouded with confusion. Who knows what they'll produce late in the season. They do their job adequately but rarely produce outside of what's expected of them (wins against a weak non-conference schedule, losses against high RPI teams like Duke, Wisconsin, Louisville, West Virginia).

16. Washington State - Mr. Eko - Like Eko, came out of nowhere last year to kick some ass, only to crumble in the NCAA tournament. This year they're starting strong again, knocking around teams like Arizona State with their womping/scripture stick. However, by the end of the year will they find religion again and play like lambs in the tournament?

17/18. Drake/Saint Mary's- Nikki/Paulo - Does anyone know who any of these teams are? Odds are they'll be buried alive by the 2nd round of the NCAAs.

19. Florida - Richard Alpert - Quietly lurking in the background, this ageless Other has been ignored on countless occasions by Ben, despite his clear connection to the island. Florida, on the other hand, had been largely ignored by the polls but could be the ones that swing the balance of power in the SEC.

20. Pitt - Hurley - Always a nice story, but in the end if they do anything positive we'll all be shocked. As a bonus, Hurley and Aaron Gray weigh the same. However, just like Hurley seems to be a big player in the future, Pitt could become a legit threat once their injured stars (Levance Fields and Mike Cook) come back healthy.

21. Vanderbilt - Michael - At the end of season 2, Michael left the island. At the end of non-conference play, Shan Foster and A.J. Ogilvy disappeared. Though all will probably return, it will be tough to take either of them seriously given the exposure to their weaknesses (in Vandy's case, turnovers and streaky shooting).

Aluminum Gold: Volume Two - Malt Liquors

2008-02-05T15:05:00.001-05:00

Laser - In the world of malt liquors, you should generally stay away from anything that doesn’t reference some kind of fierce animal. However, the can’s design alone sets this above every other malt. One sip was like taking a bullet train back to the 80s, fueled by pure testosterone. After two 40s I remembered all the lyrics to "Two Tickets to Paradise" and "Take Me Home Tonight." It was nice.

Rating: Eddie Money.

King Cobra - Possibly the fiercest of all malt liquor logos, I was shocked to find that there is actually very little cobra in the drink itself. Instead it sports an overwhelmingly metallic taste for a 40, similar to say, licking the inside of a VCR. When robots finally control earth, this will be their beverage of choice.

Rating: Aluminum-y.

Olde English High Gravity 800 - Drinking this beer is like finding a sexually aggressive girlfriend. Even if you can handle it, it's best enjoyed out of the public eye so that you aren't labeled a freak. If you can't, you’ll find yourself curled into a ball in the corner of your shower, weeping uncontrollably. Either way, you’ll wake up the next morning questioning your manhood.

Rating: Say my name, bitch!

Colt 45 - The Mike Tyson of beers. Sure, you can laugh at it, but if you don't take it seriously you’re going to get knocked around pretty badly. It goes down smooth, but once it hits your stomach it starts rearranging shit and sucker punching your kidneys. You know who wins when you drink this? No one. What the hell was Billy Dee Williams talking about anyway?

Rating: Abominable.

St. Ide’s High Gravity - Though the name reflects poorly on it, the stylized drawing of a pit bull chewing on a can more than legitimatized this malt liquor for me. It’s got a surprisingly creamy flavor that forces its way down your throat. The can also puts its 8.2% alcohol content right on the label, so you can better understand why you just punched your girlfriend/boyfriend after four pounders.

Rating: Instigating.

Pirates Ink Freddy Sanchez to Extension, Guarantee a Slump Year

2008-02-05T14:42:00.000-05:00

Three more years of Pittsburgh women, handsome.

Finally, some news from a team that never disappoints me (namely by never having expectations greater than finishing 5th in their division). The Pirates signed club-footed infielder Freddy Sanchez to a 2 year extension with $11 million guaranteed; if Sanchez hits a proper number of plate appearances in 2009 (doubtful), he'll be locked in to an additional year at $8 million.

At $5.5 million annually, Sanchez will be the Pirates' 3rd highest paid player, behind Matt Morris and Jack Wilson. Take some time and read that sentence again. Morris and Wilson account for nearly 40% of the team's $38 million payroll. Of course, this seems logical when you realize that this is the same team that was offered Phillies slugger Ryan Howard for Kris Benson, straight up, and said "Nah, we're good. We're gonna go with Ty Wigginton instead."

Sanchez, the first Pirate infielder since Bill Madlock (1983) to have consecutive seasons batting over .300 (the hits just keep coming), will make $1.2 million more than Zach Duke, Ian Snell, Paul Maholm, Tom Gorzelanny, Ronny Paulino, Joe Bautista, Matt Capps, and Nate McLouth combined. That's 4/5ths of the starting rotation, their closer, and starting catcher, 3rd baseman, and center fielder.

However, the real question here is now which washed-up free agent will they be able to sign with what little money they have remaining. Ryan Klesko? Jeff Cirillo? Russell Branyan? The suspense is killing all 5 of us remaining Pirates fans.

In other news, Super Bowl XXII never happened. NEVER HAPPENED. For the past two days I've locked myself in my house and played nothing but NCAA Football 2006 for Playstation 2. The result? Vanderbilt 152, Tennessee 7.

Fuck you Philip Fulmer.

Eli Manning to Tiki Barber: HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!

2008-02-05T09:48:00.000-05:00

Great game. For this past Super Bowl we got a great defensive matchup for most of the game then the two offenses picked apart each other's defense methodically in a thrilling last quarter. Tom Brady engineered his game winning drive with a story-book ending touchdown pass to Randy Moss in the corner with less than 3 minutes to play. Unfortunately their defense couldn't hold and Manning put together one of the best one-upper's in SB history. It was great to watch. That not withstanding, the pass from Manning to David Tyree was a prayer. If that gets picked and the Giants lose Manning gets railroaded for breaking under the pressure and regressing to old Eli's ill-advised throws into coverage when it counted. So it goes. Manning's elusiveness on that play was amazing but he threw a jump ball. It went his way. Good for him. The Pats can now enjoy being the second team to finish a season 18-1, but the first among them to NOT win the Super Bowl. Does this mean SportsCenter is going to be looping clips of Mercury Morris rapping about how his now 35 years gone Dolphins are still the best? Why do people insist on paying attention to an annoying, senile, old man?

THE HERBSTREIT: IF YOU LIVED HERE YOU'D BE HOME NOW

2008-02-04T20:31:00.000-05:00

River views. New kitchens. Party perfect. Ze Herbstreit. An oasis from the vile obscenity of the human condition.

View Larger Map

For only $3-4 million you can own a deeper connection to your Buckeye roots. It's Dreamboat Kirk's house! That's Kirk E. Herbstreit, aged 38 years, of Onandaga Drive in the Upper Arlington outer borough of Columbus, Ohio. For $1.95 more I could have purchased a detailed report. Isn't the Internet awesome?

Your Super Bowl Alternatives: #4. Breaking the Magician's Code (Fox Reality)

2008-02-03T14:25:00.000-05:00

A 5 hour marathon of Breaking the Magician's Code leading up to the Super Bowl, despite the fact that only 4 of these specials were made.

I have to think the Alliance is going to frown on this.

GEORGIA HOUSE PASSES BILL AIDING PRODUCTION OF SOUR GRAPES

2008-02-02T18:10:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, Georgia's House of Representatives voted 151-9 to pass a resolution that urges the NCAA to take more of an active role in the postseason competition of Division I-A football, in the form of a national playoff. This, of course has nothing to do with the fact that the Bulldogs finished 11-2 and won the Sugar Bowl against a Hawaii squad erroneously ranked in the top 25, but were not even considered for the national title.

So I'd like to say suck my balls, Georgia, which isn't easy because I don't wear the jorts that give your people such easy access to the crotch region. In no way did the 2007 version of your squad deserve any mythical title recognizing your excellence. In fact, you've a long history of posturing for titles and then being exposed on the national level. Allow me to remind you. Not even all 6 Herschel Walkers could have won that game for you.

Try not losing to a team quarterbacked by Erik Ainge next year.

Songs We Listen to Before Going Out: They Live

2008-02-02T01:06:00.000-05:00

We'd like to introduce a new weekly/semi-weekly feature to #2; Songs we listen to before going out. It will chronicle the songs we listen to before drinking, playing sports, or any combination of the two. All suggestions and comments are welcomed.

While not technically a song, I came back from drinking since 5 with every intention of passing out. Then I noticed this 1988 Roddy Piper classic on tv. I was 25 minutes in, the perfect amount. It led me right to this.

And just like that I'm ready to go out again. But that's not all. I present to you Keith David's greatest film moment before he made Jennifer Connelly mankind's hooker next door.

That's right. 6 minutes of the protagonists fighting each other. For no reason. Toss in the idea that the aliens are using humans to create their own climate for a hostile takeover, thereby making Al Gore their primary enemy, and you've got a film that was made way before its time. And starring Rowdy Roddy Piper. Give me a damn beer. I'm ready to drink again.

Grizzlies to Fans: Fuck You.

2008-02-01T15:42:00.000-05:00

He's all yours, Los Angeles.

In a completely baffling trade today the Grizzlies, who had only one marketable player on their whole roster (I don't count Darko), traded their one star to the Lakers for the worst #1 overall pick ever (Kwame Brown), a late round, third string point guard (Javaris Crittendon) and two future first round picks that will likely be in the 20s.

As a result, the Lakers add a franchise player to a team with a bonafide superstar (Kobe), a versatile all-star caliber forward (URI product Lamar Odom), a bursting-with-potential young center (Andrew Bynum), and several valuable role players (Fisher, Farmar, Turiaf, Walton, Ariza, even Radmanovic). Meanwhile, the Grizzlies starting lineup will look something like this:

PG - Mike Conley
SG - Mike Miller
SF - Rudy Gay
PF - Kwame Brown
C - Darko Milicic

My God, unless Rudy Gay can start putting up 50 points per game, this squad is in trouble. I don't know if they could beat the University of Memphis right now. To his credit, former Celtics GM Chris Wallace has done a superb job of uniting two of the biggest busts the NBA has seen since 2000. Their combined influence on a team of youngsters can only have a positive effect, right? It'll only be a matter of time before Mike Conley starts whipping no-look passes into the stands and questioning himself.

Clearly, this trade is part of a larger NBA conspiracy to reignite the Celtics-Lakers rivalry from the 80s. At only the expense of two small market teams (Memphis and Minnesota), both teams now look like legit title contenders. Both teams that were fleeced were run by former Celtics employees (Wallace and McHale). This is the only scenario where this trade AND the KG trade make sense, right?

Oh well, I guess it works out for some people.

Everything's coming up Milicic!

Redskins to interview Mariucci; Synder determined to interview whole US population for this job

2008-01-31T11:51:00.000-05:00

The Redskins are going to interview Steve Mariucci next week. People are saying that like the 75 other candidates our precocious owner, Danny Boy, has interviewed over the last few weeks since St. Joe Gibbs announced his re-retirement Mariucci represents a possible "good fit". No shit, if it wasn't obvious that he could possibly be a good fit merely granting him an interview would be stupid, wouldn't it?

Psst...This is the same owner who hired Steve Spurrier, fired Marty Schottenheimer and paid Brandon Lloyd $85 bazillion to catch three passes.

Well, when you consider that I guess this is both unusual and a positive step to interview a "good fit". I'm glad we're trying to get a good fit in Washington because it would be stupid to say, let a really good defensive coordinator leave even when players have voiced their support for his promotion to head coach--even offensive players. Additionally, after few years it would be stupid to let an offensive coordinator go who runs a rather complicated offense that may take a few years for a team to grasp especially when they have, say, a rookie QB.

Psst...Danny Boy is doing just that.

For real? It couldn't possibly be the case that the success the Redskins had with Tom Collins running Saunders' offense was that he, unlike Campbell who is understandably learning the offense, is a master of it thus can probably execute it more effectively at this point. So that was a bit of a taste of what to come with Campbell's development? Nope! Fuck it, let's scrap the whole playoff-bound-out-of-the-best-overall-division-in-the-NFL mess that was last season and start anew. Glad we're working towards a "good fit", Danny.

Dan Synder may love the Redskins and want to see them do well. But he also seems to insist this is some video game where you can trade pieces at will and expect instant results. This is exactly why someone who made his billions selling vacation packages to college students should not own a professional football team. There was a clause in Gregg Williams' contract wherein he was to receive $1 million if he was NOT named head coach if St. Gibbs retired. What owner allows that if they don't intend to hire the guy? What the fuck?

Washington Post article

Johann Santana promoted from AAAA to the Major Leagues

2008-01-30T17:23:00.001-05:00

Johan Santana, arguably the most dominant pitcher over the last 6 years, was traded yesterday from the Minnesota Twins to the New York Mets for four prospects that may or may not pan out into anything worth a major league uniform. The Twins urge to trade Santana before the season started rather than have him certainly walk away from the organization as a free agent at the end of the season for deserved big money is understandable. I don’t really have a problem with the behavior of any parties involved, they participate within the system, it’s more the general notion this reinforces: the AAAA farm-system that is small market major league teams.

Teams like the Pirates, A’s, Twins and Royals have pretty much sucked for a good portion of the last 15 years because they cannot spend with the Yankees, Red Sox and Cubs of the league. As a result they scout like hell and develop young talent like maestro’s with the hopes they can hang onto to enough of them long enough to make one or two good runs. This results in the flash in the pan Twins of the last few years, A’s of the early 2000s and D-Backs and Rockies of last year. When their work pays off and they produce a star they trade him away for prospects to avoid getting nothing from his development and the cycle repeats. Teams like the Marlins spend like nuts for one or two years in conjunction with good young talent and produce a contender with a legitimate shot at the WS only to explode the team in a fire sale as soon as they are on the down slope. This style of management makes me want to vomit like that girl in that video with that cup. Ick.

You might say, “What about the Rockies and the D-Backs this past season? Two small market teams finding success.” The D-Backs being anything above .500 last season was a statistical “What-the-fuck?” First off, the NL sucked last year. The AL had 6 teams with better records than the Cubs so it didn't matter whether you were small market, no one wanted to win. Every good predictor of team W-L records had D-Backs as not being that good. Yeah, they beat the Cubs in the NLDS, but God hates the Cubs and will do anything to see them suffer, even have them lose three in a row to a team that can’t score. Same thing with the Rockies, they played strangely out of their gourds against a weak NL West schedule down the stretch and moved their way through an NL playoffs wherein they and the afore mentioned D-Backs were the league leaders with 90 wins. My point is they were not that good even though they found success. They and other small market teams will never find consistent good fortune as long as the Yankees and Red Sox of the league have their spending arms race.

Possible Solutions:
1) Contract both Florida franchises. Letting them play is basically just driving up the win percentage for everyone else in the league. Their attendance records are putrid. I’ve had deuces that look better than Tropicana Field and Joe Robbie. The state gets half of MLB there every year for spring training; let’s leave it at that.
2) Employ some form of revenue sharing. NY is so big it can actually accommodate 40,000 people attending 162 games over a summer (81 home games for both the Mets and Yankees). Places like Pittsburgh, Kansas City and Cleveland have less than 1/20th the population to work with and their residents are relatively less wealthy. It’s no wonder they aren’t able to generate enough revenue to keep good talent. Let the Yankees spend what they want but distribute some of their revenue to help small market teams retain talent and hopefully not suck so consistently for the greater benefit of the league.

I also would have accepted “kick Peter Angelos in the balls”. Watching Angelos let good talent that wanted to stay in Baltimore walk while signing underachievers and shitbags for too much money is certainly deserving of a pecker punch.

Your Super Bowl Alternatives: #3. Too Young to Be a Dad (Lifetime)

2008-01-30T17:17:00.000-05:00

Presented by Lifetime and starring that quiet kid from Little Miss Sunshine (or the guy that gets beat to death in There Will Be Blood, if you prefer). The movie description doesn't say anything about spousal/domestic abuse, but since this is Lifetime we'll just assume that there's lots of it.

Sadly, no evidence of this 2002 gem exists on YouTube. Instead, I've embedded a clip of some awful movie starring the world's least sexy woman, Molly Shannon.

God, I hope she gets beaten.

Target Audience: Single moms, neglected moms, beaten moms, eunuchs

Your Super Bowl Alternatives - #2. Major League Eating (Spike TV)

2008-01-30T16:22:00.000-05:00

It used to be the the MLE stood for the mid-level exception, the contracts generally awarded to crappy, mid-tier NBA veterans on salary rich teams. No longer. Finally, the sports world has found an event worthy of the prestigious 2-consonant, 1-vowel MLE combination. Behold, Major League Eating.

Since Spike's Thanksgiving based Turkey Bowl eating contest, the network has somehow (brilliantly?) linked gluttony and football. Riding on the coattails of the big game, the MLE will broadcast only during halftime of the Super Bowl, forcing you to choose between which is less disgusting:

Joey Chestnut
or
Tom Petty

It's a tough decision by any stretch. While Petty's music is a slice of Americana, Chestnut is responsible for bringing the mustard belt back to the U.S. I dare you to watch the following video without feeling a pulsing surge of patriotism. In all likelihood, this is why the terrorists hate us.

During the Super Bowl, they'll be eating (green?) eggs and ham, which should result in some awesome reversals. Without the Lingerie Bowl, it is looking like the front-runner to capture the lonely guy halftime market, along with the impressionable-youth-fat-kid market.

One can hope for a merger down the road with the Puppy Bowl producers, as we watch Takeru Kobayashi and Eric "Badlands" Booker chase down and then sloppily devour small animals. Gumbercules, if you could make a photoshop for this that would be exceptional.

Target Audience: Fatties, lonely men, Dr. Seuss.

Your Super Bowl Alternatives: #1. Puppy Bowl (Animal Planet)

2008-01-29T13:53:00.001-05:00

Now in HD. Puppy Bowl II garnered as many viewers as the State of the Union Address. Puppy Bowl III somehow got over 5 million people to tune in during its 12 straight hours of broadcast. Meanwhile, the Lingerie Bowl will not be held again this year for multiple reasons. The lesson? People don't care about boobs; unless they're free.

Watch any kid that happens to come across this on cable. Their eyes grow wider and more vacant than a Japanese child playing the latest seizure-inducing video game. If Animal Planet didn't have commercials, you could conceivably leave your kid in front of this for its full 12 hours of viewing and watch the Super Bowl wherever the hell you wanted. Hell, even I'm transfixed;

And, for you sadists/women that don't like dogs; cats at halftime.

And just think - they got 5 million viewers before moving to high-definition. It should only take a few minutes of Bingo, Jackson, and Scuba to melt your girlfriend's parties completely off.

Target Audience; Children, lonely widows, desperate guys, gigglepusses (gigglepi?)

WHADDYA GOT THERE, NUMBERS?: SMART PEOPLE DO NOT DEFEND THE BIG TEN

2008-01-28T22:20:00.000-05:00

For the second January in a row, we've seen "the" Ohio State University lay an egg against premier competition, and the Big Ten take an absolute beating in bowl season. The popular media has, among other things, shoved the SEC's superior athleticism and week-in and week-out competitiveness down our throats as the rationale for what we've seen.

Unfortunately as a Penn State fan, I have to agree here. Look at the Big Ten's Sagarin rankings by conference for the last 10 years. Outside of an anomalous 2005 where Ohio State and Penn State had phenomenal years and each won BCS games, the Big Ten has been in a relative freefall since 1999 (use the central mean numbers in parentheses to draw cross-year strength comparisons):

1998: 2nd (79.83)
1999: 1st (82.79)
2000: 3rd (76.76)
2001: 5th (76.59)
2002: 5th (77.50)
2003: 3rd (77.59)
2004: 5th (75.63)
2005: 1st (80.72)
2006: 5th (74.89)
2007: 6th (74.63)

I'm avoiding doing the linear regression for now, but let me assure that it's a clear negative slope. The difference between 1999 and 2007's strength index is about 8 points, a decline of about a point per year. During that same period (smoothing over a two year period at each extreme), the delta for each conference on a half point scale:

ACC: even
Big East: +4.5 pts
Big Ten: -6.5 pts
Big 12: -2 pts
Pac-10: +3 pts
SEC: +3 pts

Fairly clearly, the past ten years have been disastrous for the B10 (and not great for the B12 -- think Nebraska). The 1999 peak represents by nearly a full point the best showing across all conferences (next closest? this year's SEC). How the mighty have fallen. There is no question that the B10 is not even close to past levels of competition at the moment. This has been great for the pack leader, OSU -- only two conference losses in the last three years has led to three consecutive BCS bowl births and two national title appearances. However, there is no question that winning out the way they did in 2001 in a conference a full two points stronger prepared them far better for the national championship, or at least suggested they were a better team.

To put this year's 74.63 rating into context, the best non-BCS conference ranking of the last ten years (excluding independents) is the MWC of 2004 which finished with a 72.08, which marginally beat out the Big East's 71.98 (thank you, Alex Smith!) This is the only instance of this happening. Holistically though, the BCS/non-BCS gap has dwindled from 8-10 points to 0-2 points over that period. Is increasing parity good for college football? We're finding out as we speak. I struggle to envision how the BCS would defend itself if the MWC began consistently fielding stronger conference competition than the B10. If current trends continue this might only be five years away, but with average Sagarin rating across all BCS conferences holding steady its more likely that the B10 is the (mostly) lone sufferer. I leave calculating the reasons for this general trend as an exercise for the reader.

To summarize rather bluntly, the Big Ten blows right now, and watching Penn State the past two falls I've felt a particularly excruciating irritation with the quality of play. The 2004 Iowa-Penn State game was probably the ugliest piece of NCAA football ever produced. The past two years have been a return to mediocrity. The end result of all of this? OSU has an excellent chance at another run to the crown next year, but if that doesn't happen there likely will only be one B10 entrant in the BCS.

Stephen Jackson + Chris Webber + Easily Influenced Young Players; What Could Go Wrong?

2008-01-28T20:25:00.000-05:00

Chris Webber has announced that he will join the Golden State Warriors for a second time to finish out this season. Twelve years ago, Webber played for this same team, with the same coach, and complained his way into a trade to Washington for Rod Strickland. As a result, the Warriors missed the playoffs for 12 straight years until a triumphant return last year.

Upon seeing the team's resurgence, Webber is taking it upon himself to finish the job he started 13 years ago; the complete dismantling of the Golden State Warriors.

Webber's running mates include:

Stephen Jackson; potential felon, lover of strip clubs
Troy Hudson; founder, Nutty Boyz Entertainment
Baron Davis; oft-injured former subject of recruiting violations under Jim Harrick
Andris Biedrins, Monta Ellis, Brandan Wright, Marco Belinelli; talented, easily influenced youngsters
Patrick O'Bryant; tubby piece of shit, more athletic than Aaron Gray.

I don't see how anything could possibly go wrong. The over/under on days before Andris Biedrins is found weeping over a dead stripper/hooker is now 35.

People We Hate: Skip Bayless

2008-01-28T20:05:00.000-05:00

How do you become more annoying than Stephen A. Smith? Years of experience, never agreeing with conventional wisdom, and deciding that kicking should be outlawed in the NFL.

Skip also loses points for making Woody Paige seem like a reasonable man during Cold Pizza, the show that makes me happy that I work 3 hours a day in the morning. He also called Troy Aikman both a homosexual and racist while failing to insult Aikman's announcing partner and probable hetero-lifemate Joe Buck. Other people Skip feels are not elite athletes;

Kevin Garnett
LeBron James
Peyton Manning
Frank Thomas
Tiger Woods
Randy Moss
Any member of the Dallas Cowboys

Evidently, Skip's entire job at ESPN is to make the rest of the staff seem brilliant by comparison. Clearly there was a reason why espn.com waited until after Skip's writing tenure was over to add a comments feature. To add insult to injury, he also played an ESPN announcer in Rocky Balboa, the movie that showcased Antonio Tarver's acting skills.

Fuck you, Skip.

Giants by 23?

2008-01-28T17:02:00.000-05:00

Tiki Barber, take note.

NHL All-Star Game is a Thriller, Earns as Much Press as Dana Jacobsen's Return to Cold Pizza

2008-01-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

Congratulations! You play a sport no one cares about.

The NHL held it's all-star game last night, and with its only recognizable star, Sidney Crosby, missing due to injury, evidently no one cared. Judging by their headlines, ESPN.com has equated the game to Chris Webber's NBA return (to single handedly destroy the Warriors' chemistry) and Dana Jacobson's return to Cold Pizza after showing her disdain for Jesus at Mike and Mike's Celebrity Roast (the woman works with Skip Bayless and Woody Paige everyday; technically she's a saint anyway, I doubt God minded that much).

Of course, it didn't help that the All-Star game was shown on Versus, unpopular sports' response to the NFL Network. Despite constant ads that reminded me which channel Vs. is on (72 or 34), I still got lost and ended up watching Tremors three times in a row. Hopefully I'll find it soon, since I don't want to miss out on my Mountain West college sports, competitive cycling, Cal Ripken World Series (really, they televise this), American's Cup, and old episodes of Survivor.

Take a look at that list, NHL. This is what you've become. You're just a few years away from becoming a big budget rival of the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

Oh yeah, the East won, 8-7. Eric Staal won MVP honors, presumably earning him a bag of turnips or whatever NHL players like. Denim jackets? A case of Busch camo-cans? Ah, a truck. Well I guess that makes sense.

Hedo Turkoglu Doesn't Give a Fuck, Wins Anyway

2008-01-27T22:41:00.000-05:00

Magic at home. Tied with the Celtics, 93-93. 14 seconds to play. Coach Stan Van Gundy calls a timeout.

Van Gundy: "Ok fellas. Here's the play. Inbound to Arroyo. Arroyo to Turkoglu. Hedo runs around aimlessly as time runs down, then fires a fade away 3-pointer with his eyes closed from 30 feet out as time expires."

Dwight Howard: "Seriously?"

Turkoglu: "bazhhshshshttt, cinar sahin."

Van Gundy: "Go get 'em fellas."

(Turkoglu dribbles aimlessly, throws ball over shoulder, Magic win)

Dwight Howard: (nuzzles up to Van Gundy) You, sir, are a genius.

Turkoglu's shot was an amazing display of selfishness not seen since I played college intramurals with a bunch of guys that hated each other. We basically chucked up shots just to spite one another. I like to think that after this game, Dwight Howard took a dump in Hedo's locker just to remind him who the alpha dog was.

IT SURE SUCKS TO BE A COWBOYS FAN

2008-01-27T18:42:00.000-05:00

Here's a Hitler-related post for today. I'd be pretty pissed about the jersey purchase too.

Georgetown Cheats, Beats Hillbillies.

2008-01-27T01:21:00.000-05:00

Pictured: Cheating.

Georgetown, aided by a last second goaltend, defeated West Virginia 58-57 to limit their embarrassing Big East losses to just Pittsburgh. West Virginia coach Bob Huggins, devastated by the loss, vowed to continue his tough love regime of drinking and driving that was so successful at Cincinnati.

Georgetown was able to avoid the upset bug that struck ranked teams Indiana, Wisconsin, Pitt, Dayton, Ole Miss, Villanova, and Baylor. When reached for comment, Baylor head coach Scott Drew said "Holy shit, we were ranked? Like, Division I ranked?"

Layups? I'm Alex Fucking Gordon!

2008-01-27T00:45:00.000-05:00

You know what? Today I'm only going to dribble behind my back. We're playing Tennessee? Bullshit. I'm Alex Fucking Gordon. I fucking own this team. These pussies can't guard me.

A double team? Time to post up. I see Foster on the wing, but fuck him. I'm the biggest 5-10 motherfucker you've ever seen. They give me an inch and I'll throw down on their asses. I'm Alex Fucking Gordon.

What? It got blocked again? Fuck. That was a foul. NCAA refs don't respect VU for shit. If the UNC mascot could walk half as well as Jeff Green did in the tournament he'd still be alive today.

Give me the ball. GIVE ME THE BALL FOSTER. I don't give a fuck how many 3s you make per game. I fucking own UT. I made Dane Bradshaw my bitch last year. I'll put up any shot from half court in. I'm Alex FUCKING Gordon.

(banks in 3 pointer from beyond half court)

Look at that. Money. Now we're only down 17. This is Alex Gordon time baby. I'm the A-Rod of college basketball. We even shoot the same average; .313. Look at Beal calling for the ball, wide open underneath. Yeah, right, douchebag. Time to drive, Red Gordon style.

What? Smith blocked it again? Fuck. That was a goddamn foul. You can't touch me. I'm Alex Fucking Gordon.

(UT, playing 5 on 4 offense, pushes the lead back to 20 with 4 minutes to play).

Looks like it's my time to shine. Chris Lofton ain't got SHIT on me.

(Pictured: Alex Gordon. Not Pictured: Zwinky ad that seemingly accompanies every Alex Gordon picture on google.)

Aluminum Gold: Volume One - Frat Beers

2008-01-27T00:25:00.001-05:00

As part of an ongoing series, I'll be providing expert reviews of whatever swill I can find for under $15 per case. Consider this a crash course on wasting your student loan checks.

Pabst Blue Ribbon -

Pabst is the old reliable girlfriend that's always been there when you needed a quick fix, but was never hot enough for you to brag about to your friends. She might not look like much, but she understands what it takes to please you. What else can you say about it? It’s the official beer of 2 am desperation.

Rating: Available.

Natural Ice -

If Pabst is that old reliable girlfriend, Natty Ice is her fat ugly friend that probably has V.D.. You're never really happy to be with it and you immediately regret the decision when you’re finished. Even though all of your friends have stooped to that level, they'll never fail to make fun of you for it.

Rating: Slutty, ugly, filled with hate.

Red Dog -

This is your stepdad’s beer. Not the one who tried to be your friend, but the one with the mustache and mullet who drove a Ford Fiero. The one that used to throw his cigarette butts in half full cans. Somehow, without the tobacco, Red Dog just isn't the same. It's depressing, really.

Rating: Lonely.

Keystone Light -

Keystone advertises itself as 'never bitter.' I guess it’s pretty easy not to be bitter when you don't taste like anything.

Rating: Sterile.

SUMMER SANDERS: SHE'S A BREEDER

2008-01-26T22:29:00.002-05:00

A regular feature on #2 Best Seller is going to be a piece called "She's A Breeder", in which we take a look at the specific females on this planet best suited for reproduction. They will be judged harshly and without compunction across categories such as beauty, physical attributes, intelligence and personality, as well as pregnancy history, genetic defects and known diseases. Any such judgment will inherently be subjective, but an effort is made to provide some basis across which to contrast different women.

Here, I present to you the quintessential breeder: Summer Sanders. Summer is a gorgeous 5'9", 35-year old television host and ex-world champion swimmer. You may remember her from such Olympics as: Barcelona, where she medaled in multiple individual and team events and won our nation's slutty, whimsical heart. She has also performed as an actress in several movies, most notably Jerry Maguire, and as a host for several ESPN series including The Sports List. She currently hosts the in-limbo television series Skating with Celebrities, Fox's inane replacement for the greatest television series of all-time, Arrested Development. I do not blame her for this tragedy. She's also wonderful with children -- here is a video of her getting slimed on Nickelodeon's Figure It Out:

Summer is married and either currently pregnant or just gave birth to her second child, which means she is not eligible to be the world's top potential breeder according to our heuristics. She will, however, serve as the measuring stick to which all potential future breeders will be held; great personality, hot as hell, world-class athlete, all-American girl and wonderful attitude towards life.

Go forth Summer, and increase the genetic integrity of our herd through your continued reproduction.

I HATE SO MUCH ABOUT THE THINGS THAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE

2008-01-26T21:21:00.000-05:00

I'd like to kick shit off here by laying down some ground rules as to site content. My cohort (read: butt buddy) is currently in the middle of a flip cup tournament that is but a singular event in a much larger megathlon of self-destruction, so addenda are likely to follow.

#1) I consider this web page an semi-anonymous outlet for personal opinion and general animosity. Expect to be offended upon reading, regardless of your personal background, ethnicity, nationality, creed, socioeconomic status, species, fame, fashion sense, or supposed divinity. That includes you, God. I hate nobody in particular, that is to say, I like to distribute hate evenly like some cross between Magic Johnson and Adolf Hitler. Feel free to be upset with me when I push your so very delicate buttons, but you don't have to read this site and I require zero readers to vent my thoughts. I'm certain Earvin "Magic" Hitler wouldn't care either.
#2) Other writers on this site may post less objectionable content, including tits, ass, well-thought out opinions, numbers and cogent statistical analysis of sporting events. Do not listen to such nonsense. Their sweet, sweet words will turn into bitter orange wax in your ears.
#3) Don't question my grammar, vocabulary, or writing style. Words are but the base tools that allow me to project filth and debauchery. Photoshop also accomplishes this on occasion. Intelligence is optional here, but alcohol is required.
#4) Feel free to use the email link to the side as a feedback mechanism, or link dump. Just keep in mind we're not here to make friends, or even acknowledge that you exist.
#5) #2 best seller is a backhanded reference to both Primanti Brothers and to beer.